As a young child, I was physically and verbally abused by my father.  I really didn't understand what I did so wrong; I just knew that most of what I did wasn't right, for some reason.  I guess I wasn't smart enough to figure it out.  My parents divorced when I was 8, and I thought that would be the end.  It wasn't.

My mother continued with the physical abuse, and if my younger sister cried, it didn't matter what was going on, it was always my fault.  At one point, I think I was barely 9, my mother yanked on my arm so hard, I thought it broke, and even begging to go to the doctor, she refused.  To this day, if I have an X-Ray done, it shows damage to the soft tissue in my right shoulder that would be consistent with an injury that happened during childhood.

In high school, a boy I had a slight crush on showed me a whole collection of pocket and fishing knives he brought to school.  He followed me home, and forced sex on me.  My mother actually made a bigger deal about the fact that I was no longer "sweet 16 & never been kissed" than the actual rape that happened.  The thought occurred that I can't trust my mother with this.

As I entered puberty, my own mother started insisting that I not lock the bathroom door while getting dressed, and she started making remarks about the stretch marks on my growing breasts, and it continued on and off with other situations coming up.  I could probably write a short book just on the various incidences of sex abuse I endured literally at the hands of my own mother.

She married an illiterate alcoholic when I was 12, and she left me alone.  After they split, and even marrying a pastor after that, she started back up and would laugh at the fact that no one would believe that a nurse who is married to a pastor would ever sexually assault their own child, particularly a same sex child.  She's my mother.  So I care about her.  Yet she is a long time perpetrator of abuse on so many levels, I hate her at the same time.  Being a manipulator and mentally ill herself, she's a pro at being a "pretend normal" and a control freak.

At age 28, I married my first husband.  Little did I know, I married the male version of my mom.  He too was a manipulator who practices the "pretend normal" and a control freak.  But rather than being a sex abuser by forcing anything, he purposefully withheld it for punishment.

I founded Youth Voice Initiative, a 501c4, to push forth legislation that would help protect our children from further abuse, hoping to tighten up the laws and punishments on those who perpetrate our children in all forms of abuse.  The first piece is April's Law, to stiffen up punishments on those who sexually prey on our children on and offline.  The Wisconsin version is being looked into by the Assembly Committee for Criminal Justice and Corrections.

Contact

Email:  lika.yvi@gmail.com

Website: www.youthvoiceinitiative.org

Q&A

 1.  What is your favorite coping skill?

Music.  By far.  I've always loved music since I was a small child.  I played clarinet and saxophone, and as a young adult, sang karaoke to songs that would speak from the heart.  I did a lot of blues and jazz fusion type songs.  Here I'd sing my heart out, and the general audience would love it.  No one except me and the music knew that I was doing therapy.

I also became a student lobbyist, fighting for victim rights.  Then I became a crisis worker for the local DV shelter.  Both were very therapeutic that I could stand up for those who went through similar situations as myself, and learned that I am NOT dumb or cowardly.  I am smart and courageous.  Now I use my voice for those who don't have one.

2.  What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

That I am worth being a whole person.  It took years before it sank in, but, when it did, it helped me take off as a person.

3.  What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

About the abuse my father doled out (This was from a counselor who was supposed to be helping me):  "Lets deal with your paranoia about abuse".

About the rape from the PD counselor (who was a woman, no less):  "Well, you're an attractive girl.  I can see why he wanted to have sex with you."

About the sex abuse endured from my mother (from 3 different people, my mother's pastor husband, herself, and a divorced aunt):  "Are you sure you weren't just dreaming?"  "Your (ex) husband is planting ideas into your head to try to drive a wedge between us."  "You're a compulsive liar!  You're delusional and need psychological help!"

4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

• Finding my voice, and trusting that I'm valuable enough to make myself known.
• Letting go of my own past abuses so I can move forward to help others.
• Allowing myself to have an enjoyable sex life w/o feeling physically/mentally dirty, and no, I don't have to be a "whore".

5.  Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

Hmm.  Yes, I've hit rock bottom, several times, actually.  As a teen, I debated suicide, but decided I couldn't do it.  Into my adulthood, I was at the point I felt desolate, and didn't know where to go, who to turn to, or anything.  I wanted to just cry til it all stopped.  But I knew that giving up meant my perpetrators won.  I wasn't going to let that happen.  Being stubborn has its up sides, and this is definitely one of them.

6.  What does forgiveness mean to you?

Usually someone needs to ASK for forgiveness, and no, you don't need to forget the past.  Forgetting it means it was okay for those who abuse that it was okay for them to do it.  It's NEVER okay to abuse anybody.  Sometimes forgiveness means letting go of it, like a balloon.  You don't forget the balloon, but, you're not hanging onto it like they're your burdens/sins to bear.  For example, I used to wonder what made my younger sister so much better?  I realize now, I can't change other people.  I let him go.  He can't hurt me anymore.  I was pregnant with my son, when pondering that, and I realized that I needed to let it go to be a better mother for my own.  My son is 11, going on 12.  I can't imagine life w/o a good relationship between us.  I let go of my high school rapist, and a big burden was lifted off my shoulders.

I still have contact with my mom, and so that will take much longer to get through.  I still fall into a rut, but, I have to stay away when I know I can't deal with her.  Who knows what will happen in the future.

7.  When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

I used to be quite promiscuous in college.  When I stopped using sex a s a tool to feel clean, because I was "willingly" sharing myself with men to stop feeling dirty from the sex abuse I got from my mother, is when I knew that everything was going to be fine.  That voice, deep down, that kept telling me that I deserve better finally convinced me that I am worth being me, not the "gifts" I gave to others.

8.  Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

Thank you for being so brave!  Congratulations to taking the first steps in reclaiming the most important person in your life - YOU!  It won't be a short nor quaint journey, and some times you'll make leaps and bounds like you're wearing magic shoes.  Other times, you'll feel as if progress isn't happening, or that you're slipping.  Just remember, it's all okay.  Keep going.  It's not going to be easy, but once you've cleared the hurdle, it will be more than worth it!  You're not alone, and don't forget to reach out.

9.  If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind throughout the survivors healing process, what would that be?

Please do NOT laugh at your partner or down grade your friend for "staying" in a bad relationship, nor make it insignificant.  As a survivor, we don't want to be poo-poo'd like babies, but we need validation through the process.  Believe the survivor, and validate the story, and if we're feeling sorry for ourselves, give us that positive boost to stand on our own.  Often it's the hand ups, not the hand outs that make the biggest difference in the lives of those of us who have been victimized.  It's not good to be perpetual victims, and we don't want to just survive, we want to thrive like the rest of the population, which is often difficult to do when dealing with the abuse aftermath.

III.  POETRY

I went to an Indian reservation, to learn more about their culture and what not.  I was impressed with the fact that they've survived as well, including massive abuses against them as a whole culture.  I've written this poem, to not only honor the Native cultures of America, but also in memory of my own abuse story, and the plight that many of us endure through the discourse of life.  It doesn't have to be ethnic differences, abuse tends to set a whole separate culture within our own, kind of like a sub-world.  It's almost as if there are the abused and non-abused, and many of us survivors are the half mark between the two...  the non-abused sees us as "over it" while the victims may see us as "graduated victims".  I am also half Japanese and half American, and the term "matis" is a Sioux word for "mixed race".

Cultural Difficulties

I see the misunderstanding of the half breeded race.

Go to one, rejected by the other.

They try to make me conform, then leave without a trace.

The people go, expect much of you, not touching base.

I'm part of "the other", but have to act like "us".

When I am myself, I'm attacked with mace.

They stereotype me into a case,

not realizing my double feature.

They try to make me conform, then leave w/o a trace.

I get put into a vase, but I want to be an Ace.

Let me bring the best of both features out, but...

When I am myself, I'm attacked with mace.

All the "pure breds" I see around, no one for me to brace.

Both groups see the other, I just don't fit in.

They try to make me conform, then leave w/o a trace.

A half breed comes along, cannot see my face.

That person also struggles to be free, like me.

When I am myself, I'm attacked with mace.

Though we matis' try to look for grace,

We cannot keep the pace to end the darned race.

They try to make me conform, then leave without a trace.

I do not want or like that fancy lace.

That's for the prissy pure breds that never understand.

They try to make me conform, then leave without a trace.

When I am myself, I'm attacked with mace.

