Kylee Jones

BIO

 

Hello, my name is Kylee, and I am a survivor of physical, emotional, and sexual child abuse.  There once was a time when I wished I could be anyone but Kylee Jones.  For a long time, I wanted to be Amy (my alter-ego), the confident, independent princess who had six loving siblings, a mother and father who adored her and an aunt whose mischievous side added a little spice to life.  When I wasn't spending my time as Amy, I longed to be Anne - the imaginative, starry-eyed, orphan girl who found a supportive, loving home in Avonlea.  Yet, for all the wishing in the world, I could never be anything more than just old Kylee, the girl who was not good enough to make her father happy, who was afraid she would never be perfect enough for others to love her, and whose innocence was marred by an unnatural knowledge of things she was not ready to know. 

 

I hated being Kylee because she was alone.  She wanted so much to reach out to others, but she often found herself lashing out to keep from being hurt.  She was weak.  She didn't know how to communicate with others, and she feared making a mistake because she knew it would cost her the few people that she had ever really loved.  Kylee wasn't "normal."  She had secrets.  She had things that she had to hide.  She had to protect herself while also protecting her family from their secrets.  She bruised easy, and she was too sensitive.

 

If you were Kylee, wouldn't you have wanted to be someone different too??

 

It amazes me to look back at the person I once was and see how much has changed.  Sometimes it makes me sad to know that I lost so many years to abuse.  Yet, there are times when I realize that those years made me who I am today.

 

The Kylee of today is much more confident in who she is.  She understands that love does not have a price tag.  She knows that those who love you accept who you are - the past, your faults, and all.  She does not fear being judged because she knows she is worthy.  She is strong enough to stand against those who would try to oppress her.  She is capable of identifying unhealthy patterns in people and relationships, and knows when to stand up for herself.  She still has difficulty communicating sometimes, but she knows that she is not alone in her struggles.

 

My healing journey began about sixteen years ago - the day my mother took me away from my father's home.  Even though I say that my journey began that day, I was completely unaware that there was a path to be taken.

 

Being removed from an abusive situation was the beginning.  However, it took several years for my mind to begin to feel safe enough to let me begin the healing process.  After about two years, the flashbacks began.  Although they were terrible, and I wanted nothing more than to purge myself of the reminders, I know now that it was the first sign that true healing was ready to begin.  My mind was finally able to let go of it's secrets because it knew I was strong enough to begin dealing with them.  It was terrifying, but it was time.

 

After a while, I began to have trouble coping with the images.  In order to get the images out of my head, I began cycling between silence and "purges."  In a purge, I would select a friend who had never heard my story and tell them about what was happening.  This helped release some of the intense feelings for a while, but even this strategy stopped working after about four years.

 

I finally fell apart in college.  I couldn't cope with the anger, frustration, pain, and fear any longer.  One of my friends directed me to a counselor who helped guide me through the healing process.  At first it was really difficult because I was numb.  It was like there was the world that I lived in with no problems, and then there was the world with my counselor where we talked about the problems that were tearing me to pieces. As time went on, I began realizing that I had to actively participate in the healing process if I were to make progress.  I learned that I had to allow the abused part of myself to be integrated into the everyday part of me.  It was then that I began researching childhood abuse outside of my sessions and created my website as a healing tool.

 

It took many years for me to begin accepting the abuse as a part of who I am.  That does not mean that I began to allow it to define my existence or essence.  Yes, abuse has touched my life, it has changed my life, and it has shaped me into the person I am - but it does not make me who I am.  I have that choice.  My abusers once told me that I was unworthy & unlovable, but I now know that they saw the world through diseased eyes.  Many of my behaviors may stem from abuse, but I have the power to learn from and change them.  I will not let my abusers win by believing that I must accept their perceptions or live with their secrets.

 

I will speak out, and I will make a difference because that is who I am.

