Jennifer C.

BIOGRAPHY

 

My name is Jennifer. My memories of abuse are not very vivid. They all seem to blend together. I remember the physical and emotional abuse beginning around the age of three. However, I would assume it probably started earlier. The sexual abuse I remember starting around the time I was seven. Of course the severity changed as I got older. That went on to about the time I was fifteen.  

I have been through a lot. I have experienced the abuse, rape, ptsd, depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, cutting, and many other things. When people used to ask me about myself.. the first thing that would come into mind was my past. Now when people ask me about myself I think about who I am as a person. I am not the past abuse, which took me a long time to realize. I am Jennifer. I am a kind, compassionate, open minded person. It is not an easy thing to make that transition, but it is possible.

 

Today I am a sophmore in college. I am majoring in psychology with a minor in art therapy. I am hoping to work with victims of rape or eating disorders and teach them and show them through example that they can be survivors and that they do not have to be deemed a victim forever. 

 

Despite what people might think, the abuse I have been through has made me stronger. It has taught me to be open minded, enjoy life to its fullest, and to appreciate everything I have. Perhaps the thing it has given me that I am most grateful for however is the opportunity to help others. It has provided me with as unfortunante as the circumstances were the backing to genuinely understand what people are going through, sympathesize with them and help them make the best out of their life.

 

 

Q & A

1.  What is your favorite coping skill?

 Going through everything I have, I had a tendency to turn to negative coping skills. Throughout years of therapy, I have learned that there are many alternatives to the self destructive behaviors I would engage in. At one time I remember thinking that cutting was the ONLY answer. But I got over that slowly, but I still did.

Some of the strategies I used were:

• Wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it instead of cutting.
  
• I also used to draw with red marker lines where I would want to cut instead of cutting
  
• I also would hold ice in the place I desired to cut because by holding it there it would hurt, but it would not leave scars.
  

Some other good strategies to keep in the back of your mind are:
 

• Call a friend
  
• Write (for me it was poems, but any form of expression is good)
  
• Draw/Paint
  
• Sing a song
  
• Dance
  
• Go for a walk
  
• I have learned the importance of talking to people and the important role that friends play in your life.

• Play a game.   
• Talk to someone.
• Bounce a ball
  
• Drink water
•  Stare at an object, and then make up a story about it
  
• Write out all of your feelings and thoughts on a piece of paper and then rip it up
  
• Go online
  
• Write a letter
  
• Chew gum
  
• Lay down

It is important however to make sure that the coping skills you choose are not encouraging a negative behavior. For example, if you have an eating disorder you should not use going for a jog, playing your favorite sport, dancing, going for a walk, or excercising to cope. The same goes for someone who has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). You should not clean, organize things, or do the dishes. The list goes on...

For me, I found it useful to keep a log of all the coping skills I tried. I later went back and looked at what worked for me in certain situations and why.  

Make sure to include: 

• How you feel before you use the coping skill (thoughts, feelings, urges, etc.)
  
• Why you think you feel the way you do
  
• What coping skill(s) you tried
  
• How you feel afterwards
  
• Urge monitoring (intensity of urges before and after coping skills are employed)
  
• Whether or not you acted on your urges
  
• How you felt before and after acting on urges and why
  
• Whether or not you acted on your urges
  
• How you felt before and after acting on urges, and why

2.  What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

The best piece of healing advice I ever got was from a therapist. She told me that "I had to accept the past but not forgive my abuser". During this time in my life I was so focused on my past and how unfair it was that I could barely function. Her words really sunk in and made me realize that I had to accept what happened to me. That did not mean, however, that I had to say that what happened to me was justified (because it wasn't) but that I had to do this for me. I had no control over what happened to me but I did have control over my future. Being stuck in the past made me forget that. I was letting the abuse control my life and I didn't have to.

3.  What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

The worst piece of healing advice I ever got was from my own mother. She told me to just get over the abuse. She said it happened but it was over and to forget it. She also told me that it had to be our "family secret". This was not good advice because for a while I listened. I didn't know any better. I would not talk about what happened and I kept it all inside. Unfortunantly I did this for a long time and then when I went to college last year it ALL came out. I just couldnt hold it in anymore. I wish I had dealt with it years ago because it is something you will NEED to deal with at some point in your life. It doesnt magically go away (as nice as that would be)... the affects are still there. I am still plagued by the trust issues, control issues, relationship issues, etc. But I guess that is why I am still in therapy trying to work everything out.

 

4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

 

1.  TRUST:  Trust was a HUGE issue for me. Being hurt by my parents, the people who were supposed to be there for me through thick and thing took its toll. I still have an extremely hard time trust people, especially men. I have lost many friends and boyfriends because I couldn't allow myself to trust them.