IV.  Letter

To Whom it may concern;

As a survivor of abuse on several levels, I am not a weak person.  Most of us who have survived the trauma are already strong for still being here being who we are, yet so many of us haven't realized our own strengths yet.  Abusers, users, bullies and others, try to understand that we are NOT door mats, not to be pressured into conforming to what YOU want us to be...  YOUR little puppets.  We are people, not puppets.  While I won't take your personhood away, while I accept that you count, your negative opinion does NOT.

Since being an activist in human rights for the abused, I encourage all survivors to speak up in whatever manner possible.  No, it doesn't have to be publicly.  It can be in a form of a private conversation to a person currently being abused, or behind the scenes organizing items for fund raising efforts.  By contributing to further people in need of shelter, protection, support, and more, you are helping to create a broader base of survivors, who in turn help our voices get stronger.  You count.  So does your position NOT to be abused

While abusers may find ways to become sneakier and more deviant, survivors are also finding ways to rise up further out of the ashes to become part of the stronger wall that helps protect us.  We WILL find salvation, and most often, it's within our own self-realization.  When we, as survivors, friends, family, spouses, etc stand together, we become a stronger fabric, because those who commit crimes against others eventually won't have a leg to stand on.

Your friend,

Lika.

I have become a person I could never have imagined.  I consider myself to be a strong, vibrant person who no longer hurts so much.  My primary abuser was my father.  He molested me from the time I was about 9 until I was 13.  My father did go to prison, not so much for what he did to me, but what he did to someone the court considered a non-relative.  That made it a worse crime. 

Healing really occurred for me when I was in seminary at Eden Theological Seminary in St. Louis.  I met people there who could listen to my pain and struggles without looking away.  I also had a wonderful therapist who didn’t leave me alone when I was most vulnerable.  I had other people in my life that had done that, and the combination of people who had listened for a long time and continued to listen, and new friends who listened regularly and didn’t treat me like a freak short circuited the pain I’d felt for so long.  Having part of my story published in O Magazine for the world to see didn’t hurt either. 

Being so public about my pain made me feel strong.  I no longer felt broken or disposable.  I felt like I mattered and had a purpose.  Shining light on something that thrived in the darkness took away its power and hold over me.

Now I publish a blog at jackieshawministries.com and work with other survivors to write healing services to commemorate where they have been in their pain and how far they have come.

My goals at this point in life are to keep talking.  The more survivors who find their voices; the more people will hear those voices and speak out.  The cycle of violence may seem unstoppable, but the cycle of healing is unstoppable as well.  Healing can snuff out abuse because abuse will no longer have the deep, dark shadows of pain and fear in which to hide.

Contact Info:
Email: jackielshaw@yahoo.com

Website: jackieshawministries.com

Q&A

 1.  What is your favorite coping skill?

This was the hardest question for me to answer in the entire questionnaire.  I couldn’t think of a favorite coping skill.   I guess it came down to talking even when no one wanted to hear what I had to say.

2.  What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

 “We love you and believe you can get through this.”

3.  What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

“You have to ask your father to forgive you for breaking up the family.”

 4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

• Finding self-confidence
• Forgiving myself
• Finding a sexual relationship that didn’t overwhelm me and let me have room to be a sexual person 

5.  Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

I have hit rock bottom.  It’s hard.  It hurts.  It’s terrible.  What kept me going was that I was still alive and able to stand when I hit.  It was like, ok, that was horrible, but I’m still here so I might as well get up and try again.

6.  What does forgiveness mean to you?

 Forgiveness used to mean that I had to forgive my father for abusing me and my mother for not protecting me.  It has come to mean that I had to forgive myself.  I couldn’t be angry with myself for not being perfect when I realized that wasn’t what life is really about.

7.  When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

I knew I was going to make it when I put the copy of the O Magazine article with part of my story on the bulletin board at my school. 

November 2006 article of O, the Oprah Magazine, featuring interview with Jackie.

I thought I would die being so public with my story.  I didn’t.  I thought to myself, “You survived all the abuse and being public about it.”  It hasn’t been a walk in the park since then but it has been so much better.

8.  Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

 Don’t give up on yourself.  Give yourself time to heal, but go through it.  It will hurt almost more than you can imagine, but it is so worth it.  You are worth it.

9.  If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind throughout the survivors healing process, what would that be?

Your friend, spouse, partner has been through hell and has lived to tell about it.  Love and support them as much as you can, but take time for yourself as well.

ART & LITERATURE

The House of Shadows

Follow me down the dead end street, where the grain bin towers high.

Just a little farther now.  See, it’s the white house there on the left with the oak and the pines. 

It is time to begin the tale.

The sun shines brightly through the trees and warms the butter colored daffodils. 

We’ll take the back yard gate into the dragon’s lair.

A six foot fence stands tall against the sky to keep neighbors out and helpless children in.

The yard behind the fence watches over memories of long forgotten child’s play.

The old jungle gym stands guardian to an entrance to the past,

sorrow-filled and rotting with the passage of time.

Once through the door of the house filled with night, the kitchen offers its soul.

Can you taste the wondrous scents in the air?

Homemade breads, rich spaghetti sauces, and other palatable delights

made out of love or obligation, the years make it hard to tell.

The first glance of the kitchen makes it appear warm and bright, but upon closer inspection,

you can see the charred remains of what was supposed to be the perfect home.

The family room chairs look plain enough, but under the cobwebs lies a story rarely told.

Happiness tried to break through the layers of mistrust, but humiliation and silence prevailed.

Music and learning were forbidden arts, but the magic of disappearing was one well known.

Cabbage Patch dolls lay petrified on the floor and

Barbie wears a real smile because she finally escaped the harsh reality of life

by jumping into the loving arms of suicide.

Up the twelve steps that turned sharply to the left into the softness of a little girl’s room.

Pink of roses and white of the noon time sun adorned the room of the beloved children.

Two double beds covered by rainbow spreads, identical, but really not the same.

One piled high with toys and fragrant with the smell of innocence. 

The other filled with secret fears and sleepless nights, near the window

where you can listen to the far away cry of the lonely mama owl.

Now, to the room darkest of all.  This is where the monster dwells in all his unveiled horror.

When the mother was gone, the monster and the children were always alone.  The young one was allowed escape and played without worry or care.  Once the little one was gone, it wouldn’t take long for the blood chilling call to come through the paper thin wall, “Come in here now.”

The walk was a short but tormented one.  The child would lie down beside the towering beast

and drift in her mind to the corner shadows of the room, where she could see it all in silence.

The house stands alone and deserted now with the lingering haunted spirits.

The child has moved to a far away place, out of the monster’s reach,

where she is surrounded by truth and light, trying to outlive the darkness.

© Jackie L. Lawrence

April 3, 1997

LETTER

Dear other survivors in my family,

I am so proud to know all of you and to know that in a huge way, you have all battled a monster masquerading as a man. 

You battled, and you survived.  It was not your fault.  You did not ask for it.  You did not deserve it.  You deserved to be treated with love and care, but all that was taken from you.

You are not alone in your pain and your struggle.  There are many of us.  I am actually not sure of the exact number but I do know it is far too high.  One child that endures abuse is too much.  We are many.  None of us asked to be in this family of violence and pain.  We were all initiated into a group in which we did not wish to belong.

We had good times too, but it is hard for me to remember any of them.  They feel tainted and I remember them as I do the abuse - as if it was happening to someone else.

We were different ages when the abuse began.  We are different genders.  We all thought it was our fault and we did something wrong for which we had to be punished.  That is one of the lies we were told..  We were told to be quiet and not tell.  It was like being fed poison, but we had no choice.

I remind survivors who are having a hard time and having lots of flashbacks not to hurt themselves and remember that the pain is in the past.  Writing this letter feels a little bit like it is still in the present.  When I revisit the pain, knowing that there is more bound up in each of you.  The tentacles of abuse are long and strong.  Sometimes it feels like they are wrapping around my neck.

But I am no longer in that little town.  I am no longer a child forced into silence.  In our own ways, we have all spoken out, even if i was only a small, strangled "yes."  Yes, it happened to me too.

I love you all and am honored to have you in my family.  I am glad you have found lives and loves and were able to say yes, me too.

I wish I could put your pictures here to show people the faces of other survivors.  I know some of you do not wish to be named and I would never betray your trust.  We have all been betrayed enough.

Be well and namaste. 

Jackie Lawrence Shaw

My life took an unexpected turn at the age of fourteen; my uncle raped me. For the next 11 years, my life became a living hell. My parents did nothing about the rape, they divorced, and I was sent to a boarding school.  I later married an alcoholic who was physically and emotionally abusive toward me. I then finally found the strength to divorce. Later, I found myself in another abusive relationship and while engaged he almost murdered my son.  That was my last straw –  abusing my child.  The cycle ended there.

