Jennifer Breault

BIOGRAPHY

My name is Jennifer. I was abused from age 2 until I was 18 by my father. My brother and mother were abused also. Today, I am happily married to a man with a wonderful, tender heart. He has weathered many storms with me, and has always had a forgiving, loving heart. We have three beautiful children who are the apples of my eyes.

    I have managed to break the circle of abuse in my life, and currently now live happily in the new home that my husband and I have purchased together. My father now comes to the house often to help paint and to visit. We are great friends today, and our relationship continues to grow stronger day by day.

    This journey I have travelled has taught me to not take anything for granted, to cherish every moment, and to breathe as much as possible.

Q & A

 

1. What was is your favorite coping skill?

My favorite coping skills are prayer and sharing my story. I have found the more people that I shared my abuse with the less it hurt. It became as normal as putting on my undergarments everyday. People would be shocked with me (maybe not believing) because I would just blurt it out as if I was telling them how old I was. But the more I got it out there and I heard people's responses, it made me realize that what happened to me wasn't normal. It isn't ok to be treated this way...and it is normal to hurt over it. Those were very important lessons to learn. Because in my home abuse was treated as the NORM.


2. What was the best piece of healing advice you have ever received?

The best piece of healing advice that I've received is that we all try very hard to do the right thing, but everyone makes mistakes.  I learned this piece of advice from my higher power who whispered it in my ear during my strongest moment of need. I share my story about my daughter below...that was my strongest moment. 

 
3.   What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

The worst piece of advice I ever got was to just get over it. This piece of advice was unfortunately from my mother whom also went through the abuse. She has not come as far as I have with her own healing and still grieves and hurts. She makes a lot of really poor life choices over it. I don't lecture. I just place my hand upon hers (a caring gesture that was never allowed in my home), I look her in the eyes and say "It hurts you to hold onto this hate....He doesn't feel your hate. You need to find a way to reconcile your differences so that you can move on." The first time I said this to her she threw her arms around me and had a good hard cry. It was a very healing moment.

 

 

4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

 

The three hardest obstacles to overcome were fear, depression, and blame. I think that these three go without saying. I still battle with the blame everyday....but I have overcome the other two and I know that anyone who seeks healing can do the same.

 

 

5. Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

 
I hit rock bottom three years ago when my depression became so severe that I wouldn't dress, eat or leave the house. My bills were stacking up around me and everything was being shut off. My husband could have helped but he knew I had to climb out of this  hole on my own.  What kept me going were my children and husband as well as the urge to prove everyone wrong. I had this deep feeling inside me like everyone I knew expected me to fail in life, my marriage and with my children. All I wanted was a chance to prove the world wrong and show them that I could overcome this and flourish.

 

 

6. What does forgiveness mean to you?

Forgiveness to me means freedom. Freedom from hate, blame, depression, and fear. I smile and laugh now and love very strongly. I feel this huge need to connect with people and show them this new me who really wants to live.

 

 

7. When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it through your life/healing?

 

I knew I was going to be okay when I found a counselor who started helping me unravel the chaos I had enveloped on myself. I was a disorganized mess. Bills weren't getting paid, I had gained 100 lbs, I wouldn't get dressed or eat or bathe, I would drive my children a half hour away so that my brother and sister could help me get them dressed and fed. My counselor came to my home because she knew I wouldn't meet her in the office. She let me vent and taught me how to ask for what I really need.

 

 

8. Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

My message to others embarking on their journey would be to have patience with yourself. Some hurts are harder to heal and though it seems that no one cared when they should have, your higher power was always there with you. His/her arms were wrapped tight around you, allowing you to bury your head in their shoulders, and have a good hard cry.

 

 

9. If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process, what would that be?

My advice to loved ones of the survivor, give them the space they need to discover the person they never COULD be. Stay close enough that your shoulders are there if needed. Never go to bed angry and always always tell the survivor how important they are to your life.

 

 

FORGIVENESS & HEALING

 

My daughter has ADHD and I struggle every day with her behavior. She is so impossible sometimes that it pushes me to the edge. It was that feeling...that wanting to hurt my kid to get her to behave that made me realize where my Dad was at that time. It made me realize that maybe he was a human with normal emotions and a temper that doesn't always stay at bay even when we struggle really hard to keep it there. I was hating my daughter for not being able to knock off all the horseplay and attention seeking and I realized that, the more I pushed her that way, the worse SHE felt emotionally. She wanted me to love her. She wanted me of all people to realize that she had a problem and she couldn't control it. She wanted me to love her anyway. THAT is what led me to my healing. I was able to give my daughter the unconditional love that she craved, I was able to give my father the unconditional love that he craved....and now finally I can get the unconditional love that I crave. I made a lot of mistakes in my life. Life with dad was hell and I struck out at everyone but mostly myself. I hated myself and I made a lot of really bad decisions because of it. My father turned around and constantly bantered me for all of my failings.

 

I was finally able to say to him, "Dad, I made a mistake.  So why can't we just put it in the past and move on?  Can't you love me anyway?"

 

That was like a light bulb in my head. What I needed from him was what he needed from me.  Now, we talk often and we always say what we mean and mean what we say. We never hang up until we have settled every issue and we don't forget to say I love you after every conversation. My father has finally come to accept my husband whom he hated and my children who he had denied. Because I love my husband, he is willing to try and be friendly so that we can continue to grow in our healing.

 

I really pray that everyone who has sustained abuse will find this amazing feeling. The acceptance and love that I always needed. It's all right here now.

