Sunday
Oct072007
Ashley's Story
Sunday, October 7, 2007 at 8:49PM 
" It was National Crime Victims Week, and this is Ashley's story. What if it was you? Your sister? Or Mother? Would you know? Do you know? Even if it is not, it clearly is time to take action against this type of evil behavior, and to protect those in need, before, during and after violence strikes. Don't think it's not your problem. That's what the "terrorists" want. If this story can help anyone you know, pass it on." Ashley's Contact Info:
Website: http://pathfinder.weebly.com
Homepage: http://www.myspace.com/doitafraid
Ashley's Story
***********
***********
I hid out for the first six years, then I began speaking out.
When your partner is "the law" it's a lot harder escaping the hell you call home.
My goal for this year is to make awareness of Domestic Violence (DV) widely known, to point those in need to the help available, and to eventually eradicate DV.
Some things to consider:
When is it okay to be hit & and to be cursed at by your ________________? (e.g. Spouse / Partner / Boy Friend / Friend)?
When I :
(A) Don't have the house cleaned.
(B) Don't have dinner ready.
(C) Don't have everything perfect!
(D) I've done something he doesn't like.
If any of you answered options above, you got it wrong. The correct answer is NEVER. It is NEVER okay!
DUCKS
Have you ever felt like you lived in a box? Everything is okay as long as ALL your ducks were in a row. BUT if a duck was missing, or you weren't sure you did everything you were supposed to do before he got home? You're racing around desperately trying to find the missing duck before he gets home.
My goal for this year is to make awareness of Domestic Violence (DV) widely known, to point those in need to the help available, and to eventually eradicate DV.
Some things to consider:
When is it okay to be hit & and to be cursed at by your ________________? (e.g. Spouse / Partner / Boy Friend / Friend)?
When I :
(A) Don't have the house cleaned.
(B) Don't have dinner ready.
(C) Don't have everything perfect!
(D) I've done something he doesn't like.
If any of you answered options above, you got it wrong. The correct answer is NEVER. It is NEVER okay!
DUCKS
Have you ever felt like you lived in a box? Everything is okay as long as ALL your ducks were in a row. BUT if a duck was missing, or you weren't sure you did everything you were supposed to do before he got home? You're racing around desperately trying to find the missing duck before he gets home.
Rushing everywhere to get back in time...
- Will he be in a good mood? (Duck #1)
- Did he have a good day at work today? (Duck #2)
- Did he stop for a drink or two, or three? Is he drunk? (Ducks #3 & #4)
- Did he lose his job again? (Last Duck)
WORDS
Have you ever said these words in a desperate attempt to calm him down?
- "What did I do wrong?"
- "How can I fix it?"
- "I didn't talk to that man!"
- "I didn't look at that man!"
- "I don't want anyone else!"
- "I Love you; You're all I ever want -- I Promise!"
OR
- "Please don't hurt me!"
- "Please don't say that to me!"
- "Please don't talk to me like that!"
- "Please don't kick me!"
- "Please don't do that again!"
- "Please don't leave me, I'll be the way you want me to be, I'll do what you want me to do, just Please don't hurt me anymore!"
Has this ever been you? It's been me. I've been in your shoes I KNOW what you are going through, what you have gone through… You could say I have my Master's Degree in that kind of pain, humiliation, and plain old fear.
The SIGNS
Warning signs, which I only knew too well. Why shouldn't I?
I was the peacemaker in my family. As the oldest of five, my Mom always told me to keep the peace at all costs. Once I grew up its not surprising that I did well as a volunteer Crisis Counselor for a local shelter - it was my job to be the person who could fix everything regardless of the pain, humiliation or anything I went through making the "peace" happen. Including learning to say "It was my fault" even when it wasn't. I COULD "FIX" EVERYTHING.
Except my own life. I stayed too long. WAY PAST ALL THE SIGNS…. and I got to witness and watch my own execution style hit.
I'm here to tell you what happened. How I struggled to survive so I could make a difference for FUTURE SURVIVORS of violent crimes related to Domestic Violence. If this story of Survival can help just one of you take the IMPORTANT STEP wouldn't that be awesome?
I'm here to tell you what happened. How I struggled to survive so I could make a difference for FUTURE SURVIVORS of violent crimes related to Domestic Violence. If this story of Survival can help just one of you take the IMPORTANT STEP wouldn't that be awesome?
**********
I pulled into my drive way after a long day at work. As I was getting out my car I felt the first blow to the back of my head. I came to as I was being dragged in my driveway. It was all like a slow motion horror movie. I could see the people and what they were doing, but I was unable to stop it. I watched them basically stage the crime that seemed planned so well. I saw my shoe being taken off and hung on the fence. I saw everything ... and when they came back towards me, I remember thinking that I hadn't told my parents' how much I loved them, and that now they would never know…
That's the last thing I remember. I woke up in a hospital three months later.
I knew without a doubt that my husband had planned the whole thing right down to the last detail. I couldn't prove it, because he was good at what he did. He had basically been training all his adult life. He was the law.
I immediately knew I had to get out. I put my safety plan into action!
I knew without a doubt that my husband had planned the whole thing right down to the last detail. I couldn't prove it, because he was good at what he did. He had basically been training all his adult life. He was the law.
I immediately knew I had to get out. I put my safety plan into action!
THE SAFETY PLAN
- Have a separate checking and/or savings account so that no one but you and the bank knows about.
- Establish Code Words with a trusted friend. Let me explain:
Your trusted friend calls you & things are not fine. You have some sentences to say to them that your abuser is NOT AWARE of! This can be the difference between life and death.