I took these experiences and worked through them to reach the level of a true survivor. I became active in my community, which then led me to volunteering at a woman’s center with my son. I then started speaking at colleges, high schools, middle schools and church groups. I provide workshops at conferences and to several groups of “at risk” children throughout the area.

I proudly managed the Army of Angels who are people of every gender across all boundaries of race, religion, and political standing, and are committed to healing, awareness, strength and courage. They take action toward their own healing and are actively working toward leading joyful lives!

 I served victims of domestic and sexual violence and was known for emergency advocacy in the hospitals and police stations; I was called upon to speak at local colleges, universities, civic organizations and churches.  Additionally, I was the Violence Prevention Educator serving middle and high school aged youth to prevent violence in relationships, helping them build healthy relationships, and informing them where to turn for help.

 Nationally, I am on the Speakers Bureau for The Elite Speakers Bureau,and RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network).  My dedication is educating others to having healthy relationships.  My commitment is to explore all possibilities of prevention and awareness for victims, helping them find their way to becoming survivors, and leading a joyful life.

For two consecutive years, I was a cast member in The Vagina Monologues and was “given voice to experiences and feelings not previously exposed in public.  With humor and grace the piece celebrates women’s sexuality and strength. Through this play and the liberation of this one word, countless women throughout the world have taken control of their bodies and their lives”.

I am a former board member of the Women’s Resource Center, Radford, VA (2006); a recipient of the “Speaker of the Year” award from Women in Distress of Broward County, Florida, Speakers Bureau (2003-2004), and served on the executive committee for the Gorham PTA, Gorham, ME (1994-1996), amongst other organizations.  For almost twenty years I volunteered with non-profit organizations for the improvement of various communities.

Contact Info:

Website:  http://www.dianndiaz.wordpress.com

Q & A

1.  What is your favorite coping skill?

Quiet alone time; deep breathing, going for walks in our beautiful countryside, horseback riding, crafts, playing with my dogs, etc.

Once I recognize something within me is bothersome (which is key) I remove myself out of the situation.

2.  What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

 I have a few; the first step I made to healing was sending a letter to my family years ago regarding the abuse.  That was totally empowering!  It set the record straight in my words (not rumors from within the family).  Another wonderful piece of advice for me was to read as much about abuse and healing, from appropriate sources. It helped me understand from many angles.  My opinion, this has to be done at each individuals pace, as it can be triggering.

Also, talking about my abuse, becoming a speaker with my son, for me – was the best thing I did to being on the road to healing.  Did it open up wounds that I didn’t know existed?  Sure did; however, obviously those wounds were there to be healed.  I am a much better person now that they are healed.  The wounds are not still sitting underneath the skin becoming more infected.  The bandaids are off, the skin is exposed to fresh air, and can breathe once again!

3.  What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

“Just let it go.  Get over it.  It happened in the past, why can’t you just stop talking about it?”

Some individuals think if you don’t talk about it, not go to therapy, etc., your abuse won’t be in the forefront of your thinking and you can forget about it “quicker”.  I do not agree.

There were many years in my life that I did not go to counseling, or want to talk about my abuse to anyone; that did not make the abuse go away!  That did not make the triggers go away.  That only added years before my healing began.  Until I decided I wanted to heal for myself that is when it began.

What I have learned throughout the years, is many people do not know how to respond to individuals that have been abused.  Many will respond in the above manner, because that is what they feel is the “best” response.  Educating the community on how to respond to victims of abuse is so important.  You will also find many professionals who also do not know the proper way to respond to abuse victims/survivors. (doctors, nurses, advocates, police, fireman, attorneys, judges, etc.).   

Maybe some feel by saying ‘let it go” equals the hatred and anger victims hold on to.  The hatred and anger victims hold on to prevents one from healing.  

4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

Becoming assertive with unhealthy family members and/or friends

Learning how to have a Healthy Relationship

Forgiving Abusers

5.  Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

 I have hit many lows throughout my life.  These are being described in my upcoming book. 

What kept me going depended upon when those times were during my life. For instance when I was very young, I would take my horse and gallop far away and spend time at a nearby creek and enjoy the peace and quiet.  As a teen-ager, I would drive to the ocean, sit on the sand and listen to the waves.  When I got older, it seemed to get harder to have alone-time (as I got married very young and then had a child). However, what kept me going after the age of 21 was the birth of my son. It was the unconditional love of a child, having to care for someone I loved more than myself.  After my child was born, I was involved in such a horrible abusive relationship, that if it weren’t for the love of my child, I may have stayed in that relationship and not be around today to help others who have been abused.  My angel, my son, inspired me to break the cycle of violence which allowed me continue to live from day to day. 

6.  What does forgiveness mean to you?

Letting go of hatred in my heart for those that have caused pain. 

7.  When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

When I accepted the fact that I would not stay a “victim” to anyone anymore.  It had to be me, and only me, that could make that decision.  I had to learn what healthy relationships were, that I care about myself.  (That does not equal a selfish act) If I didn’t care about me, how could I care about anyone else?  If I didn’t have healthy relationships, how could I advocate for others?

8.  Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

If you ask for help and that individual doesn’t help you, ask for help elsewhere.  Never stop asking until you get the help you need.  Not everyone is capable of helping, or knows where to turn to for help.  There are many wonderful resources available.    

9.  If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind throughout the survivors healing process, what would that be?

 Thank you for believing your loved one.  Your patience is important for the survivor; you are definitely going to need it.  The survivor goes through various stages of healing.  Please listen and not try to fix every situation your loved one is going to face.  The survivor needs to face each situation themselves in order to heal.  Their own acceptance is key to healing.  If someone comes to their rescue each time they have a problem, the survivor will only learn enabling.  If you find it difficult supporting the survivor in your life, please reach out for support for yourself, as well.  There is definitely no shame attached; in fact, your loved one may love you that much more!

ART

Why did that happen?

The young girl traveled 1000 miles to visit with family

            She thought for some fun and games

What she found out was a part of her family was quite sick

            But not in a cough and sneeze sense, it was lame

Her uncle keeps giving her a look that makes her feel strange

            Like the look her brother gives his girlfriend

                        Why did that happen?

The distant family enjoyed a cookout and fireworks that 4^th of July

            And the children in the backyard could be heard laughing

But the young girl who traveled so far to have fun

            Was being touched by Uncle Bill when others could not see

                        Why did that happen?

The next day when others were at work and the Uncle was at home

            The young girl was playing pool downstairs and listening to music

The uncle came downstairs to play a game and spend some time with her

            But he wanted more than just to play a game of pool

                        Why did that happen?

Pushed aside were the poolsticks and the young girls arm was grabbed

            The uncle pulled the young girl up the stairway to his bedroom

His rifle was lying on the bed and he shoved the young girl next to it

            The uncle took the young girls childhood away from her in a flash

                        Why did that happen?

The young girl had to wait a week until she was to fly home

            The longest week of her life she thought…

She did not understand anything that happened to her

            She loved her uncle and did not comprehend the disgust

                        Why did that happen?

Once at the airport where the young girls father was awaiting her arrival

            The young girls eyes met her fathers and she dashed away

Into the restroom she hid and cried until there were no more tears

            Father and daughter drove two hours home without a word.

                        Why did that happen?

A few months later she was sent to a boarding school far from home

            Her parents had enough of trying to deal with her emotions

Fourteen years old and feeling unworthy and thrown away

            The young girl cried herself to sleep many a night dreaming of horses

                        Why did that happen?

The young girls mother knew of this odd behavior her uncle owned

            As he did the same things to all his daughters, Debbie, Terri, and Jeannine

But why, oh why did mom let her go so far away and be with that man, she thought?

            Did mother not love her, did she not think?

                        Why did this happen?

Three years later accepted to college during her senior year in high school

            The young lady felt brighter and lighter on the surface

She made friends, studied, and went to parties, took tests and completed her work

            The young lady seemed to be making progress in her life

                        Why did that happen?

Her last year in college she met a man too shortly in time turned into her husband

            He was fun, handsome, and made her laugh uncontrollably

Once she graduated from college they moved far, far away down south to live

            Where her new husband turned into someone else

                        Why did that happen?

They lived near the beach managing a hotel in Ft Lauderdale

            Wow, “this is the life”, the young lady thought to herself

Until the first black and blue, then the second, then the third

            “He said he was sorry each and every time, I know he loves me”

                        Why did that happen?