 

Kylee's Contact Info:

Homepg:    http://btrflywngs.org

Email:        btrflywngs@msn.com

 

 

 

Q & A

 

1.  What is your favorite coping skill?

Writing.  By putting my thoughts and feelings on paper, I am able to get them out of my head and into a more concrete form.  Over time, this allows me to review my thoughts over and over to gain perspective and ensure that my healing process is progressing in the right direction.

 

 

2.  What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

Go to counseling.  Most people are afraid to seek professional help because it means "something is wrong" with them.  However, counseling gave me courage to find the answers and provided a clear path for the journey ahead.  After leaving counseling, I was able to continue my healing journey with tools that allow me to develop coping strategies and deal with new issues as I encounter them.

 

 

3.  What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received? 

Take medications.  When my friend and counselor suggested anti-depressants, I told them I would only do so if it was absolutely necessary.  I felt that taking medications would only prolong the inevitable.  If I took meds, I would feel better, which would in turn make me feel as though there was nothing to confront.

 

While I do not disagree that medications are very helpful in combating depression and anxiety, I feel they are only a part of the solution to overcoming emotional distress. Over time, stress causes the brain to not only build up barriers, but decreases it's ability to produce the chemicals that lead to healthy function.  In order for one to have success in healing, he/she must learn to restructure their thought processes, which in turn will help return balance to the brain.  Only then can taking medications help one achieve stability.

 

 

4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

1. Changing my perspective - for so many years, I had been taught that I was a nuisance, that I would never receive approval and love if I was not good enough, that I was bad if I accused another of hurting me, and that perfection was important.  It took a long time to realize that, when I thought these things, I was seeing the world through the eyes of my abusers.  I was looking at myself through the perspective of people who were very unhealthy and who held very limited views of the world.  Even in the face of these realizations, years passed before I was able to begin to understand that I was the opposite of everything they had taught me to believe.
    
2. Ending toxic relationships - as I stated before, I felt that I was a bad person if I ever admitted that someone else hurt me.  I thought I would be "bad" if I ended a relationship because someone hurt me repeatedly.  It was not until my father threatened to whip me, at the age of 26, that I realized that I was not bad for wanting to be treated with love and respect.
    
3. Distinguishing real and suppressed emotions - this has probably been one of the most challenging parts of the healing process for me.  Because touch was very rare in my childhood, I never learned how to associate the appropriate feeling with each type of touch.  When relationships become physical, the overload of emotions and the inability to understand them often causes me to bounce between closeness and distance.
    
    

5.  Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

Yes, the Christmas before I started counseling I just wanted to curl up and die.  I was just coming out of a very difficult relationship, and my issues with abuse began resurfacing.  I felt lost and alone, and for several weeks, I had suicidal thoughts.  The fear of messing up and living with even more pain was the only thing that kept me alive at that point.  It took some time for me to realize that giving up on life would be the same as giving up on the people that loved me ~ and that was something I could not bare to do.  Although learning to live again was something that only I could do, I was fortunate enough to have friends who understood what it was like to feel broken, and they helped me to see that there was hope for healing.

 

 

6.  What does forgiveness mean to you?

Letting go.  For years I held all of my anger toward my family and the pain that the abuse caused inside.  There were times that I would attempt to forgive by trying to purge myself of the feelings I had been holding onto, but the hurt would always come back.  Finally, I came to understand that forgiveness is not forgetting or excusing, but letting go of your need for vengeance so that you may not be consumed by it.

 

 

7.  When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

After I had been in counseling for about three months, I began to feel more comfortable with my feelings and was making progress in letting go of the pains of my past.  My counselor told me one day that he thought it was time for me to move on to better things, and that was my last session.  It was a wonderful feeling to know that I was finally capable of coping, on my own, with something that had consumed my life for so many years.

 

 

8.  Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

It will get better.  Healing is a journey - if you focus on the destination, you will feel as though you will never achieve your goals.  However, if you learn to take each day as it comes, you will find that peace and joy will come much sooner than you ever anticipated.  You will have good days, and you will have bad days.  There will be some issues that you will revisit from time to time, simply because you do not always gain all the tools needed to cope with different parts of the problem at same time.  Don't give up because there is hope, and don't be afraid to open up to those you love and who love you.

         

 

9.  If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process, what would that be?

Even though it hurts to watch your loved one go through something difficult, please understand that we must do this on our own.  Healing is an active process, which requires participation from the survivor.  Please resist the urge to rush in and "fix" everything because it causes us to feel as though we will never be able to cope with or control the problems that we face.  Love us, support us, and walk with us along the way.  That is all we ask, it is what we need, and it will help us more than you will ever know.

 

 

 

POETRY & ART

Fading

 

What have I become -

An empty shell of me

Love, joy, peace, and light

No longer do I see.

 

Hope leaves me alone -

And so too do my dreams;

Shades of me fading

Into the scheme of things.

 

Gone now is the love -

And laughter that did ring;

Tears stream from these eyes

No more my heart does sing.

 

� 2002 ~ Kylee Jones

 

 

Ode to Innocence

 

Innocence - how it fades away;

How quickly it doth depart.

Before the knowledge it exists,

It disappears from the heart.

 

Shimmers like a silver moonbeam;

Dances thru mists of night.

Organza ribbon to which I cling,

Sparkles translucent in the light.

 

Shadows eclipse the shinning stars;

Bring with them a bitter chill.

Fill me up with quiet sadness,

Evil from within I feel.

 

� 2002 ~ Kylee Jones

 

 

I am a ...

 

 

 

 

 

LETTER

 

To the little girl inside:

 

How do I begin to tell you how I feel - to say how sorry I am for ignoring you for so many years?

 

For years I lived in fear of you because I didn't know who you were.  I thought you were a shadow who sought to do me harm.  Your whispers haunted me, and your knocks at my hearts door sent chills down my spine.  Each time I caught a glimpse of you in the darkness, I ran the other way.  It was terrifying to know that there was someone else lurking in the depths of my very soul.  I did not want to be trapped by your secrets because I was afraid I would never see the light again.

 

But one day I finally realized who you were.  I finally understood that you did not wish to hurt me, you just wanted to be understood.  You only wanted someone to listen to the pain you felt inside.  You reached out when you saw me because you wanted to be understood.  Just like me, you wanted to be loved, accepted, and hugged.

 

I know it's too late to save you from the darkness, but I want you to know that I am here now.  I will always be here for you.  When you need me, I will listen.  If you wish to cry, I will dry your tears.  I won't ever forget you again.

 

With all my love,

Kylee

 

P.S.  Please don't leave me lonely, because you are the only one who truly understands who I really am.

The following letter is an abridged response to an e-mail my father sent at Christmas asking why I "don't come see him anymore":

I really don't know what to say except that I appreciate your apology.  I know that sounds harsh, but I never thought I would hear those words from you.

When grandmother died, what happened with you and [my brother] at her funeral really upset me.  It was like watching every hateful moment you had ever had toward mom all over again, except it was through [my brother] this time.  After that day, I decided that the three of us needed to sit down and talk things out.

Then, at Christmas, when you "jokingly" threatened to whip me, at the age of 26,  for not wanting to be in a picture with [my brother] and his new family, I realized that things would never change.  I could not believe that you would  threaten me, joking or otherwise, with something that had hurt me so deeply as a child.  It was then that I understood that, if I was ever to save myself, I had to walk away.

I know it hurts you to hear this, but you have said many things to hurt me too.

There are lots of things you do not know because I knew I could not trust how you would react.  Because of your idea of love, you spent all your time trying to "fix" me as a child instead of trying to figure out what was actually causing me to be broken.

After I replied to his message, I read his e-mail again and realized that the "apology" he made was not an apology for his actions, but for my misperceptions of them.  Although I misunderstood his original intent, it gave me and opportunity to express my feelings without fear of judgment.  Barriers that had been standing in my heart for most of my life fell, and I finally began to feel and own the pain that I had always tried so hard to hide.  My father has not responded to my e-mail, but it does not matter.  What matters is that I was finally able to find my voice and speak out against the pain that he has put our family through.