 

 

 

DRAWINGS

 

 I often used to go to the water's edge in my town and look out at the lake, dreaming of drowning my sorrows. No one knew the heartache that I felt. It was  like the sea was calling my name, begging me to just end the pain. I found solitude there.

 

 

"Loneliness" 

My painting, "Loneliness" is me looking out at the sea feeling as if there were no one in the world who could possibly love me and debating ending the pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 "FREEDOM"

 

My freedom drawing is me naked of all my depression standing on the shores of that same lake announcing to my tormentor that I am ok. That I will survive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LETTER

Dear Dad, 

    As you know I have spent years lashing out at you and blaming you for the pain that you have caused me. We rarely spoke and it saddens me. I LOVE my dad. For years I have battled with this. I couldn't understand how I could still love someone who would hurt me like you did. I have been punishing you inside my own head. Keeping myself from fabulous opportunities because I didn't want to make YOU happy. I have pushed away everyone who has ever been a friend to me because I feared they all knew what you did and said nothing, there for enabling you to continue your abuse. Now that I am no longer depressed, I look back sadly and realize that those people have all grown, are sick, or have passed on. 

     I am writing this to you today to release you from your punishment. It is time to come out of the corner. I realize now that I was the one being punished for what you did. You never felt that hate that I was throwing your way...just the loneliness. I have seen you try to make a difference in your own life. You have gone to anger management, gone on anti depressants, and have tried so desperately to SHOW me that you were sorry, although, you could never say it. If you were my own child, I would have scooped you in my arms and told you that I know you didn't mean it, and that I know you're very sorry. Next time let's use our words instead of our hands.

      I accept the things I cannot change. I can't change the past Dad. No matter how hard I try. The events that happened were very real and no matter how much either of us regret them...we just can't take them back. I can't change the hurt and pain that I have caused or felt, or the years of lost time.  I can't FORGET the past.

      But I can change tomorrow. I want to know you Dad. I want to love you and to be part of your life. I want my children to know their grandfather. I can change all of that. Will you let me part of your life?  Can we look at each other and not see the violence? I am willing to let you back into my heart, do you think we can be friends?  

I love you.

Jennifer Breault

mommataurus@yahoo.com

Comments

[Joanna]

Jennifer,

So many of us would like to think that we're above hurting others. But, as you have illustrated, we're not. An important concept that my own therapist brought to my attention, that I never try to lose sight of, is that all of us are capable, under the right circumstances, of loving and of great destruction. The experiences that you've shared is a great reminder of this, and I think its a lesson that many survivors would like to be able to just sweep under the rug. We'd all like to think that we aren't capable of hurting others the way that we've been hurt. But that just isn't true. On some level, even if its not close to the abuse that we've experienced, we're all capable of it. We're all capable of both good and evil. All of us. While I'm not abusive to anyone today, I could be very physically and emotionally cruel to my siblings growing up. Because it was the norm in our household. We thought that it was okay.

I'm lucky that as I grew up I came to realize that it wasn't okay to be treated or to treat others in that manner. I'm lucky that it didn't take me long to see it as being wrong. While it doesn't make abusing others in anyway okay, it does make it understandable why others do go on to abuse their own children, and others they're supposed to love. It doesn't make it okay or acceptable, but very understable as to why it would occur. I try to keep fresh in my mind, an example I came across in high school while researching why people end up as they do. In high school, I read about two men who both had fathers who were severly physically abusive to them through out their childhoods, and who's mothers were very absent from their lives. Both men grew up in lower class households. One man grew up to be Ludwig Van Beethoven and the other grew up to be Adolf Hitler.

Thank you so much, Jennifer, for reminding me of this. While it's scary to think that I could ever be capable of hurting others in the way that I was hurt, I would only be lying to myself if I thought that I was completely immune from ever reaching that point. In all actuality, I am just incredibly blessed that I am where I am in my life today. Thank you so much for this reminder.

-- Joanna
Sun, October 1, 2006 at 05:45PM

[Stephanie]

Jennifer,

Thank you so much for your sharing your story. Each survivor's voice is like another latern on the string -- one which illuminates, yet transcends the terror and pain.

I admire your courage. Of admitting that you, yourself, have thought about harming your child and that you could relate to your father's impatience and rage.

I have a young toddler who keeps me busy and often times exaggerates my nerves. There have been times when I've wanted so badly to strike her, but didn't. I knew that to do so would be "following in my caretakers footsteps". I also knew where the feelings came from and why perhaps, my caretakers inflicted harm. It's not easy being patient. It's not easy to reverse the cycle of abuse. But it can be done...As you've clearly shown.

I admire your courage and I also admire your strength -- in reaching out to your abusive father, of acknowledging the past but highlighting the future. I wonder if you'll show that letter to your father someday? I hope so.

All the best!


Mon, October 2, 2006 at 11:15AM

[Jennifer Breault]

The letter here to my father was one that I did actually give him. Once I realized that the acceptance I searched for was the same he was seeking from me, I hopped in the car ran to Walmart bought a card and wrote this letter, then, drove to his house and placed this card and one yellow rose on his driver's seat in the car. I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks and was worried that we wouldn't be able to come to terms with the past. Finally, I stopped by for a visit and he burst into tears when he saw me and just kept hugging me. Healing is an amazing thing! I hope everyone gets to feel this healing and unconditional love.

When I told my Dad, that I wanted to share our healing with others he let me borrow the card.

Fri, October 20, 2006 at 12:52AM