A year and a half of black and blues and sorry’s and I love you’s

            And don’t forget the flowers and the other gifts too

Being thrown against furniture, head smashed on dressers

            That was her breaking point and she picked up the phone

                        Why did that happen?

A baby is on its way, the young lady couldn’t be happier

            We have to make sure Daddy will have nothing to do with the child

He is not worthy, he is no good, he may hurt us both

He signed the papers over, without hesitation…we are free

            Why did this happen?

Her beautiful son is six weeks old and she is working hard at night

            One night her eyes met the man of her dreams

She poured him one cup of coffee after another and couldn’t keep her eyes off him

            He was an amazing sight and she felt a power over come her like never before

                        Why did this happen?

The couple dated for a few years and love had surely blossomed

            They were best friends, lovers and more

They had reached a point where the young lady decided to go her own way

            This was one of the hardest decisions she had to make, but thought it was the best

                        Why did this happen?

A year later the young lady met someone new and thought she was happy again

            He had kids and eventually everyone moved in together

A family, laughter, fun & games…she was on cloud nine, what could be better

            Until lightening struck her life once again

                        Why did that happen?

Yet another man who enjoyed the color of black and blue on women

            The look of the ability of the expansion of eyes & cheeks when pounded upon

Yet another man who says, “I’m sorry, I love you, this will never happen again”

            Until the next time…

                        Why did that happen?

The transformation of colors and swelling of body parts continued for two years

            She moved out once and moved back in

He asked her to marry him and she said YES because “he loves me”

            He is sorry, he does love me, he will change

                        Why did that happen?

The storm arrived one night in May when she was at dinner with Dad

            Her son was with “him” and when “he” got mad

He took her son and beat him so badly he bled, bruised, and worse…

            He even put her son in the bathtub and held his head under water

                        Why did that happen?

The powers that be took over in the mother and comforted her child

            They went to the police and reported the abuse

The man was arrested and thrown in jail, but they should have thrown away the key

            He was let out on bond just that next day

                        Why did that happen?

She moved out but was still in shock, trying to care for her son

            He was following her everywhere she went, nothing much anyone could do

A month went by but still nothing had changed, until she decided to make that change

            She took her son and moved far far away

                        Why did that happen?

The man she had met when her son was only an infant was still in her life as her friend

            They spoke on the phone, he was worried about them, and she was just a mess

She needed to press on with her life, she’s gone through enough

            You could hear the love over the phone lines, each yearning to be with the other

                        Why did that happen?

They continued corresponding, but it was the vacation that took place six years later

            They both finally admitted they still loved one another

The next year she moved back into the arms of the man that was meant to be with

            Now she and her son are home

                        Why did that happen?

Her son is in High School and has to provide community service to graduate

            How about volunteering at a Womens Center for the Abused together

Mother and son started vesting time in a project that would change their lives

            Mother was speaking at church’s and son at high schools about their past

                        Why did that happen?

They were both awarded, “Speakers of the Year” the first year together on the project

            Something you can’t put into words

How do you take something so horrible and make it into something so grand?

            There was a force much stronger than us pushing them forward

                        Why did that happen?

Husband and Wife now have grown children and time to move on

            Found a new home with beautiful land, trees and wild life

She found a Womens Center to continue her volunteer work

            She answered phones, spoke in public, helped assault victims

                        Why did that happen?

In the two years time she could feel the continual need to do more for the community

            Posted flyers, gathered donations, attended meetings

There has to be more awareness, more information, not everyone knows about us

            But where is the support, where is the money, where is the time

                        Why did that happen?

The phone call came to her one day asking her to be a part of the staff

            “Teach the children about Violence Prevention in the schools”

Her heart skipped a few beats and then flooded over with indescribable happiness

            What is this opportunity she has been given, how do you call it work?

                        Why did that happen?

Into the schools she speaks, to girls and boys from 6^th grade to 10^th

            Interesting conversations she has, both funny and sad

Healthy Communications, Boundaries, Sexual Assault, Dating violence

            The list goes on and on, the woman couldn’t be happier

                        Why did that happen?

************************************************************************

 The woman is not perfect, she is not the best at any one thing

            She even feels at times she wants to give up because of what she sees

The world is a horrible place at times but truly wants to help those in need

            She tries to overlook those who lift their eyebrows and wonder about her

She keeps in mind maybe those people are the ones really in need and gives them a smile

            Even though many have sent a lot of pain in her direction

She tries to keep her head high and take her strength into better paths of life

            People deserve happiness,

            People deserve hope,

            People deserve peace & harmony,

            People deserve love

            People deserve kindness

            Children deserve the chance to live all these things from the day they are born.

 And the next time you ask yourself, “Why did that happen”

Just look back at your life and maybe, just maybe, you can answer that for yourself

LETTER

To Whom It May Concern:

Anyone who has hurt me or will hurt me in the future; whether physically, sexually, or emotionally please take note. 

I was (thankfully) a strong child, which turned me into a strong woman.  I survived many things throughout my life.  I am proud to have survived.  I survived these events so I could provide assistance to others.

The pain you have caused in the past may have knocked me down for a short time, but know because of the faith in myself and my supporters; I have risen to a new and better me.

For anyone to cause pain to any individual there is usually manipulation involved.  How dare you!  Please seek assistance for yourself before you hurt one more individual.  There are too many wonderful survivors in this world doing great things, and do not deserve to be hurt again. 

Do not, and I repeat, do not use them, or anyone, as tools in your artwork to brush onto your canvas for your benefit.  Get in your van and leave everyone alone!

Most manipulators continue with their abuse with ease and may not even realize they are abusing if it is not physical pain they are inflicting.  Emotional pain (abuse) leaves scars.  To me, that is the worse kind.  Physical pain – the bruises and broken bones heal quickly.  Emotional scars can take years to heal.  Do you care?  Honestly, I hope with all the information that is available, and I’m sure you’ve been privy to it, take note – open your eyes, and realize what you have done.  And stop!

Survivors that are on their path to healing will see you for what you are.  We may soak you in for a short time because you are “good with the words”, manipulating (controlling), grooming, etc. as most abusers are.  But not for long – it doesn’t work that way. 

Survivors are learning – So be aware!

I was sexually assaulted by a youth group leader when I was two weeks shy of my twelve birthday.  Years later at the age of 19 I was sexually assaulted by a man I met in an online chat room.  This was before it was a publicized issue that there were predators online so I thought that it would be perfectly safe to meet him and hang out since we happened to live in the same city.  When I went to press charges it ended up being my word against his and my case, like so many others, never made it to trial.

The youth group leader who assaulted me when I was almost 12 told me that I had a beautiful smile.  That was something I could never get out of my head.  I stopped taking care of myself, especially my teeth.  As a result at the age of 25 I had to have 27 teeth removed, replacing them with complete upper and partial bottom dentures.  I struggled with abusive relationships, anxiety and panic attacks, low self esteem, self-mutilation, and anorexia nervosa.  

I went to four sessions of counseling when I was 14 years old but decided that it wasn't for me at the time because I wasn’t ready to deal with the issues that stemmed from the sexual assault.  The anxiety attacks eventually became unbearable and I finally sought help in 2006.  I was in therapy for 2 to 2 1/2 years and it took a lot of work for me to recover.

Contact Info:

Email Address:  flutteringdesigns@gmail.com

Home Page:  http://www.flutteringdesigns.ca

Q & A

1.  What is your favorite coping skill?

 My favorite coping skill is basic creativity.  Whether it be writing, listening to music, creating jewelry or creating videos, it’s what helps and what I enjoy the most.

2.  What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

 It was indirect advice I saw in the documentary, "Searching for Angela Shelton".  Angela Shelton's older brother, an incest survivor, stated, "Bad things may have happened to you, but it's your decision how the rest of the story goes.  It really resonated with me and empowered me to regain control of my life and reshape it into what I wanted it to be.

3.  What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

 "Just let it go and get over it already".  It was as if this person thought I enjoyed constant panic attacks and being in continual crisis.

4.  What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

1.   Anxiety

2.   Self-esteem issues

3.   Self abuse

5.  Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

 Yes, more than once.  My support system kept me going - family and friends.

6.  What does forgiveness mean to you?

 I know I've forgiven when I can talk about the situation and not feel intense emotion or rage toward the other person or myself.

7.  When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

There were times that, in hindsight, I feel now lucky to be alive.  There was never a light bulb moment.  It was very much a process.

8.  Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

 It’s a hard, tough journey but if you're kind to yourself and understand that these feelings are only temporary you will prevail.  And I love you.