1.  MEN:  Being someone who was abused sexually and raped, I developed a fear of men in general. When I had my first boyfriend, I freaked out. Everytime he would do the simplest thing such as hug me, I would break down in tears. It was so hard because he took it personally and, since I couldn't express what was wrong, he would get frustrated and think that I didn't trust him. It was a vicious cycle that I am still trying to learn how to deal with.

3.  SELF BLAME:  For the longest time during and after the abuse I blamed myself. I thought everything was my fault. I thought if only I was prettier. If only I was skinnier. If only I was...the list continues. The fact that I had no support and that nobody believed me didn't help. I thought I was a failure which is why I went to great lengths with the eating disorder. Eventually, with the help of one amazing therapist, I learned that it was not my fault.  My mantra became, "The abuse was not my fault...I couldn't have done anything to prevent it". I seriously said that everyday for a year and it has finally sunk in.    

5.  Have you ever hit "rock bottom"?  What kept you going?
Yes, I have hit "rock bottom". I got into a state of depression where I refused to leave the house, thought that everything was my fault, refused to eat, everything. The thing that kept me going however was the fact that my cousin committed suicide and that my best friend passed away. I did not want to end up like them, especially since I had the choice! Instead I wanted to do everything that they did not get the chance to do.


6.  What does forgiveness mean to you?
Forgiveness is a word that I still struggle with defining today. I do not think I will EVER fogive my father for the abuse he put me through. However, I have learned to forgive a lot of other people for things they do. Sometimes people say I am too forgiving but, the thing is, I have been through so much that the things people consider BIG are, in my eyes, small and should not be focused on. For example, it is not worth losing my best friend over a guy. I also try to give people the benefit of the doubt in any given situation, and try to accept what happened and give them a second chance.


7.  When did you know that everything was going to be okay - that you were going to make it?
I learned that everything was going to be okay just this year at college. Yes, I still get in those boughts of time when I think everything is falling apart again and there is no point, but then I remember that it is my choice - my future. I learned this through my friends at college who accept me for who I am and treat me with respect. When my closest friends found out about the abuse they didn't leave me. Rejection being one of my biggest fears, this was shocking to me. It was at this point that I realized that not all people are going to abandon me and that there IS a point in reaching out and taking chances when it comes to trusting.

8.  Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?
I just want people to know that there is HOPE and you DO HAVE CONTROL of your future. Also, make sure to reach out. These experiences will make you stronger and one day you will be able to help others going through the same thing. DONT GIVE UP!  YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOUR ABUSER AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE DEFINED BY THE ABUSE.


9.  If there was one piece of advise you would give, or on thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process what would that be?
My advice is that, "You have to get through the rain to see the rainbow".

POETRY

I will be the first to admit that the urges still come back. The urge to cut. The urge to starve. The urge to purge.  But I fight them all. I tell myself that I am not going back to that point in my life... I am stronger than that. One of the things that has helped me the most throughout everything would have to be poetry. Poetry is my passion... its something I can do. It is the one thing that lets me get all of my feelings out. Especially at those times when I feel like I've lost the power of my voice.

Dreaming About The Past

I am sleeping in my room,
Dreaming about all my lies
A girl is sitting on her bed,
Endless teardrops stain her eyes.

Broken smiles fade away,
Dirty hair locks frame her face.
Untold sorrows shade her eyes,
Spreading from a deeper place.

Steely eyes alive and sharp,
Crying out with all her might.
Yet she seems so far away,
Coward instinct, fight or flight.

Reddened towels drape across,
Each one soaked in blood and torn.
Self-harm in it's purest form,
Celebrating soul forlorn.

Angry welts adorn her wrists,
Bracelets of her broken skin.
Scattered remnants remind her
Of the girl that she had been.

Staring at my delusion,
I'm quaking with sudden fear.
She's not the stranger I thought.
The girl's identity is clear.

Suddenly, I give a grin,
Spreading fast from ear to ear.
Laughing now, maniacally,
Mocking what I thought was fear.

Teary eyes and breathless words,
Find I'm staring back at me.
Nice to see my reflection,
Scary how I used to be.

I sit up and rub my eyes,
Waking from the dream at last.
Gazing down at my own arms,
Scars are remnants of the past.

I'm not the girl from my dream,
That was who I was before.
Though I've given up my fight,
It's because I won the war.