Mine was: "I'm cleaning out the refrigerator!"
Others could be "I'm fixing a Turkey sandwich; I'm changing my socks."..." The purple ones?", your friend asks. You answer, "Yes".
Your friend then knows that your abuser is in your home and is then able to call and get Law Enforcement over to your place! - Leave a PAPER TRAIL
- Establish a safe place that NO ONE knows about where you can go.
- Don't keep the same magazines. Forward them to NURSING HOMES all over the STATE
- Close your VIDEO Accounts. Don't ever transfer these accounts, because you can be found this way.
- Never order home delivery for food or anything because your name and phone number will be in someone's database and all your abuser has to do is go to the town where he thinks you are. Then go into all take out & delivery places and show them your picture. He can say anything he wants to find you.
- NEVER LEAVE A FORWARDING ADDRESS!
When to Leave IMMEDIATELY!
- A Gun in your mouth?
- A Gun at your throat!
- A Gun against your head is never a joke...your LIFE is in DANGER. Yes, your marriage vows stated, "Until death do us part", but it's not your husbands place to "Do us part". Its time to GET OUT!
This is what I DID:
After the last attack I left my family, including my teenage daughter behind. I went to a State that had a town not on the internet yet, had my name legally changed, and found out that a program exists that gives survivors of domestic violence & violent crimes new identities. And while doing this I discovered I was pregnant. Not ever wanting to know anything about the crime that was planned to end my life, I took this as a GIFT From God. When he was born & looked just like me I got my confirmation.
During the name change, the Judge involved with my case called me back into her chambers & congratulated me for being so brave. She decided to always allow survivors to use their initials when changing their names and to seal the cases so no one could find them. I certainly didn't feel brave then, but I do now!
I am so grateful & honored to have been asked to share my story at all the vigils for the Prevention of Domestic Violence & to be able to make a difference in the lives of future survivors of domestic violence by talking. Please don't let ANYONE hurt you verbally, emotionally and/or physically! If it feels wrong it probably is.
Was what I did easy? NO! I couldn't take my daughter, my college education, my degrees, my work history, I couldn't even take my Blockbuster video account with me.
Was what I did easy? NO! I couldn't take my daughter, my college education, my degrees, my work history, I couldn't even take my Blockbuster video account with me.
I COULD NEVER GO HOME AGAIN.
No weddings, no parties, no going home for the holidays, no funerals, no birthdays, no high school reunions. Not even my own daughter's graduation & future wedding: NOTHING that linked me to my family or my past!
I had been told in the hospital I couldn't get a new identity or even think about it, because of his Job. It would never benefit. He would always find me, and before I left town, he did. He'd find me through my credit cards, VIN number, or phone records. He would always know where I was. Even when I rented a car, he informed me he knew which card I had used to rent the car, what kind it was, what hotel I was at and the spot where the car was parked! I would come home & drawers would be left open, pictures rearranged on my walls, but the doors would always remain locked. It was as if I was CRAZY to think anything was different.
Any one who went on to eventually helped me had this happen to them too!
He let me know that, when I was in a coma on life support, I had been finger printed so that I could NEVER work in my profession or go anywhere without him finding me and/or knowing where I was. He said it didn't matter where I went - he would always be there.
I had been told in the hospital I couldn't get a new identity or even think about it, because of his Job. It would never benefit. He would always find me, and before I left town, he did. He'd find me through my credit cards, VIN number, or phone records. He would always know where I was. Even when I rented a car, he informed me he knew which card I had used to rent the car, what kind it was, what hotel I was at and the spot where the car was parked! I would come home & drawers would be left open, pictures rearranged on my walls, but the doors would always remain locked. It was as if I was CRAZY to think anything was different.
Any one who went on to eventually helped me had this happen to them too!
He let me know that, when I was in a coma on life support, I had been finger printed so that I could NEVER work in my profession or go anywhere without him finding me and/or knowing where I was. He said it didn't matter where I went - he would always be there.
This affected even my parents. When my Mom eventually got sick and I was attacked I knew it was time to take the drastic step that would change my life, as I knew it forever. That is when I put my Survival Plan into action! That was the day I lost my identity, as I knew it…
That was the day I died!
It took me four years not to turn when someone called my BIRTH Name. It took me longer not to duck & block my face when anyone reached their arm or hand above my head, which is embarrassing, but a 'fight-or-flight' reflex.
It took me four years not to turn when someone called my BIRTH Name. It took me longer not to duck & block my face when anyone reached their arm or hand above my head, which is embarrassing, but a 'fight-or-flight' reflex.
I have had to move over 50 times since 2000. In my state, the whole town where I live is covering up with all the times I've relocated. I had to walk away from my married daughter, (I don't get to see her or have a life with her, for her safety and well being). I also have a teen daughter and son. I have a birthday this week and it sickens me to realize that my children have not been able to see their mother much less talk to her all because someone would rather have gotten away with murder then simply granted a divorce!!!???
I am currently in the Address Confidentiality Program. Nineteen states have statutes authorizing address confidentiality programs. These programs are solely for survivors of domestic violence or sexual assault. The state entity running the program assigns a "dummy" address or an address at the state office. The entity then forwards my mail to the location of my choice. Most states with address confidentiality programs have created procedures to address court summonses, service of process, and other official mail. They also have provisions for confidentiality of the information, including voter registration. In most states, you can even vote by absentee ballot. Addresses are exempt from publication with state voter registry records.
I want everyone to know there is help available out there. The programs that helped me can help you. The local shelters have trained people there. