Lika Saliscente
Saturday, December 31, 2011 at 10:30AM BIO
As a young child, I was physically and verbally abused by my father. I really didn't understand what I did so wrong; I just knew that most of what I did wasn't right, for some reason. I guess I wasn't smart enough to figure it out. My parents divorced when I was 8, and I thought that would be the end. It wasn't.
My mother continued with the physical abuse, and if my younger sister cried, it didn't matter what was going on, it was always my fault. At one point, I think I was barely 9, my mother yanked on my arm so hard, I thought it broke, and even begging to go to the doctor, she refused. To this day, if I have an X-Ray done, it shows damage to the soft tissue in my right shoulder that would be consistent with an injury that happened during childhood.
In high school, a boy I had a slight crush on showed me a whole collection of pocket and fishing knives he brought to school. He followed me home, and forced sex on me. My mother actually made a bigger deal about the fact that I was no longer "sweet 16 & never been kissed" than the actual rape that happened. The thought occurred that I can't trust my mother with this.
As I entered puberty, my own mother started insisting that I not lock the bathroom door while getting dressed, and she started making remarks about the stretch marks on my growing breasts, and it continued on and off with other situations coming up. I could probably write a short book just on the various incidences of sex abuse I endured literally at the hands of my own mother.
She married an illiterate alcoholic when I was 12, and she left me alone. After they split, and even marrying a pastor after that, she started back up and would laugh at the fact that no one would believe that a nurse who is married to a pastor would ever sexually assault their own child, particularly a same sex child. She's my mother. So I care about her. Yet she is a long time perpetrator of abuse on so many levels, I hate her at the same time. Being a manipulator and mentally ill herself, she's a pro at being a "pretend normal" and a control freak.
At age 28, I married my first husband. Little did I know, I married the male version of my mom. He too was a manipulator who practices the "pretend normal" and a control freak. But rather than being a sex abuser by forcing anything, he purposefully withheld it for punishment.
I founded Youth Voice Initiative, a 501c4, to push forth legislation that would help protect our children from further abuse, hoping to tighten up the laws and punishments on those who perpetrate our children in all forms of abuse. The first piece is April's Law, to stiffen up punishments on those who sexually prey on our children on and offline. The Wisconsin version is being looked into by the Assembly Committee for Criminal Justice and Corrections.
Contact
Email: lika.yvi@gmail.com
Website: www.youthvoiceinitiative.org
Q&A
1. What is your favorite coping skill?
Music. By far. I've always loved music since I was a small child. I played clarinet and saxophone, and as a young adult, sang karaoke to songs that would speak from the heart. I did a lot of blues and jazz fusion type songs. Here I'd sing my heart out, and the general audience would love it. No one except me and the music knew that I was doing therapy.
I also became a student lobbyist, fighting for victim rights. Then I became a crisis worker for the local DV shelter. Both were very therapeutic that I could stand up for those who went through similar situations as myself, and learned that I am NOT dumb or cowardly. I am smart and courageous. Now I use my voice for those who don't have one.
2. What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?
That I am worth being a whole person. It took years before it sank in, but, when it did, it helped me take off as a person.
3. What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?
About the abuse my father doled out (This was from a counselor who was supposed to be helping me): "Lets deal with your paranoia about abuse".
About the rape from the PD counselor (who was a woman, no less): "Well, you're an attractive girl. I can see why he wanted to have sex with you."
About the sex abuse endured from my mother (from 3 different people, my mother's pastor husband, herself, and a divorced aunt): "Are you sure you weren't just dreaming?" "Your (ex) husband is planting ideas into your head to try to drive a wedge between us." "You're a compulsive liar! You're delusional and need psychological help!"
4. What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?
- Finding my voice, and trusting that I'm valuable enough to make myself known.
- Letting go of my own past abuses so I can move forward to help others.
- Allowing myself to have an enjoyable sex life w/o feeling physically/mentally dirty, and no, I don't have to be a "whore".
5. Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?
Hmm. Yes, I've hit rock bottom, several times, actually. As a teen, I debated suicide, but decided I couldn't do it. Into my adulthood, I was at the point I felt desolate, and didn't know where to go, who to turn to, or anything. I wanted to just cry til it all stopped. But I knew that giving up meant my perpetrators won. I wasn't going to let that happen. Being stubborn has its up sides, and this is definitely one of them.
6. What does forgiveness mean to you?
Usually someone needs to ASK for forgiveness, and no, you don't need to forget the past. Forgetting it means it was okay for those who abuse that it was okay for them to do it. It's NEVER okay to abuse anybody. Sometimes forgiveness means letting go of it, like a balloon. You don't forget the balloon, but, you're not hanging onto it like they're your burdens/sins to bear. For example, I used to wonder what made my younger sister so much better? I realize now, I can't change other people. I let him go. He can't hurt me anymore. I was pregnant with my son, when pondering that, and I realized that I needed to let it go to be a better mother for my own. My son is 11, going on 12. I can't imagine life w/o a good relationship between us. I let go of my high school rapist, and a big burden was lifted off my shoulders.