9.  If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind throughout the survivors healing process, what would that be?

 I think that a lot of times you get really frustrated and impatient with people who are healing. You can help but it’s up to your loved one to do the work to get better.  You unfortunately can't heal them yourself. Be kind and patient toward your loved one and yourself.  Above all else, do not blame yourself.

ART



“Fluttering Designs” jewelry combines structure and design with magic and whimsy.  I use a combination of sacred gemstones and crystals, glass, seed beads, and other materials to create one-of-a-kind necklaces, earrings, and bracelets.  Inspired by the amazing Angela Shelton's Army of Angels, a portion of each sale will be donated to the Angela Shelton Foundation.  The purpose of the Angela Shelton Foundation is to inspire and empower all survivors of abuse to heal and lead joyful lives.

Namaste NecklaceSilver Angel Earrings

Silver Heart and Garnet Chip Necklace

Fire Heart Necklace

Calming Shores Necklace

LETTER

To the Army of Angels:

You are the most supportive and inspirational group of people I have ever had the honor of knowing. My life is so much richer because you're all in it! I cannot wait to meet you all in October!!! I LOVE YOU *SQUISH* 

To all of my friends and family:

Your love, your support, your encouragement, your inspiration, your help when I needed it the most...I love love love love you so much and I AM SO BLESSED to have such amazing, loving and supportive friends and family. Words cannot express how much you all mean to me.

To Angela Shelton:

Thank you for showing me the path. Thank you for reminding me of my voice and for setting the perfect example of how to use it for good. You are a Goddess, an Angel, a MASSIVE inspiration to SO many survivors around the globe and I am blessed and honored to call you a friend. Thank you.

This year the Tenderness Tour celebrates its 20th anniversary and, for the final time, Richard will do a long-distance tour across the state of Indiana beginning next month.  Richard is currently enjoying preparing for this last tour taking place from October 7th through October 16th.  

The Tour Itinerary

October 7th

Kick-off concert at Coffee Grounds in Terre Haute, IN featuring the band Blue News. Richard will also work cooperatively with Council on Domestic Abuse during his stay.  

October 8th (the actual 20th anniversary of the Tenderness Tour) :

Terre Haute, IN to Brazil, IN

Public Vigil at Terre Haute City Hall, 9 am

Meeting with Mayor of Brazil, IN & City Leaders

October 9th

Brazil, IN to Greencastle, IN

Public Vigil at Brazil City Hall at 9 am

Meeting with Mayor of Greencastle and a special event with Putnam County Family Support Services.

October 10th

Public Vigil at Greencastle City Hall, 9 am

Greencastle, IN to Danville, IN Concert announcement pending to benefit Sheltering Wings. 

October 11th

Danville, IN to Avon, IN

Public Vigil at Danville Town Hall, 9 am

A free concert will be held at Avon Christian Church featuring Dean Phelps & Patchwork from 4:00-5:30 pm. A love offering will be accepted to benefit Sheltering Wings.

October 12th

Avon, IN to Indianapolis, IN

Public Vigil at Avon Town Hall, 9 am

Columbus Day...a holiday. Join me! Special event in Noblesville, Indiana for Prevail, Inc. with musical appearance by Patchwork.

October 13th

Indianapolis, IN to Greenfield, IN

Public Vigil at Sylvia Likens Memorial in Willard Park, 9 am

Concert announcement is pending.

October 14th

Greenfield, IN to Knightstown, IN

Public Vigil at Greenfield City Hall, 9 am
Outreach Event Announcement Pending.  

October 15th

Knightstown, IN to Cambridge City
Public Vigil at Knightstown Town Hall, 9 am

October 16th

Cambridge City, IN to Richmond, IN
Public Vigil at Cambridge City Town Hall, 9 am

Reception at Bethany Theological Seminary, 615 National Road West in Richmond, Indiana.

October 18th

time to be announced

Closing Celebration at Earth House in Indy. Richard will be preaching at Lockerbie Central United Methodist Church immediately followed by the concert/celebration!

A Day of Prayer for Children

It has always been one of Richard’s primary goals to reach out to churches across every spiritual path & denomination in an effort to encourage churches, pastors and other church leaders to take a more active role in advocating for children through the intentional creation of child friendly and safe congregations that work to eliminate child abuse, domestic violence and sexual violence from the congregational setting.

As part of his final Tenderness Tour, he's asking churches, organizations and individuals to join him in honoring our children by declaring Sunday, October 11th as "A Day of Prayer For Children" in your family, your church, your community and around the world.

This interfaith effort carries with it no tangible burdens, no costs... merely a willingness to devote a moment of silence or a special prayer in memory and celebration of our children during a church service or simply as part of your day on Sunday, October 11th while he’s out on the road wheeling from Danville to Avon, Indiana in preparation for that evening's music event at Avon Christian Church.

While Richard is only wheeling across the State of Indiana on this final Tenderness Tour, he encourages churches, organizations and individuals from around the world to join in this very special effort!

All participating churches, artists, organizations and anyone else who would like to participate will be listed on the Tenderness Tour website's "Day of Prayer" page! Richard has also made the commitment that he will stop and seek to pray at every church he passes while on this year’s Tenderness Tour. Please e-mail/message Richard to let him know if you, your church or ministry would like to join him during the October 11^th Day of Prayer for Children!

CD:  Give a Girl A Chance

In celebration of the Tenderness Tour's 20th Anniversary, Richard has released the Tenderness Tour's 1st ever musical compilation, "Give a Girl a Chance," with ALL profits benefiting the 20th Anniversary Tenderness Tour and its three beneficiary organizations. With 19 tracks from 19 artists across a wide array of genres, "Give a Girl a Chance" is a celebration of 20 years of peace and love, hope and healing planted during the Tenderness Tour’s 20-year history. Participating artists include such nationally acclaimed artists as Jennie DeVoe, Carrie Newcomer, Krista Detor, Henry Lee Summer, Carl Storie and others. Please contribute to this cause and order this cd at http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/tendernesstour.

It can also be ordered at reduced rate through the Tenderness Tour website at www.tendernesstour.com.

For more information on the 20^th Anniversary Tenderness Tour or to volunteer or donate, simply visit the Tenderness Tour website or add Richard on Facebook at http://facebook.com/richardpropes. You can also follow Richard on the road by adding him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/tendernesstour.

As you can probably tell, the Survivor Archives Project has been on hiatus for the past year.  Apparently when you move across the country, start going to school full-time, working part time, volunteering for the Army of Angels part-time, and starting a new relationship - all over the span of one year - things you did before fall by the wayside as you try to adjust to all the other new stuff. 

Now that I've finally readjusted to everything I want to put a few hours a week into the Survivor Archives once again.  And, as you can tell, to make up for lost time, I've made some changes to our website.  Yay!

CHANGES

New Layout
Isn't it pretty?  I think so!  But if there are any changes or additions you think I should make I'm always open to constructive criticism.

Survivor Library
I've added a new section to our site.  It consists of pages listing suggested reading (including books written by past featured survivors!).  When one can't afford therapy, there are workbooks that can help.  There are also stories that have been written into book-form by survivors which testify to the fact that you can heal and lead a joyful life.  I've read many and have found them each to be enlightening, inspiring, and empowering.  

Updated Resources
I put a lot of time into organizing and adding many new links into our Resources & Support page.  Our resources page is linked via Help4Trauma.org, a site I started back in '04.  This allows me to update both sites at the same time with new sources of support for survivors of trauma.  This is practical, not lazy.  ;) 

Featured Survivor Updates
Over the next few months I'll be posting updates on survivors who've been featured in the past.

New Survivor Journal Article
I've added a new research article into the Survivor Journal.  It's from a project I did on the effects of adverse childhood experiences.  I wondered about what, if any, long term health problems found in adult survivors of childhood trauma.  Check out my findings, I think you'll be amazed at the results.  I know I was. 

2009-2010 Schedule
There will always be new links, articles, and books to check into.  I'll add those quarterly.  I'm going to do my very best to have a new featured survivor for everyone to check out also on a quarterly basis.  However, this part I don't have complete control over.  This site is not just mine.  It also depends on the sharing of others through the option of being featured.  So survivors who've healed, keep sharing how you've done it with those needing hope through the Survivor Archives.  I'll keep posting your archives quarterly.  The schedule for the coming year is as follows...

