The Survivor Archives Project

BIOGRAPHY

My name is Melissa Mooney, and I am 21 years old. I began therapy for, what used to be, Multiple Personality Disorder when I was 7 with a very renowned psychologist in the field of child-hood trauma disorders. After a year or so, I began to trust her enough to hint at some things that were going on at home. My parents found out, and took me out of therapy. I returned to my life of pain and secrecy. I was freed from that place at 14, and put into foster-care, which wasn't much better. After 30 placements in 5 years, and absolutely no one who understood me, I decided that it was time for me to heal. I returned to the same psychologist I had worked with when I was 7, and began the hardest work of my life.

Like Pandora's Box had been opened, I was flooded with memories that had been suppressed, and parts who needed to be heard. At first I tried to stifle them, and squash the memories. It was too painful, and I hadn't established the trust necessary to process them with my psychologist. Eventually, I accepted that my parts were part of me, and that we could not live in conflict if we wanted to heal. I found ways to establish communication, and safely vent what they held deep inside. We all learned various coping mechanisms for different situations, and continue to use them.

Upon making the ultimate decision to be a survivor, and not a victim, I completed multiple college applications and essays from a trauma disorders unit quiet room, and was accepted to all but one. I am now in my junior year at the College of Notre Dame of Maryland earning my B.A. in Elementary Education. I have already worked in the classroom, and for the first time can say that I have found my place. I love what I do, and have never been happier. I still have my ups and downs, but I continue to work hard in therapy.

www.myspace.com/motleyprism

Q & A

1.  What is your favorite coping skill?

My favorite coping skill is the use of imagery- I can use it for just about anything, whether it be internal noise, body memories, anxiety, anger, or flashbacks. I can dial down different feelings by picturing a dial or a thermometer set at the number that is equal to the intensity of the feeling. Then I simply take deep breaths in as I visualize the dial moving down, and breathe out the feeling. This also works with noise by just replacing the number dial, with a volume knob. For physical feelings, I just imagine a healing pool with a waterfall that I can step into that washes away the feelings. I can watch as the feelings flow away from me and I’m purified.  

2. What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

Actually, the best piece of advice I ever received was “Keep on truckin’!” I know it sounds simple, but it was said to me on a day that I was feeling particularly bad, by a total stranger who didn’t even know me. What struck me wasn’t so much the words themselves, but that this person who didn’t even know me, and happened to be crippled- seeming to be worse off than me, still felt the urge to encourage me with such words. I realized then that even in crippling situations, it’s best to just “keep on truckin’”, because who knows what kind of future is in store for you, or the people you will meet.

 3. What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

I’ve been told so many times to just “put my past behind me; let it go, as if it never happened”. Those who told me this believed that my struggles were due to being “hung up” on the past, and the only way to end those struggles would be to “forget about it.” I think they just lacked the understanding that healing from abuse is a lot like healing from other traumas. A person learning to walk again after a car accident will struggle- you can’t tell them to just “forget” about walking again when the possibility is there. With time, they will heal.

4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

I: It was extremely difficult to stop seeking out the love of my mother, and those who would never accept me for who I am. It took a long time for me to realize the power they held over me, and how they used it by keeping me at their feet, as I was constantly devoted to gaining their approval. I learned that they were just using me, that I would never gain their approval, and that my efforts would be better spent on loving myself, and seeking the love of those who were capable of returning it.

II: Choosing to have a future was very hard. I was so used to being told that I would never amount to anything, that I became O.K. with the idea. I put no effort into my school work, and was the stereotypically futureless foster-child.  When I became a resident of a trauma disorders unit and saw women that ranged from my age all the way into the 60’s with the same mindset, being hopeless became quite comfortable for me. I knew no other way of thinking or acting. However, as I saw the same women come and go from the unit, and then come back again and again, always with the same problems, never progressing, I realized that I didn’t want to live like that. I decided that I would pursue my education, and begin to engage in the healing process, so that I might create a new life for myself.