I still have contact with my mom, and so that will take much longer to get through. I still fall into a rut, but, I have to stay away when I know I can't deal with her. Who knows what will happen in the future.
7. When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?
I used to be quite promiscuous in college. When I stopped using sex a s a tool to feel clean, because I was "willingly" sharing myself with men to stop feeling dirty from the sex abuse I got from my mother, is when I knew that everything was going to be fine. That voice, deep down, that kept telling me that I deserve better finally convinced me that I am worth being me, not the "gifts" I gave to others.
8. Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?
Thank you for being so brave! Congratulations to taking the first steps in reclaiming the most important person in your life - YOU! It won't be a short nor quaint journey, and some times you'll make leaps and bounds like you're wearing magic shoes. Other times, you'll feel as if progress isn't happening, or that you're slipping. Just remember, it's all okay. Keep going. It's not going to be easy, but once you've cleared the hurdle, it will be more than worth it! You're not alone, and don't forget to reach out.
9. If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind throughout the survivors healing process, what would that be?
Please do NOT laugh at your partner or down grade your friend for "staying" in a bad relationship, nor make it insignificant. As a survivor, we don't want to be poo-poo'd like babies, but we need validation through the process. Believe the survivor, and validate the story, and if we're feeling sorry for ourselves, give us that positive boost to stand on our own. Often it's the hand ups, not the hand outs that make the biggest difference in the lives of those of us who have been victimized. It's not good to be perpetual victims, and we don't want to just survive, we want to thrive like the rest of the population, which is often difficult to do when dealing with the abuse aftermath.
III. POETRY
I went to an Indian reservation, to learn more about their culture and what not. I was impressed with the fact that they've survived as well, including massive abuses against them as a whole culture. I've written this poem, to not only honor the Native cultures of America, but also in memory of my own abuse story, and the plight that many of us endure through the discourse of life. It doesn't have to be ethnic differences, abuse tends to set a whole separate culture within our own, kind of like a sub-world. It's almost as if there are the abused and non-abused, and many of us survivors are the half mark between the two... the non-abused sees us as "over it" while the victims may see us as "graduated victims". I am also half Japanese and half American, and the term "matis" is a Sioux word for "mixed race".
Cultural Difficulties
I see the misunderstanding of the half breeded race.
Go to one, rejected by the other.
They try to make me conform, then leave without a trace.
The people go, expect much of you, not touching base.
I'm part of "the other", but have to act like "us".
When I am myself, I'm attacked with mace.
They stereotype me into a case,
not realizing my double feature.
They try to make me conform, then leave w/o a trace.
I get put into a vase, but I want to be an Ace.
Let me bring the best of both features out, but...
When I am myself, I'm attacked with mace.
All the "pure breds" I see around, no one for me to brace.
Both groups see the other, I just don't fit in.
They try to make me conform, then leave w/o a trace.
A half breed comes along, cannot see my face.
That person also struggles to be free, like me.
When I am myself, I'm attacked with mace.
Though we matis' try to look for grace,
We cannot keep the pace to end the darned race.
They try to make me conform, then leave without a trace.
I do not want or like that fancy lace.
That's for the prissy pure breds that never understand.
They try to make me conform, then leave without a trace.
When I am myself, I'm attacked with mace.
IV. Letter
To Whom it may concern;
As a survivor of abuse on several levels, I am not a weak person. Most of us who have survived the trauma are already strong for still being here being who we are, yet so many of us haven't realized our own strengths yet. Abusers, users, bullies and others, try to understand that we are NOT door mats, not to be pressured into conforming to what YOU want us to be... YOUR little puppets. We are people, not puppets. While I won't take your personhood away, while I accept that you count, your negative opinion does NOT.
Since being an activist in human rights for the abused, I encourage all survivors to speak up in whatever manner possible. No, it doesn't have to be publicly. It can be in a form of a private conversation to a person currently being abused, or behind the scenes organizing items for fund raising efforts. By contributing to further people in need of shelter, protection, support, and more, you are helping to create a broader base of survivors, who in turn help our voices get stronger. You count. So does your position NOT to be abused
While abusers may find ways to become sneakier and more deviant, survivors are also finding ways to rise up further out of the ashes to become part of the stronger wall that helps protect us. We WILL find salvation, and most often, it's within our own self-realization. When we, as survivors, friends, family, spouses, etc stand together, we become a stronger fabric, because those who commit crimes against others eventually won't have a leg to stand on.
Your friend,
Lika.