WINTER
Monday, December 28th, 2009

SPRING
Monday, March 15th, 2010

SUMMER
Monday, June 14th, 2010

FALL
Monday, Sept 27, 2010
 **4 Year anniversary edition celebrating past featured survivors

Help Needed
Unfortunately I don't have as much time to keep up with requests, comments, and questions.  I need volunteers to help me out with this.  I need help keeping up the Survivor Archive myspace and facebook page, as well as with requests for being featured.  There are lot of people to keep track of who've contacted me at some point in time.  In the past I've tried to remind them that they'd requested to be featured and how is their submission for going?  This year, not so much, and I don't see that changing any time soon.  I need volunteers to help me out with this.  Please contact me at joanna@survivorarchivesproject.com if you're interested in helping out.

Spread the word!
Spread the word about this project!  Contact me and I'll send you pre-made bulletins you can use to post on blogs, as Myspace bulletins, as emails, etc.    Link to us, blog about us, tweet about us! 

~ Joanna Stoane

"Remember that you're never alone and to never give up."

Through art, poetry, literature, and music each of them spoke out, standing as human examples of what it means to face life's struggles head on, refusing to be beaten by them.

For this month, and for each future yearly anniversary (for as long as I can keep this project going) I've chosen to go back through the past years.  You're invited to read through the past year's archives, in honor of those who've stood up and made themselves heard. Please leave your thoughts and comments. Each featured survivor worked hard in putting some very painful and difficult experiences into words to both help themselves and to reach out to others.

2006 - 2007
Stephanie Boisvert  **NEWLY UPDATED**

Katie Mac

Jennifer Breault

Melissa Mooney

Jennifer C.

Jennifer K.

Chong N. Kim

Yvonne Goss

Richard Propes  **NEWLY UPDATED**

Amber Lisa

Kylee Jones

Phyllis Benton

Karen Marrolli

Eshanya Walls

Eden R.

Stephanie Gagos

Christine Sandor **NEWLY UPDATED**

2007 - 2008

Mary Moon

For This Year 
The Survivor Archives will continue to be posted on a quarterly basis through out the next year.

Posting is scheduled as follows for 2008 - 2009:

Winter 2008
December 22nd

Spring 2009
March 20th

Summer 2009
June 20th

Fall 2009
**3 Year anniversary edition


There can be more than one survivor featured quarterly.  Posting on a quarterly basis simply makes it more manageable for myself in being able to keep up with this project. As always, if you have any questions please email me at joanna@survivorarchivesproject.com.


Thank You & Hope Sent,

~ Joanna M. Doane
   Co-Creator


--
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." ~ Helen Keller


The Survivor Archives
URL:    www.survivorarchivesproject.com
Email:  joanna@survivorarchivesproject.cm

Personal Contact Info
Email:        ajoannas@gmail.com
Voicemail:  (602) 297-6545

My name is Mary Moon and I'm the Author of 'The Last Miracle Mile.'  I'm a woman who has overcome the hardships in her life, who wishes to share my personal truths with others who are struggling in their lives.  I've been married to the same wonderful man for thirty eight years, and I have four adult children.  I also have eight grandchildren, some of them grafted into my heart.

I’ve lived in 17 states and a foreign country but have recently moved to Knoxville, Tennessee.   I’m delighted to say that I’m a newly released Author who considers Tennessee to be her home.  Home is where the heart is!

I’m a sensitive, tender hearted, compassionate woman.  I’m a fun loving woman who is kind, caring, thoughtful and generous.  I’m enthusiastic, dependable, and competitive from the word go!  I’m a woman who’s warm and friendly, genuine and real.  I’m tough, I’m rough, I’m smart, and I have a great sense of humor.  I’m courageous because I dared to grow and change, and that makes me courageous!

I’m a born communicator, and in the interim of being an empty nester, and a Realtor I decided to take my communication skills and my talent to write, and put both of them to use for the welfare of myself and others.  The story about my life was birthed out of my love to help others.

I’ve always believed the key to success in anything is to give it your all.  This is my personal credo!  My enthusiasm is easy to spot, because I love what I do; which is helping others.  I believe that if you’ve been given knowledge that can help others then you should share your knowledge with them, especially if what you’re sharing can bring them to a place where their life can have more meaning, and can bring them a greater satisfaction within their life.  I used my talents for the good of others by writing my personal story, and in so doing I finally found the courage to speak my hearts voice in the hopes of helping my family and friends, as well as the whole of mankind.

Email:          mgood67@hotmail.com

Homepage:  www.myspace.com/thelastmiraclemile
 

Q & A

1. What is your favorite coping skill?

To be a positive thinker.  What you think so shall you feel.

2. What was the best piece of healing advice you ever received?

To write about my stuffed pain and hurt from my past and give my stuffed feelings the expression they deserve by writing them to paper.

3. What was the worst piece of healing advice you ever received?

I was actually told by a therapist to ignore my past draw a line and get on with my life.  What was she thinking!

4. What were the three hardest obstacles to overcome?

 Fear, anger and accepting the truth about myself.

5. Have you ever hit "rock bottom"? What kept you going?

Yes I’ve hit rock bottom and what kept me going was HOPE.

6. What does forgiveness mean to you?

Forgiveness to me is to let go.  Below is a quote I once read and acquaint with forgiveness:  
To let go is not to forget, not think about or ignore.   Letting go doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret.  Letting go isn’t winning and it isn’t loosing.  It’s not about pride and it’s not how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past.  Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts and it doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt or sadness.  

It’s not giving in or giving up.  Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat.  To let go is to cherish memories, to overcome and move on.  It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future.  Letting go is accepting, learning, experiencing and growing.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry and made you grow.  It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.

Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving.   Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that sometimes the heart can be the most potent remedy.  To let go is to open a door and clear a path and to set yourself free.  To let go is forgiveness! 
 

7. When did you know that everything was going to be okay -- that you were going to make it?

I knew everything was going to be okay when I listened to my heart telling me to step out into the journey home to my hearts voice and follow its lead.

8. Is there anything that you would like to say to someone just beginning their journey?

Take heed and follow your heart.  Turn to love of self first for it is the way home to your heart.  Love and nurture the child within and parent yourself.  Be the loving parent to your inner child who was neglected and ignored.  Follow your instinct and your gut and tune your hearts radio frequency in and follow its beat.

9. If there was one piece of advice you would give, or one thing you would want the significant other, best friend, etc. of a survivor to keep in mind through out the survivors healing process, what would that be?

What I would want other survivors to know and always keep in mind is that they’re not alone; that there are countless other survivors traveling the same road.

LITERATURE & PHOTOGRAPHY 

BOOK

The Last Miracle Mile by Mary Moon
ISBN # 1-4241-1714-3

PHOTOGRAPHY

Click Photo Above to See Photography

Photography also ministered to me and was a healing force for me. I have photos that I personally took that were a way for me to express myself.  The pictures were taken during the last miracle mile of my journey home to my hearts voice, and they speak volumes’ to me spiritually, and they also will to others. 

LETTER 

To The Traumatized In Denial:

I was eight years old when my childhood trauma plunged its way into my life.  How old were you when the pivotal event happened to you that brought you such excruciating pain that the pain of the event caused you to fall apart, and wish you were dead?  God, that horrid event was more than a small ouch, so wake yourself from slumbering about the event that occurred in your childhood bad start that brought to you such great pain, and admit the offense it brought to your heart.  For goodness sake wake up, can’t you see this is true?  This is what has happened to you, and is the reason you feel miserable, empty and lonely.

Down you went, what a fall.  You took your broken heart and ran away, disassociating yourself from the pain that it brought while minimizing the event that caused that pain.  Can’t you feel the pain even now as I speak?  I was so crushed of soul and heart when my trauma occurred, that I thought I was going to die.

At the age of thirty five I took the time to write about my feelings from my childhood trauma pain, and I expressed the great pain of what happened to me.  I diligently worked at journaling the pain away about my childhood trauma.  It was very difficult getting my painful feelings out, but I did the work it took for me to get out of me how the trauma that occurred in my childhood bad start had made me feel.  Only, without knowing that I was to continue to sweep my heart clean when pain was felt, I returned back to my same old pattern of dealing with pain as I continued to stuff pain into my heart and minimize the events that brought offense to me.

But at thirty five, when I expunged my pain, I cussed and screamed and called foul names the person who traumatized my name.  As I wrote about the pain of my trauma, I told the person who caused me my great hurt that I hated their guts.  The pain I felt from my childhood trauma hurt like a son of a bitch, and at the time that person who brought the pain was a son of a bitch, in my opinion, as I called him the foulest of names that I could think of for hurting me so badly as I spilled my guts out in my writings and acknowledged my pain I felt he had brought.  I let him have it in my writings as I wrote and dispersed all the pain out of me of the event that traumatized me, and I spoke to him about the pain he had brought to my heart.  I expressed all my pent up feelings and thoughts, and in so doing, I let go of the pain that I had stuffed within my heart never allowing to come back out.