III: Trust has been the hardest endeavor of my life. Even when I was young, I knew not to trust anyone to any of my secrets, and to always lie, because you never knew who would stab you in the back. As I got older and people began to try to help me, I couldn’t break myself of this philosophy. As much as I wanted them to help me, I wouldn’t let them. I lied about my past, my feelings…EVERYTHING! I was so afraid that they would find something to use against me. My poor therapist didn’t even know that I had been giving her the run-around for 13 years! Though she is the most trust-worthy person in my life, and would never harm me with anything I would ever tell her, I still had reservations about telling her the truth. I was so ashamed of myself in so many ways, and I thought I had something to prove. It took me along time to realize that this is my time to heal, and these people are trying to help me do that- not hurt me and hinder the process.

5. Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

I’ve hit “rock bottom” quite a few times. All of those times I honestly thought that it was the end of me and my life. What brought me through was the fellowship of others, usually from my church- words of encouragement, wisdom, and above all else rationality. Others have helped me to realize that feelings are only temporary things, bound to pass. So what sense would it make to do something permanent in a temporary situation? I have a poster that says “If today was perfect there would be no need for tomorrow”, and that basically sums it up.

 6. What does forgiveness mean to you?

Forgiveness has many meanings for me. For the most part, it’s a matter of getting to a point where you can wrap your mind around an incident, and come to some kind of understanding of what happened between you and the parties involved. By “understanding”, I mean in a sense of coming to terms with, acknowledging, and being at peace with…I don’t mean justifying, or forgetting that the incident ever occurred. It’s also a point where you can understand and come to terms with your own involvement in the situation rationally, without the shroud of cognitive distortion that misplaces fault.

7. When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

I knew that I was going to make it when I truly discovered and accepted that I am human- that I have likes, dislikes, capabilities and talents, I am worthy of love like everybody else, and that I do make mistakes like everybody else. In knowing that I am human, I know that I am able to do so much! I may not be perfect all the time, but life is for learning, and that’s what keeps it interesting in my opinion.

8. Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

The healing process is like a spiral staircase: you take step after step, around and around, and you feel like you’re going in circles and you’re getting nowhere. Sometimes you take a step, go through a change that’s really hard, and learn something new, only to have to learn it again. I want to tell you, as much as it might feel like you’re going in circles and getting nowhere, you’re getting somewhere. There are no landings, so you may not see that you’re on a whole new level from when you first begun. Keep going, and you’ll be at the top in no time.

9.  If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process, what would that be?

Please have patience! If there’s one thing I ask that you afford, it’s patience: the very thing we’ve probably been least afforded. More than anything, during the healing process, we need people who are close to us to not abandon us. We know that our struggles are hard for you too; it’s difficult for you to endure our mannerisms, and painful to watch us fall, but be patient! For with time, we will learn and become stronger. 

ART & POETRY

Not Again!

Sunday evening

We hear fighting

Daddy’s raging

Mommy’s drinking

We all hide

Huddled close

Daddy yells

Mommy’s screaming

Things are breaking

We pray for peace

We hold each other

Lights flash outside

Mommy’s bleeding

Daddy’s leaving

We cry inside

Mind Torture

These memories

Pain overtaking

A stake driving into my chest

A rabid cat clawing to the surface

I cry.

These memories

Pictures playing

The same reels over and over again

A small room that I can’t escape

I scream.

These memories

Horror taunting

Enshrouded in despair and hopelessness

A single tear is all that’s left

I fade.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I’ve heard it said: one step forward two steps back

But there’s something I think this saying lacks.

Sure, it leaves room for your mistakes,

But there’s no room for progress that you could make.

So I say, “Two step forward, one step back”!

There’s more room to improve on the things you might lack.

You’d be surprised how much climbing you can get done.

If you fall off of two, you can still land on one!

As long as you keep on moving forward;

Don’t let small hindrances get your mind or your heart stirred.

Keep in mind that you’re smart and you’re strong!

You’re not alone in the climb that sometimes goes wrong.

But with each big step you’ll learn something new,

And the endeavor will begin to empower you.

Right foot, left foot, up and up and up!

Soon enough you’ll be at the top.

