Jennifer K.

BIOGRAPHY

 

My name is Jennifer. I was raped at seven. The boy who did it was 16 and he was a friend of my family. It happened during a party where maybe a dozen adults were 30 feet away from us having a lovely afternoon cookout. One of my clearest memories of that day is of creeping back around the house praying that no one saw me.

 

It is possible to rape a child and leave no bruises or marks. No one saw me; no one knew. Just me and I did not have the words to tell anyone. All I knew was that something happened and I was bad.

 

It is weird how fast I knew that I was bad because of the rape. Before I even knew I was raped I knew whatever had happened was all my fault and I could tell no one. So I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut for over ten years.

 

 

 

Q & A

 

1.  What is my favorite coping skill?

As the years have gone on, my coping skills have evolved and improved. When I was younger, my coping skill was denial. I never admitted to myself why what had happened was so bad. I ran from the wound in my spirit, as I was unable to run from my rapist.

 

As I have grown up, my coping skill has become action. I have discovered the transformative power of anger. Now I work with sexual assault survivors for a living. I am a feminist and I work to make the world a better place for all women, everywhere. I am learning to recognize the oppression that keeps women silent in this world and unable to claim their power.

 

Other, less active coping skills include crocheting, taking care of my cats, growing plants and exercise. Anything that creates something new is relaxing to me, in some way.

 

 

2.  What is the best piece of healing advice I have ever received?

Never never never give up - Winston Churchill.

Survivors have a long complicated road. Healing is not a straight path upwards. It goes up, it goes down, it goes backwards, side to side. It can be a nightmare. And healing deserves whatever time is needed. After all, every survivor deserves all the time she/he needs to recover. And every survivor is worth it. When I look at this quote and I think of the war that spawned it, I feel a kinship. I know what it is like when waking up and getting out of bed becomes a struggle. It sucks and I would never say otherwise. But if the Blizkrieged country of England could continually pick itself back during WWII, then so can I.

 

 

3.  What is the worst piece of advice I have ever received?

Everything happens for a reason.

 

It is hard for me to discuss how much I hate that phrase without using inappropriate language as my normal response consists of two words, the first one beginning with “F.” But I will try.

The main reason I hate that phrase is that I find it to be a very sophisticate and elegant way of blaming the victim. “God wouldn’t have let these things happen if He didn’t want you to learn something.” “God never gives you more that you can handle.” That is just such garbage. I don’t know if the people who believe these things to be true follow the same divine power that I do, but I doubt it. The God I follow does not allow seven year old children to be raped. Rather, She granted humans free will. When some humans make bad and vile choices, She is there to comfort the victims. She does not allow adult women to be raped so that they might learn humiliation or shame or every other emotion that rape survivors have to live through. But She is there when rape happens and She cries with us.

 

 

4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

Silence. Oh, silence is so hard to break and to penetrate. No one knew so if anyone was going to start the conversation it would be me and I did not have the language. Even now that I work with rape survivors every day, sometimes my old habits come back and I want to tell people to be silent! As if silence protects us at all. I work on it and when I feel the old instincts creeping back, I breathe through it.

 

Trust in myself. I had no faith in my instincts. It just seemed that they had failed me so spectacularly bad how could I ever believe that I could make the right decision?

 

Trust in others. No one had protected me. Everyone was looking for monsters but no one realized that he was standing right in front of them with a bright friendly smile.

 

 

5.  Have I ever hit rock bottom?

Yes, though I could not tell you how many times. There have been times that I was too sad to get off my bedroom floor. I remember yelling at my therapist that she was ruining my life. I have had dreams so terrifying it took me hours to recover from them. Some days I do not know what got me through at all.

 

 

6.  What does forgiveness mean to me?

I had to forgive me for being so hard on myself. I needed forgiveness for expecting my seven-year-old self to be to smart, too strong, or just too lucky to get raped. Forgiveness means being genuinely sorry for something that you have done. He doesn’t get forgiven in this.

 

 

7.  When did I know that everything was going to be okay, that I was going to make it?

Hmmm, can I tell you when I get there?