I had to revisit the pain that the trauma brought.  I had to finally give that painful event the acknowledgment and the expression it deserved.  I had to let my pain back out of my heart where I had stuffed it while trying to forget that horrid event.  I had held onto that trauma far too long, and my heart was killing me because it was in such pain by the time I finally took pen in hand and puked that pain back out.  I took pen in hand and allowed myself to revisit the event that caused me the anguish that I had felt, and I wrote and expressed my anger, my hate, my fury and my pain, as I cried and wailed and shook my fists in the air.  I let the person who traumatized me know exactly what he did to me, and how that made me feel.  I expressed what I wish I could have spoken at the time of the horrid event.

I had held onto these feelings for almost three decades by the time I finally couldn’t stand the pain in my heart any longer.  I had held the pain of that event deep within my heart, in silence, for the whole of my life while never allowing it a way to come back out.  It became time to clean house in my heart because my heart was too full of pain, and the pain had become too unbearable for me to endure any longer so, I did what I needed to do in order to get my hearts pain out of me as I spoke to whom my pain belonged.  Then I addressed more pain from others in my childhood past whom I felt had also hurt my heart.  I wrote to all the people from my past that I felt had brought pain and hurt my way.

I wrote of the pain that I felt that my Grandfather, Mother, Father, brothers, sisters, girlfriends, teachers, classmates and childhood crushes had given to me as I was growing up.  I spoke to each of them of the pain that I felt they had given to my heart, as I expressed myself on paper, and I told each of them just what I was feeling as I addressed what I felt they had done that had hurt me.  I got all the poison out that I had stuffed down in my heart. 

After I got the initial event out of me that traumatized me in the first place, it made me feel so much better that I ventured in and started writing about every painful childhood memory I had never given expression to, and I puked that pain out, as well.  I let all the pain out that was buried within my heart. 

It tasted like death as I revisited the pain from my childhood bad start.  The poison in my heart was sucked out of my heart by giving expression to the pain that I had stuffed down, that I had never given expression to before that point in time.  I let the pain out through expression of what that made me feel, while preparing my heart for love to come back in.  Expressing my held onto pain was like the preparation to a bone marrow transplant, only it was a heart transplant.  I did this so love could replace my pain.

But then I returned to my old habit of stuffing pain without realizing I was to continue to do the work it takes to express pain when felt, so love still wasn’t able to take hold within my heart.  But I did at least realize that I had to release my held onto pain so that my transplant could take place.  It couldn’t take hold; I didn’t allow for it to take hold, because instead, I continued in my habitual pattern to stuff pain, and I participated in this habitual habit, once again, for the rest of my life.

 In order to find true loves start you have to puke all your held onto pain back out, all of it not just some.  You have to puke it all out so that your heart transplant has the ability to take hold, and then continue to do so as hurtful events take place in your life, which I failed to do the first time around this mountain.

  It will taste like death to revisit your pain, but do it anyway.  Spit out your words of expression about the pain of your childhood trauma, and go through the pain of the event that traumatized you.  You have to revisit the pain of your childhood trauma that you’ve never given expression to before now, in order to get the horrible hurt which broke your heart and shattered you out into the light of day so you can heal from your childhood bad start. 

Once you’ve dealt with the pain from your childhood trauma then start writing about every single painful event that hurt you in your past.  Give thought about the people that you feel have hurt you from your past.  Speak to them on paper and give a voice to your held onto pain, and tell that person how what they said or did made you feel.  Speak your grudges and resentments held, and get them out of you.  Cuss and scream your guts out if you have to.  Cry and wail and stomp and shout, as you get it all out.  Do what it takes to get the pain out that you’ve been holding onto for your entire life. 

First, write about the one event that traumatized you, and then write about every event that brought you pain from your past to present date.  Speak to all the people you feel have hurt you.  As you give expression to that held onto pain and write about it, telling them how what they did made you feel, you’ll release the pain that you’ve held far too long and it will make you feel much better.  You’ve held this enormous pain from all the hurts of your childhood past for as long as you dare, as best you could, for your whole of your life, but it’s time to let it out.  It’s time to let go of the pain that you feel anyone from your past has given to you.  Then throw your writings away and let that pain fly.

Cry, scream, shout, rant, rave, cuss and feel the pain as you revisit that pain.  Your voice will have wings as you write the trauma of that one event that was yours that traumatized you.  Then when you’ve puked the initial trauma that murdered you and shut you down in the first place, you can write about all the other events that have hurt your heart.  Write about all the pain from every person or event that hurt your heart along your life path to present date.  Get all of the pain out, all of it.  It’s a heart transplant that you’re undergoing, and its part of the transplant procedure, it’s you’re part to play in the healing of your heart.  Do this so there will be room in your heart for the light of love to come back in.

A child’s only skill for coping from a trauma is to run deep inside themselves.  A child has no skills for that kind of a situation so you did just that.  After your trauma occurred each one of you ran and hid deep within yourself.  You were trying to survive, but each of you has lost yourself inside your pain never allowing that pain to come back out again.  Instead you developed and established, for yourself, a pattern to stuff pain and minimize the event.

You were forced to blame the one who you felt caused such great pain to your heart as you held onto the pain they gave you.  Yes, your heart blamed them for causing you such pain.  The thing that happened to you that shut you down did happen to you and it hurt like hell, of course you blamed the one who you felt had given you such excruciating pain and hurt.

Wake up.  Wake the hell up and remember the pain it brought.  Get out of your rivers of denial about being traumatized as a child and stop denying the condition your heart is in.  Get your head out of the sand and run like hell out of your rivers of denial about the true condition of your heart.  Run for your life and come back home to yourself, you’re delirious. 

You’re all walking around in an illusion, so wake the hell up.  Wake up to the truth of what I speak.  Something very harsh happened to you that caused you to run, hide and desensitize yourself to the feeling of pain for the rest of your lives.  Own the truth of that, damn it.  This happened to you rather you like it or not.  Whatever happened to you caused you to run deep within yourself, and you’ve been hiding from the feeling of pain for the rest of your life. 

There was an event, with someone in your life, that was very important to you, and that person traumatized you and breeched your trust of the world.  The trauma that they gave to you murdered your heart.  You died from the pain it brought to your heart; it was more than your heart could ever bare.  You were innocent before this happened to you, and you and I both know that it hurt more than words could ever express, but you’ve become frozen in time as you shut your feelings off the moment the trauma occurred.  You numbed yourself to the feeling of pain as you minimized the event, and you’re still sitting there shut off, numb as hell, desensitized to the feeling of pain whenever it’s encountered again.  You were defeated by the pain the event brought your very soul so you ran deep within yourself trying to survive the pain of the event and it became your pattern for life, and that’s why you feel so empty, lonely and miserable all the time.

You’ve held onto the enormous pain of your childhood trauma all your life, haven’t you?  There was nowhere to go with such pain and hurt, was there?  Who was there for you that would see you through the trauma?  There was no one, right?  You were on your own and you were forced to keep that pain and hold it.  It became your possession; my, what a quandary for a small heart. 

What you did, instead, was say to yourself, “I’ll hold this pain and hurt and I’ll carry it for the offender, but I’ll blame them for hurting my heart.”  To blame them for the pain that you thought they brought your heart is a natural response for a child.  To blame the one, who you felt hurt you, is a completely normal response of a child’s heart.  You were a child at the time of your trauma so to think like a child is normal when you’re a child.  To have a child’s mentality about things that hurt you, as a child, is normal.  To rise up in blame for the one you felt had murdered your heart is a normal thing to do as a child.  As children, before the trauma of your life, you could actually feel all of your emotions.  You knew joy and happiness and now all you ever feel is hurt, angry, lonely, worried and fearful.

A child knows who’s at fault for the pain they’re feeling from a trauma that was brought, and they know exactly who gave them that pain.  A child would know who the person was that was at fault for giving them the pain that they were forced to endure in silence for the rest of their life.  Every child has a brain and eyes to see with, they know who perpetrated the trauma that murdered their heart.  It was experienced by them and they know who devastated their heart.  Of course, as a child, you blamed the one who brought you such pain.  That’s exactly what you did, and then you were forced to carry for them what happened to you because they wouldn’t or couldn’t be accountable for such a great offense being given to your heart.