Then you’ll look back and you’ll be amazed,

At the strength that you found and the progress you made.

And you’ll forever and always be proud of the fact,

That you took two steps forward and one step back!

LETTERS

Dear Mother,

 How can you deny the hurt you brought upon me? All the ways you brutalized me? The harsh words and names that you called me? Can you even recall ever telling me that you loved me? Why did you push me away and get angry when I tried to show affection? You took away all of the things that I loved, and when others asked why you blamed me and said I broke them all...Why did you lie about me? Why do you still lie about all the times you put me on the streets? Why do you say I ran away, when I stood and refused to get out? You physically drug me out, and left me in the cold. Is it because I got raped? Oh yeah! According to you, I couldn’t have gotten raped- I must’ve been whoring myself. Is it because you can't believe you let your own child live in the woods? In the airport, too? Why did you leave me at Grandma’s house every weekend, knowing her fetish? Why did you bring my abuser from your work into the house all the time, knowing what kind of person he was? How can you say you didn’t know? Can you claim ignorance when it comes to the Satanists? No! You knew all about them, but you let it go on for a year! What kind of mother enjoys seeing her child in pain? Why did you make me sleep on the kitchen floor with no blanket to keep warm? Why did you dump those trash-bags on me? Oh yeah, I remember...because that's where dogs sleep- in the trash. And that's also why you made me eat off the floor. Why did you hit me? And kick me? And pull my hair? Where is the money that you took from me? Where are ALL of my things that you took from me? Why couldn't you ever be proud of me the way you were Mike? Why was I always fat and disgusting to you? Why was I “going to grow up a failure, never go to college, and probably get knocked up before I graduated high school”? I only ask because, here I am- a success in college, and you seem to despise it! You claim that you were the one who always stuck up for me, but I guess you don't remember every time I was ever brought up in conversation, you had to tell them how awful and corrupted I was (right in front of me). Why did you keep me locked up behind closed doors, while the others went out and played? I did nothing wrong! You claim that it was the only way I would learn. The only thing I learned was that you were really mean. Why did you hurt yourself, and cut yourself, bloody yourself, threaten to shoot yourself with a gun to your head in front of us? Do you realize what kind of mark that leaves on a child? You defend yourself by saying that you were justified by what YOU were going through. I say, nothing justifies traumatizing a child. If you can't keep your shit together, leave the kids out of it! It wasn't supposed to be our jobs to take care of you, but you made us your slaves. What did I get in return for being your slave? Nothing but hurt...Thanks for nothing but pain. I’m through trying to get through to you. I’m tired of you controlling my heart and my life. It’s my turn to live my life!

To: Ron

From: The rest of us

Ron, we see behind your mask; we see your pain and longing. You were first to become part of Melissa, to protect her heart with rocks and ice. She hides behind you, waiting for love, longing to be held by anybody! You are so close- you feel it too! She wants to cry on someone’s shoulder, to be coddled, and tell them everything, while you hide behind your stone wall with your arsenal fully loaded. But we know that you want to scream. You want to cry out, too. You feel as if nobody could ever know your pain; you’ve seen so much more than all of us! You’ve had to protect us from many painful situations. You walk alone amongst us! If someone could put their arms around you, you would cease to exist. What you see as the greatest form of weakness, is what you long for the most. You hide Melissa’s great need for affection, because you truly believe it to be a fairy tale that will never come true, and you don’t want to see her crushed the way you are. You wish to be wrapped in the comfort of someone else’s care just as much as she does, but you hide it with violence and hostility. You are still caught in the past! To you, if she loves then she will be hurt again! But we want to tell you, that it isn’t that way anymore. You don’t have to wear your poker face anymore. Quit talking tough, when in reality you’re still a baby. How many times have we covered up your tears for you? You’re not invincible! We know you’re in pain. You can get help too. It’s O.K. to want to be loved and cared for, even if you think you’re a tough guy. Just because you’ve hurt a lot of people to protect us, doesn’t mean that you can’t be loved. Why do you feel you must be hated? Everybody can see your anger, but we see your pain. Don’t keep yourself in chains!