Pamela Swider

BIO

My name is Pam Swider. Growing up, I was always the good girl. I made the safe choices, the "right" choices. I rarely drank, didn’t do drugs, didn’t sleep around, and didn’t do anything that people think someone does to "get themselves into that kind of trouble." The trouble I am referring to is being sexually assaulted. I am the last woman that people think of when they think of someone who was raped. I was 24 years old and a virgin when I was raped by a man I met at a bar while out with one of my friends. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I had had one beer to drink all night. It is believed I was drugged that night, especially considering I blocked the event out for over year after it happened. Now that I have worked through the healing process, it really shows how those who claim that "she deserved it" or "the victim is partly to blame" just really are so wrong. No one deserves to be raped.

It has been a long road to recovery. I have been to several therapists, and each played an integral role in my healing. They helped point me in the direction I needed to be in to do the work of picking up the pieces and putting myself back together.

I met and married a man who, because of his own traumas growing up, recognized my pain and gave me a shoulder to lean on when others couldn’t. Our marriage did not work out long term, though, for various reasons. One of those, I believe, is that as I healed, I did not need him like I did when we first met.

Now, I can call myself a survivor. I am married to a wonderful man who supports me and is there for me in ways no one has ever been. But he also recognizes how strong I am and lets me grow on my own. Together we started Women for Hope, a website that provides information about women-related issues. It has a shopping area where products made by women owned companies are featured and 10% of the proceeds are giving to charity. We make the awareness jewelry on the site ourselves. It is so cathartic for me to work on it, the sexual assault awareness bracelets especially. It is my mission to break the silence and let those out there in pain know that they are not alone in their struggles and pain.
 

Pamela's Contact Info:

Email Address:   pamelaswider@womenforhope.com

Home Page:       
                          www.womenforhope.com

Q & A

1. What is your favorite coping skill?

I know this might sound simple, but the coping skill I used the most is talking it out. I find now that I need to talk through any time I make a decision or am faced with a crisis, big or small. Growing up, I was always the quiet one and kept a lot to myself. I realize now that I would actually have conversations with myself to work things out in my head. I actually still do that if there is no one around to listen to me work through what I am trying to deal with.

The hardest part is finding someone who will listen. I am lucky in that I have a wonderful husband who listens to me and understands my need to do this.

Sometimes I write out what I am feeling, although I really resisted doing that, especially in the beginning. I love to write, and I didn’t want the assault to taint another thing I loved. I did end up journaling while going through therapy and it did help somewhat. I think if I would have let myself be freer with it, it would have helped more while I was actually doing it. Reading now some of what I wrote in the past really does show me how far I have come.

2. What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

I was always told when I was growing up to "control myself" when I got emotional, to not get so upset. I was looked at as weak and "sensitive." So of course, in dealing with the rape, I was always putting on a happy face for everyone, like I was "handling it just fine." I thought it made me look tough and strong. And maybe it did to some.

The best piece of healing advice I received came from my first counselor. I had so many horrible emotions inside and was feeling so overwhelmed. At that time the most paralyzing emotion was sadness and I was constantly battling myself into not feeling sad. She told me to stop fighting my emotions and to let myself feel them and release them or they would eat me up inside. I literally spent the night with a friend who graciously brought over sad movies and comfort food, including the necessary chocolate, and we sat with a box of tissues and I bawled my eyes out. It was amazing how much that helped.

Now, when I am sad, I let myself be sad, when I am angry, I let myself be angry and when I am happy, I feel like I am on top of the world. And I even though some may see it as a weakness; I show how I feel on the outside. I express my emotions. And I have never felt or been stronger.

3. What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

The words I hate to hear – "Just get over it!" I know looking back on when they were said to me, they were coming from people who hated to see me dealing with the rape and wanted me to be back to the quiet and serene Pam that they knew. However, they are such a selfish and insensitive thing to say. Basically – I don’t like seeing you suffer. It makes me feel bad and I don’t like to feel bad. So stop feeling bad, so I don’t feel bad anymore.

4. What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

1. Dealing with the fear
At one point, I was scared to leave my house. The fear made me feel out of control, like I wasn’t living. To overcome the fear, I took things in baby steps. First, going out with others, then going out by myself during the day, and then going out at night and so on. I started to regain my confidence again after a while.

2. Acceptance
I still deal with it, as I think anyone who has been assaulted does. And it is on so many levels. First I had to accept that it happened myself. I think in a lot of ways, that was the hardest part. Then I had to deal with telling family and friends. I received every response in the book and then some. Now, I don’t mind as much who knows or how uncomfortable it is for them to hear about it, but I still deal with people’s reactions. If we don’t talk about what has happened to us, then it will just keep happening.

3. Intimacy
Being that I was a virgin when I was assaulted really made it hard to deal with intimacy afterwards. I had been saving myself for the man I loved, and instead that gift was stolen from me by a rapist. Working through not having flashbacks while being with someone I wanted to be with has been hard for me and for the men in my life. And being able to trust a man again has been a challenge. Thank God, my husband Tom came into my life. He has been so supportive and understanding.

5. Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

Yes. I have been close to the bottom on more than one occasion. I hit rock bottom though when I was on medical leave, dealing with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and on medication. It was just before I getting married for the first time. I was curled up on my bed just crying uncontrollably. My fiancé at the time didn’t know what to do anymore. I was so miserable. And somewhere out of the depths of my soul, a voice said, "I don’t want to feel like this anymore." I certainly didn’t want to go back to being numb like I was before I started healing. There were too many things I wanted to do in my life. I knew then I had to do the work to heal myself.

