Katie Mac

BIOGRAPHY

My name is Katie; I am 24 years old and have been on the path to healing for 8 years now. Just this past year I was able to do inner child rescue work with my therapist. The road there was bumpy I suppose one could say. I ran in what seemed like circles for a long time. In and out of a bad relationship, heart breaks, getting close to my family then pushing them away, and a long time spent smothering this voice within. Sort of like I was driving a car with every single check engine light on, breaks squealing, tires about to explode. I thought in my head.. I should be over it. I never gave credit to the magnitude of being an abuse survivor. I wanted to be normal and forget who I was. I am so grateful I was stopped in my tracks by a complete mental and physical breakdown.

It was only then that I needed to love myself all of me. I had to find her. I had seen the doors of a therapist’s office many a time in my teen years but now having a spiritual foundation I wanted to do it all mind, body, and soul. After the sessions of going back into my childhood, into my teen years, and then rescuing those beautiful girls, and upon knowing that they are safe, I found and have learned so much from them. I have a voice now like never before. Everything I do, say, and feel now is based on the intent of love. I went to the place I avoided for years…inside. I loved myself enough to do it, and I love myself enough to share whatever I can with you.

Q & A

1. What is your favorite coping skill?

My favorite coping skill is writing. I have found it to be the start of clearing. I also found a very strong spiritual connection and find comfort in prayer, not of any particular religion. Just finding the place where I feel connected.

2. What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

To do what worked for me. Find what felt right. Those words led me to a place of trusting myself again and feeling in control.

1. What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

That I would just have to get past this… Not that I didn’t, however, this was not my fault and I earned the right to be pissed about it and scream at the world for a little bit.

1. What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

One, Actually Loving myself, Two Actually Trusting myself, Three Trusting others

5. Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

 
Down and up then down and back up again… What kept me going was my faith that somehow there had to be a reason I survived.



6. What does forgiveness mean to you?

Forgiveness is something that can only happen when you love yourself enough to say “it’s okay”, Then whatever actions someone else takes against you have no power because you have you and they are forgiven because you are taking care of you. They’re their own problem to solve.



7. When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it through your life/healing?

I think the healing process is life long…a mission of self love…but I knew I was strong enough to do it the day I snapped out of my breakdown and recounted every detail of what I went through and realized I wasn’t giving myself any credit on how brave I actually had been everyday, knowing what I lived through made me eager to live and love more.



8. Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

That it is a layered process, and to be patient with yourself, Tell yourself that you are loved everyday, if somewhere along your path you had lost faith try and find it again. You are brave and wonderful. I believe in you.

9. If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process, what would that be?

To be kind as we change. It may feel like you’re in the presence of a chameleon but we are just rediscovering parts of ourselves everyday.

To be patient, we are struggling to hold onto a tiny thread of light and we get so tired sometimes, but have faith we will get there and when we do it’s that handful of people who stuck by us that remind us how wonderful it is to love.

Poetry

Here’s a poem I wrote

~"Lay Down" ~

Lay down this kindness

Lay down this truth

Put down your struggle

I'll take on your pain

If you'll be that child to me

Look at me with the wisest eyes

Of the deepest brown

I've ever seen

You've come down to me

I'll fall down to my knees

You're an angel to me

Talk to me

Climbing through life with the purest intent

Talk to me

From what I remember to where you are

From what you've seen to what I feel

I've never known

A part of my heart

A part of my home

Celebrate these ones that in your heart

In your most secret hiding place

Lay down beside her

They ask for nothing

Defining your love

Rebuilding your core

Removing the ice

For you want to give more

Life blows on

They stay in the corner of our mind

Stillness stirs the dust

Your heart is less confined

Crying in silence but someone has heard

I'll lay down

Right beside this angel I find

as she is inside my mind

Not restrained by time

Our souls journey

Walking through seasons

Till I lay down this body of mine

~Katie Mac~

Letter

A letter to a fighting survivor;

I hear your voice, though you may feel mute, I see you even though you are hiding, I love you even if we have never met. Reach inside to that courageous person you had to be in order to take that pain, and give back the anger they tried to put on you for it is not, and never will be, yours. You are a beautiful, caring, kind human being and capable of so much. So come stand with us, the survivors. You are valued more that you could ever imagine. We need you, and we want to hear your truth. Tell us so we can learn, so we can stop this cycle and end the pain. You are so brave for starting this journey and you are never alone here.

All the love and support from here to the moon and back,

Katie

katiemac82@aol.com

Comments

[Stephanie]

Katie, thank you so much for sharing your work. Together, as survivors, we can overcome and create lives of happiness and purpose -- which you are clearly doing.

I appreciated your responses for question number 4. I never thought of obstacles in those terms previously, but I realize now that loving and trusting are two of the most difficult obstacles for any survivor.

Your poem was quite moving. I especially liked the lines:

I've never known
A part of heart
A part of my home.

How I feel this! But the larger intent of your poem, I think, is the rejoining of wounded child and adult. To that place where freedom and peace. Such meaning and truth, here.

Thanks again for sharing your pain...And your renewal.


Tue, September 19, 2006 at 11:16AM

[Joanna]

In reading this it somehow makes it easier to breath. Theres a kind of tightening thats always with me - a tension. But these words , reading them and really taking them in. It allows me to put this gaurd down that I always instinctivly have up, to take a deep breath, and feel understood in ways that I usually doubt exist. You're an amazing human being. One thing that I sometimes dwell on is on the ones that came before us. Before therapy, or self awareness, and far before self-love. They lived til the end never knowing that there was any other way to live. And here we are - we're living what they never would have imagined. We're blessed to be where we are. We're blessed to have eachother. We're blessed to have you. It is people like you that keep survivors moving when they get lost, and who will love them until they can make it to a place where they can love themselves. For these things, I'm forever grateful. Thank you.

-- Joanna Doane
Thu, September 21, 2006 at 12:09AM

[Kristin Kathaleen]

Katie,

The theme of trusting oneself is so delicately woven through your words. Thank you for the reminder that trust is possible and not only in relationships but in relationship to oneself. Your words are genuine; you have been through a rocky road on your journey but I have no doubt that you have now reached a smooth trail. You bring hope to all who read your words. Thank you.

~ Kristin Kathaleen
Thu, September 21, 2006 at 12:17AM

[Chase]

Reading this lovely and honest account of
survival and renewal grasped a hold of my heart. Itoverwelmed me with the memories of self doubt
and the lack of trust I had in myself. It also
reminded me how crucially imperative something thatmay seem so easy and natural to some, but extremely difficult for survivors, truly is. I am gratful to you for your courage, strenght, and grace. You are extraordinarily special and I feel blessed that you shared your journey with all of us.

Don't just survive, but survive well!

Warmly,

Chase
Fri, September 22, 2006 at 09:38PM