Eshanya Walls

BIO

 

I am Eshanya, I walk with Grace, & I am a SURVIVOR!

 

A survivor in/of many forms of mental, emotional, & physical abuse.  A survivor of negative situations, experiences, and mental illness. A survivor of myself when I used drugs & alcohol to self medicate from what I thought I could not endure, or I should say the lack of coping skills I had, the worthlessness I felt, and the pain I took on that, at one time, I allowed to take over me. My son at the age of 6 was also a victim of sexual abuse.  With that being said I would love to add that in my days ahead I will

 

continue to heal, fight, speak out and help others.

 

I can truly say that although I have work to do, I can now look at myself in the mirror and say, "Eshanya I love you for who you are and for what you have been through.  For the woman you've become and the courage you have always had, but that was tucked away. For the honesty you give, and for being the Mother that you are who is loved.  For fighting for the right and against the injustice that is in the world".

 

I am thankful to be able to share my healing with you all.  I also want to add that none of what I have been through was easy, in fact I see it as looking Hell in the face.  And although the healing is the hardest thing I have ever went through,  it is worth it, It is mine, and I am proud.

 

This is how I crossed the line from victim to SURVIVOR

I had been seeing a psychiatrist for my mental health, and I became addicted to the medicine they had me on.  I sought after a therapist, not any therapist, but THE THERAPIST.  My doctor recommended a woman named Sue. 

I made my appointment,  and thought to myself and prayed to the Lord, "This time around, I need to trust this one,  I need to connect with this one, and I need this person to truly know me, not just about me". 

I just needed someone to truly care.  So going in there to talk with her for the first time I had prepared questions for her.  I wanted to know her before she knew me. 

I thought to myself, "If she answers one question not to par then I will seek someone else". 

I was tired of life, myself, and of the pain and I would be damned if I wasted any more time.

 

What do you know?  She was blunt, kind, compassionate, and told me that if I continued to drink and abused medicine (by this time they pulled my meds from me) that she could not see me or help me.  Wow I loved that, someone who was to help me and who truly cared.  I became sober that week and remain sober still to this day.  That was 22 months ago.

 

After I got sober I searched the Indiana State Sex Offender Registry to find that the Child Sex Offender who molested my son was not listed, although I found him on the county site. 

I thought "If he is missing from the state site how many others are?" 

I stayed sober and did some research.  The numbers of missing names was overwhelming and it scared me.  I used my voice and made the South Bend Tribune news paper headlines on a Sunday (finally the person that was going nowhere made a humongous difference)!  I found a passion in life and realized that although all of my life had been negative in someway or the other,  I had finally found the positive, and pulled it out of me to help others.

 

I also use tools to help me now, and though it continues to be hard to break old negative habits, I still try with sincerity.  I meditate, journal, write poetry, talk, use essential oils, use daily affirmations, and continue to do research.  Now when the bad thoughts come in (and oh they have), and my anxiety is up, and I lose focus and can not concentrate, I just relax.  I also have found that, although I have cried my whole life, I still continue to cry and sometimes sob.  To find a narrow path is so hard and scary.  I sob to bring that little girl in me out so that the woman in me can hold her hand and bring her with me down this new, narrow path.

 

This is not saying that I will never forget the pain I've suffered, that I will never at times ignore the lessons I have learned,  or that I won't sometimes remain cautious of people around me, but I must learn to become the woman I was meant to be.

 

  I now have faith, positive thoughts, comforting words, honesty,

    pride, motherhood, good memories and myself.

  I now have the sun, and moon, time, pride, worthiness, smiles,

    laughter, compassion, and myself.

  I now have sobriety, coping skills, cleanness, prayer, my children,

    a future and goals.

  I now have Eshanya.

 

 

~ Eshanya's Contact Information ~

Email:             eshanyaw@yahoo.com 

Homepage:  www.myspace.com/eshanyawalkingwithgrace

 

 

Tribune Photo/JIM RIDER

Eshanya's Article in The South Bend Tribune

 

 

 

 

 

Q&A

 

1.  What is your favorite coping skill?

Remembering where I want to be in the future, and of the work I have done in becoming who I am today.

 

2.  What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

Now knowing that nothing that was ever done to me, which caused pain in me, was my fault.  And that I can do anything, but it will take time.

 

3.  What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

I have to laugh at this question.  Which piece do you want (just kidding)?  I would have to say, when the psychiatrist I had after I was raped sat across from me, after I told him. His reaction was to sit there with his eyes closed and say,"Um hum...um hum...um hum", followed by, "How did that make you feel?"

 

4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

1)  My child's sexual abuse and the unjust in court

2)  Changing who I had become in life

3)  Trusting again

 

5.  Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

Yes I have, more than once.  I kept going because I still had to live on this earth with my 3 children and I wanted the peace that others had.  I still to this day make it a goal to find peace in everyday

 

6.  What does forgiveness mean to you?

I have to be honest, I am still working on this, but I am learning that forgiveness is for peace within myself.  It is not saying what the other person/persons did was ever okay or right.

 

7.  When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

When I was able to set boundaries for myself.

 

8.  Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

That what they have been through was/is very hard.  What they will go through in their journey is even harder, but it is worth it.  There is peace, happiness, and light in everyday and once you taste it, it becomes easier.  Never be scared of speaking out.  If you were not validated then validate yourself.  We have felt pain of many forms, but to feel peace only comes in one form.

 

9.  If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivor's healing process, what would that be?

Do research on the effects of abuse and know what that person is truly going through or might go through.  Have them seek great professional help if needed.  Guide them , hold their hand, tell them they are not alone and to connect with other survivors, to never be ashamed of what happened to them, and that it is not their fault.  Hold them, let them go through the "grieving process" with you showing compassion, and understanding.  Help them grow into who they are meant to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

POETRY

 

Eternal Prayers

By:  Eshanya Walls

The room is gloomy, and takes on more,

there is a scene of pain and dread.

With her eyes closed by the blanket of small comfort,

scenes of dreadfulness flash in her head.

She trembles with her next thought

of confusion and despair.

But she wakes up in actuality

with visions here nor there.

Out of mayhem she cries out

for Angels to carry her voice

and whispers to the power above to comfort her

and help her make her choice.

"Why must I go on and carry this pain,

when I am still innocent and pure�"

My Child too many who will suffer the same,

you will one day be the cure.

The room fills with a light, that illuminates and shines,

from this day and forward on,

her peaceful path she will find.

 

Dedicated to S. Henderson

As child survivor of Sexual Abuse

 

 

My Name

With no moon to sleep, no sleep to rest -

I assume my name over and over.

No sun to blind, to awake, to take -

I assume my name over again.

No thoughts just sweat, fear, and remorse -

to assume a name in place.

No one here to receive my name. 

Did I even survive in their thoughts?

Time to shut down, not to arise for the sun,

and the moon doesn't keep.

No light to adjust to the darkness of night. 

Will it ever remember me?

Does it recognize the difference though

of course, it does not know me?

I assume my name, in time, in place,

or the sun and the moon do mix.

- Eshanya Walls

  June '04

 

 

Eternal Prodigy

In the shallow of the wind I heard a silent scream.

The meaning of God was disposed of

in the judgment of one's mind,

Invaded by the darkness that smothered the being,

An open hand of crystals that appeared to be dull...

A prodigy already existing in numbers,

multiplied, by hand in hand.

Eternal peace is with the beings,

with time never presented to them.

Eshanya Walls

Dec '04

 

 

All Words & Poetry Copyrighted  by Eshanya Walls
© 2007

 

 

 

 

LETTER

 

To the Woman who Gave me Life, My Mom

I remember looking up at you as you sang in church.  Your voice caught my attention and sounded over all the others.  Oh how I love you and how I loved that feeling of peace when you sang.

You are beautiful to me, strong, willed, and good.  You are my mom and you gave me a gift of life.  I appreciate my life Mom, and I was never able to tell you that.

I remember you saying "where did I go wrong?"  You never went wrong with me mom, you did your best,  and looking back on my life I now understand yours.

You were also a woman with pain, and I wish I could hold your hand and tell you everything will be fine in the end.  WE CAN GO THROUGH THIS TOGETHER and heal.

I know you are up there, looking down on me and proud of the woman I have found in me.  You encouraged me with your words while you were here, it was up to me to really believe them.  You did what you could, it took me to figure my life out.

I now understand the pain you felt for me and the tears you cried, but it was you who I learned from.  Growing up with the strength that I seen in you has truly help me at my time in need.

You placed morals in me and that truly was my inspiration to have those morals again.

Thank you for my life Mom.  Although it hasn't been easy, I can now say I love my life you gave to me.

Love your daughter,

Eshanya

Comments

[Marchelle]

I love you Shaney, and i'm so proud of you!! Continue touching others hearts,and holding peoples hands as they journey through difficult times! God had huge plans for you woman!!

[eden]

eshayna, thank you so much for being so open about your past and healing. you're an inspriation to us all!