Shadow

Speak to me, my precious�
Now tell me what you see�
I see a shadow in the corner
A shadow of what was me

I look into her eyes�
Her pain is all so clear
I wonder why she shakes like that
When anyone gets near

I long to hold her close�
To wish her fears away
And stay with her all through the night
Making sure that she's ok

But when I reach out towards�
The desperate girl I see�
I find I'm touching glass�
And that girl is really me

I look into her eyes�
I'm shocked by her despair
I see her sobbing in her room
Her parents unaware

Again I reach towards her�
The cold glass soothes her pain
I know that I must reach her now
Before she goes insane

But no matter how hard I try...
She's still on the other side
Reaching back towards my hands
Yet longing to run and hide

And now she looks so broken
As I smash the cold hard glass
I know that I must reach her�
And I know it must be fast

I see her falling pieces�
Distorted on the floor
Contorted in so many ways
She's broken now I'm sure

I reach out to the glass�
But she's gone from my own sight
I long to find her broken soul
I long to put it right

But I don't know how to save her
From what I have become
I try so hard to call her back
When she starts to run

Tonight I stare� in the glass�
And now I start to see�
Both of us come from my heart
We're a shadow of what was me�

The Skinny On Things

Cosmo Girl, soaps
And One Tree Hill
All give the image
Being young is a thrill

The fountain of youth
Is what we all seek
And if you don't look like them
You are labeled a freak

Blonde hair, blue eyes
A small waist and large breasts
You can be your own person
But must still look like the rest

I sit at home
And surf the TV
While false realizations
Stare back at me

We are told to be perfect
And some strive everyday
To make this goal happen
But they're just withering away

Their souls have been lost
In the chaos of it all
They don't eat to be thin
And wear heals to be tall

But I cannot blame them
I, too, fell in the trap
Dressing as I was shown
Thinking perfection would be a snap

Too much of the outside
Is what we see
But what's truly amazing
Is what's inside you and me

Shadow

Speak to me, my precious�
Now tell me what you see�
I see a shadow in the corner
A shadow of what was me

I look into her eyes�
Her pain is all so clear
I wonder why she shakes like that
When anyone gets near

I long to hold her close�
To wish her fears away
And stay with her all through the night
Making sure that she's ok

But when I reach out towards�
The desperate girl I see�
I find I'm touching glass�
And that girl is really me

I look into her eyes�
I'm shocked by her despair
I see her sobbing in her room
Her parents unaware

Again I reach towards her�
The cold glass soothes her pain
I know that I must reach her now
Before she goes insane

But no matter how hard I try...
She's still on the other side
Reaching back towards my hands
Yet longing to run and hide

And now she looks so broken
As I smash the cold hard glass
I know that I must reach her�
And I know it must be fast

I see her falling pieces�
Distorted on the floor
Contorted in so many ways
She's broken now I'm sure

I reach out to the glass�
But she's gone from my own sight
I long to find her broken soul
I long to put it right

But I don't know how to save her
From what I have become
I try so hard to call her back
When she starts to run

Tonight I stare� in the glass�
And now I start to see�
Both of us come from my heart
We're a shadow of what was me�

The Anorexic Light Shines Through

And baby, it scares me sometimes
And it suffocates me too
when I am on the road to recovery
The anorexic light shines through

Something clicks inside me
It switches my views around
And I try to see the beauty

But only worthlessness is found

And now I am back to square one
Stuck and thanking Ana for saving me
And it's lonely here and I am scared
Deep down I wish to be free

When will I be enough?
When will I snap out of this way of living
I worship and I live for you
But only heartache you are giving

You chose the perfect candidate
You knew I needed something to hold
You knew I would cling to your presence
Until my heart grew cold

And guess what, Ana?
You were right and in my eyes
You will be forever and always
But please listen to my cries

Because it scares me sometimes
Oh, and it suffocates me too
When I am on the road to recovery
The deathly anorexic light shines through

LETTER

Apologies To My Sixteen Year Old Self:

By now you probably think I have forgotten all about you -
Buried you away beneath better loved memories...
To be perfectly honest, I wish that I could.
But no, you haunt me endlessly...
I see that I have made such fatal mistakes
In reference to your precious dreams.
I know you had such high, sweet hopes;
Such faith in me to let you soar.
Somehow, I must have blocked your sunlight
And so suddenly it seemed to me,
Yet, so slowly it must have been...
I lost you
To my own neglect.
I've wasted away all the chances
To make your dreams come true...
You wanted me to be someone -
Someone who made a difference.
You wanted me to stand up for you,
To show the world all you had to give.
You never would have settled for second best...
Or lived with second thoughts...
Now here I am -
Everything you did not want -
Just another regretful soul
Blending in with the ordinary that surrounds her,
Unable to be anything more than
Sorry...