6. What does forgiveness mean to you?

To me, forgiveness means letting go, to release the anger, the sadness, and the fear. While you need to feel those emotions, holding on to them is so destructive. And you are the one they destroy.

7. When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

This is a hard one to answer, but it is really the turning point in my healing journey.

When I was at my worst, I felt so out of control. As a way to regain some feeling of control, my therapist suggested that I take something that I feel out of control about and do something about it. Together we decided I needed to talk with my oldest sister. She had a habit of belittling me and making judgments about my actions, not only about the rape and my recovery but also about other decisions I was making in my life. In the process of talking to her, she started screaming at me, and ran to my parents’ basement, saying I was attacking her. I was so upset. I had literally been practicing the conversation with my therapist to handle anything she threw at me. But the last thing I expected was for her to run and hide. I had myself so worked up, I ran into the bathroom and got sick. I couldn’t believe that she would run when I was pouring my heart out to her.

Then the turning point happened. My Dad came into the bathroom to try to console me. He had every intention of making me feel better. I was always considered the sensitive one in the family, the quiet one, the one who didn’t yell all the time. He looked at me, as I sat and cried on the bathroom floor, feeling like my sister put a knife through my heart, and said, "Well, Pam, you have to remember, your sisters are stronger than you. You are sensitive. You can’t let this bother you like this." Immediately, I turned my head and looked him straight in the eye. Anger came out of me from the depths. My tears stopped and I said in a steady, straight voice, "How dare you say that they are stronger than me. Why do you say that? Because they yell and scream when they are mad?" He looked at me, shocked at my response and quietly shook his head yes. I said, "I was trying to talk with her, mend our relationship, and she ran away like a coward does. She has not dealt with being violated, being attacked, being assaulted, having her very essence smashed to bits, yet she is the one who ran away from me." I think that is when he truly saw things a little bit through my eyes and he grabbed me and hugged me and said, "No…you are so right. I never should have said that. You are strong and I am proud of you for facing this." My sister finally came upstairs and I tried to talk with her. Although all I was saying to her didn’t quite sink in, she does treat me more like an adult than she used to.

The important part is that day gave me the knowledge that I AM STRONG, and I was going to make it through this.

8. Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

You are not alone and what you are feeling is normal.

9. If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process, what would that be?

Recovery is never a straight line up the mountain. It is like a spiral to the top. And sometimes you keep crossing the same spot in the path to get to the top. But that doesn’t mean that you went backwards, just that you went by the area that is hard to get through again. And usually it is easier the second time, or the 100th, whichever it is.

ART: JEWELRY

The teal sexual assault bracelets below are my way to create awareness about sexual assault and who it touches. It is also very therapeutic for me to make them and special to me when I find out how much they mean to the survivors who wear them.

LETTER

To those who thought I wouldn’t make it:

So, are you surprised? Are you shocked? I bet that you never thought the day would come when I could and would put the rape behind me and heal myself. So many of you thought I would never get here, a place where I am a survivor, not a victim.

I think of the different reactions from those who I told in the beginning, the people I needed to support me. Some of you did not know what to say, so you said nothing, or something ignorant. Some of you were so hurt that I was hurting, that you floundered about and again did not know what to do, even if I gave you suggestions. Some of you dismissed it as no big deal, or tried to make light of it by comparing things that you had been through as being the same thing, when they weren’t even close. There were those of you who listened and acted empathetic when I told you, but then did nothing after to help me, not a phone call to check in, or a visit to see if I needed you. As far as you were concerned, we talked about it and that was that, like I had just told you I had a bad day.

There was one of you that was supportive in the beginning, but as time went on, your support went away, and in place of it was pity or worse, resentment. You said it was long enough. I should be over it by now. In fact you threw my recovery in my face, said you had made too many sacrifices to help me and you were done. You were the worst person of all for me to deal with, the one I leaned on, and just as I was almost to the top of the hill, you cut my rope, my safety net.

In the beginning of my recovery, I only told those who I trusted the most about what I was going through. I know how hard it was for you to hear what happened. I know no one likes to talk about rape, let alone see its affects on someone they love. But just because it makes you uncomfortable, you abandon me. You only tolerate it for so long because it is hard to deal with, or worse, it annoys you to deal with me. What a selfish thing to do.

I heard the comments, the reactions, things said behind my back. "She must be doing something wrong with her recovery. She should be better by now." "Her therapist must not be doing a good job." "I am tired of hearing about it." " You need to pull it together, this is hurting people to see you like this." "If you had more drive, you would be through all this. I thought you would be over it by now." Think of it from my perspective. I am doing everything in my power to work through the most horrific thing that I have ever dealt with, and you stand in judgment of me. 

The common thing above all was that you lost faith in me. Do you not know how painful that was for me to deal with? The people who I love most in the world don’t have faith in me when I needed to have faith in myself the most. So instead of helping me and supporting me, you added another obstacle. Now I had to deal with your reaction to my healing process.

What was funny was people I barely knew would tell me what a strong person I was to be even dealing with what happened. Strangers had more faith in me than those who love me.

But now, here I am. I am well and kicking. I love life again and have found love. I am not only healed, but stronger than ever before. The scars are there, and it will always be part of my life, part of me. I have faith in myself again, and faith in people again. And no one can take that away from me, no matter what you say or think of how I deal with whatever comes my way.

To the few that supported me through my entire recovery or who stepped up and educated yourself and in turn became my biggest advocates, and you know who you are, I want to say thank you. I hope you know how much your patience and faith in me means.

Pam