You had to bargain with yourself to make such a decision to carry, for them, the pain for what you felt they did to you that crushed your heart.  You ran to your little mind and tried to reason how to handle the hurt and pain you had just been given.  That pain was a crushing pain and you had absolutely nowhere to go with your pain did you?  That horrible event handed you a pain that was so enormous that your heart broke.  That event absolutely shattered you.  Whatever breeched the love you had for the one who you felt brought you the pain, is the trauma that struck your heart.  Face the pain of your childhood trauma and admit to yourself that there was nowhere to go with that pain as you were forced to ask yourself, “What the hell do I do with such a great hurt?”

The catastrophic event that was yours to endure was done to you and felt as though it had been handed to you from left field, like out of nowhere.  You were cold cocked right up side your head with the event that traumatized you.  The person that traumatized you was very important to your trust of the world.  You may have been betrayed by a parent.  That would devastate a child because a parent is responsible for your very sustenance.

Maybe you were handed some sort of physical defect, such as a curved spine, that spoke a lie to you saying how deficient you are, and that was your trauma.  Maybe the deficiency of a curved spine is what traumatized you, as it appeared out of nowhere one day and suddenly devastated your life.  Whoever the person was or whatever the event was that traumatized you; you never expected the episode that was brought to your life.  It devastated your soul, but that’s where you got stuck. 

You’ve been stuck right in that very spot since your childhood trauma for the rest of your lives because from that moment on you continued to stuff every other pain that ever came your way, down inside.  A lifetime of this pattern of dealing with pain, in this fashion, is what has brought you into feeling desensitized to the feeling of pain, both given and received, and as an adult the only thing you feel now is numb and desensitized because you’ve used this pattern every time someone offends you.   

You feel like you’ve become a robot and a member of the walking dead, don’t you?  You feel like you’re on automatic pilot, don’t you?  You can’t feel anything but pain, worry, loneliness, fear and anger in your life, can you? 

It was from the point of your childhood trauma to this point in your life that you’ve felt numb, because you’ve taught yourself to stuff any other event that brought you an offense that you couldn’t bare, for the rest of your days.  Stuffing pain is what you taught yourself to do with pain, instead of giving your pain a voice, and you’ve stuffed every other painful event that ever came your way from that point forward to this. 

Whatever age you were when the event of your trauma took place between you and another that breeched your trust of the world, and was perpetrated upon your heart by that significant other, was when you dropped.  You took in that enormous pain that the event brought and you never let it back out.  You let pain come in to stay and have blamed another every time you felt they caused you an offense, since that moment in time. 

With every event that has caused you to feel offended since the time of your childhood trauma, you’ve repeated this pattern of sending blame out in front of you and have placed that blame squarely upon the other person who you feel caused you an offense, and you’ve done this procedure for the rest of your days every time an offense is brought to you, and now you’re completely desensitized to the feeling of pain.  You can’t even recognize the feeling of pain; you’re too numb from having never acknowledged any pain from any offenses given by another person throughout your lifetime. 

You died that day as you emotionally cut yourself off from the world; you shut yourself down so you couldn’t feel such pain again, right there on the spot.  You vowed no one would ever be allowed to hurt you that way ever again, and then you tried to hide yourself away behind such a stupid vow.

Own it and admit to yourself that you’re numb as hell.  You don’t feel vibrant and genuine with yourself.  You feel down all the time and incongruent with yourself, don’t you?  It’s time to get real about the condition of your heart, it’s more than time for you to admit to yourself that you feel broken up inside and are barely hanging on.  You feel incongruent with yourself and you feel defeated every day of your life.  You need to stop lying to yourself about how you feel, and you need to stop pretending that you’re okay.  Stop walking in an illusion.  You feel miserable all the time, and it’s time for you to get out of the river of denial about how you always feel.  It’s time for you to stop ignoring your feelings.

Blaming others for causing you an offense has become a habit and a pattern that you’ve taken on for life.  Blaming others for the way you feel has become your addiction.  You’re an addict to blaming others for how you think they make you feel, and you’re held captive to the cycle of verbal abuse because of this pattern that you’ve developed.  You keep reacting in your relationships because you’ve taught yourself to react when someone offends you and this reaction pattern began at your childhood trauma.  This pattern of stuffing pain and refusing to feel it, and reacting when offended by someone, has been going on for you all the days of your life, even to this day.

It’s more than time to journal about the pain from your childhood trauma and the pain from all the other events that hurt you.  The trauma and all the other events that hurt you, is buried deep down inside you even to this day.  You’ve developed, in yourself, a life-long pattern of blaming others for how you feel because all you know how to do is stuff pain and not feel it, and instead blame the one who makes you feel offended.  Now blaming is a beast you’ll need to tame.  You’ve walked in this pattern since the day you shut down and you have years of this behavior to tame and overcome.  The behavior pattern of stuffing the feeling of pain and refusing to acknowledge your pain is a habit that has become a beast in your life, like “King Kong,” and it’s going to be hard as hell to tame this beast you’ve created.

Can you see yourself in anything I’ve spoken?  Please tell me you’re hearing me and that you can understand the words I’m speaking.  Go back and read the definitions to cycling in verbal abuse and tell me you’re not participating in the cycle of verbal abuse in your interpersonal relationships.  It’s become a lifelong pattern of behavior in all of your interpersonal relationships to spin in the cycle of verbal abuse.  It was the style of communication that you were taught to use as a child.  If you would take the time to reflect on your life, you’d see that this is the way that you’ve related to others all your life.  You’ve blamed others for the way you think they make you feel all the days of your life.

To cycle in verbal abuse became the pattern of communication that was developed in us from our childhood starts.  This communication style was the only skill given to us to communicate with because it was the style of communication being taught in all of our households, and we all marched out into our life with the ability to cycle with each other in verbal abuse because it was taught to every one of us in every household on the face of the earth.  Like I said, we were all equipped in the art of cycling in verbal abuse with each other, from our family of origin. 

The end result was that the cycle of verbal abuse became the communication style in all of our interpersonal relationships.  We’ve all been structured together to fit.  Communicating in this fashion became the only verbal skill we took with us as we left each of our perspective homes.  We carried a bag full of misery out into the world as we left our homes because we had no choice but to adapt to the style of communication that was being taught to us.  We had to relate in the fashion that was being presented to us to be able to communicate with each other. 

Don’t we all sound like we’re always babbling among ourselves?  Hum?  Don’t we all sound like clanging symbols?  Hum?  Isn’t it hard to relate with one another without feeling tore apart when you try?  Haven’t we become a confounded people?  Hum?  Think about it, we sound like we’re babbling.  Hum?  We’re going in circles with each other every time we try to relate.

A childhood trauma has disabled you all the days of your natural life and you haven’t yet fully recovered from that trauma.  You now have a pattern of disassociating yourself from pain, and you’ve taught yourself to walk around numb and desensitized to the feeling of pain, both given and received.

My name is Pam Swider. Growing up, I was always the good girl. I made the safe choices, the "right" choices. I rarely drank, didn’t do drugs, didn’t sleep around, and didn’t do anything that people think someone does to "get themselves into that kind of trouble." The trouble I am referring to is being sexually assaulted. I am the last woman that people think of when they think of someone who was raped. I was 24 years old and a virgin when I was raped by a man I met at a bar while out with one of my friends. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I had had one beer to drink all night. It is believed I was drugged that night, especially considering I blocked the event out for over year after it happened. Now that I have worked through the healing process, it really shows how those who claim that "she deserved it" or "the victim is partly to blame" just really are so wrong. No one deserves to be raped.

It has been a long road to recovery. I have been to several therapists, and each played an integral role in my healing. They helped point me in the direction I needed to be in to do the work of picking up the pieces and putting myself back together.

I met and married a man who, because of his own traumas growing up, recognized my pain and gave me a shoulder to lean on when others couldn’t. Our marriage did not work out long term, though, for various reasons. One of those, I believe, is that as I healed, I did not need him like I did when we first met.

Now, I can call myself a survivor. I am married to a wonderful man who supports me and is there for me in ways no one has ever been. But he also recognizes how strong I am and lets me grow on my own. Together we started Women for Hope, a website that provides information about women-related issues. It has a shopping area where products made by women owned companies are featured and 10% of the proceeds are giving to charity. We make the awareness jewelry on the site ourselves. It is so cathartic for me to work on it, the sexual assault awareness bracelets especially. It is my mission to break the silence and let those out there in pain know that they are not alone in their struggles and pain.
 

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