 

What does “okay” mean? Does that mean that I am totally healed, because that will never happen. Think of the quote, “No one is free when anyone is oppressed.” How can I be completely healed when women and children and men around the world are subjected to sexual violence every day? The scar keeps trying to form but then everyday something new breaks my heart.

 

This does not mean that I spend all of my days weeping from the pain and cursing the gods. Rather, I spend my time trying to change the way things are and trying to be the resource that I wish I had.

 

I am going to make it, but I will never be okay. And I am just fine with that.

 

 

8.  Is there anything that I would like to say to someone who is just beginning her/his journey?

Healing is a choice and it takes action. It does not just come. Tell someone. Call someone. If you have no one you can trust or if you just cannot find the language to do it, call 1-800-656-HOPE, The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. You do not have to do this alone.

 

 

9.  If there was one piece of advise you would give, or on thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process what would that be?

Believe the survivor. We don’t make up these stories for the attention. If you do not know what to say, just listen. If the stories of abuse are too hard for you to hear, be honest. Help the survivor find resources. For more advice, please read Allies in Healing: When The Person You Love Was Sexually Abused As A Child, by Laura Davis.

 

 

 

ARTWORK/ POETRY, ETC.

 

I do not have any artwork to share. I do not like to look at the pieces I made in therapy much any more. They were from a different time, made almost 10 years ago.

At one point, there was a poem that I wrote-in 1995 I think-that could be found by Googling my full name. However, I just tried it and the site is under construction. I do not remember enough of the poem to reconstruct it. It was good, though. It started, “Once there was a little girl/Who didn’t know what to do./No one had ever hurt her before/so for him she took of her shoe.” The last line was “…it was as if she was never born.”

 

I have written one story in which I combined several of my experiences and a few other peoples into a character. It is a fanfiction story, so consider yourself warned:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2653281/1/

 

 

 

 

LETTER

 

Dear Rapist,

 

Often survivors use a chance like this to talk about gentle images of healing and kindness. But I don’t think of any of those things when I think of you. I think of Goddesses, both destroyers and creators of worlds. They weep with wounded women and broken children and they watch for you. They know your kind.

 

Whatever your life is, and I know that you are out there and you have hurt more than just me, I know that you are in pain. I know that no matter how big a hole you tried to drill through my heart and soul, you are even emptier. Your center is a festering gaping mass of nothingness. The Goddess waits for you. You will cower under her rage when you go to Her after death. Whatever pain you have inflicted on others during your short time on Earth will be thrust back on you tenfold.

 

I will never be able to hurt you the way that you hurt me. But then, I don’t have to.

 

Jennifer

Comments

[Hope Forus]

Dear Jennifer: You are so brave and awesome! Thanks for sharing your story, insights and courage! I am so sorry that happened to you as a little girl! No one deserves to have their innocence taken away like that! Thanks also for referring people to this great book: Allies in Healing: When The Person You Love Was Sexually Abused As A Child, by Laura Davis. It is an awesome book and I need to get it listed on my links page. It helped my husband understand what I've been through and our relationship was greatly blessed by his reading it. One last thing: Please don't take this wrong, but I just wanted to share something in response to what you said about the "worst piece of advice" - "Everything happens for a reason." I've been told that too and for years I was angered by that statement! So, I feel your frustration by it! I totally agree that God does not wish for innocent people, children especially to be abused and suffer! No God I believe in would want that either. I also believe in free will and unfortunately, some evil people have chosen to use their free will to hurt others. They are to blame for their abusive, heinous actions - NOT US and NOT God! I also believe that these people will receive judgement for these actions in the next life, if not in this one. However, I do want to say that for me, I DO believe my abuse happened for a higher purpose that I could never have seen at the time or for many years afterward. Your pain has a purpose too, but it was not to feel shame or learn humility...it was to help others and you are definitely doing that! I applaud you and wish you all the peace and joy and strength and many blessings. Love and light, Hope
Fri, October 20, 2006 at 07:24AM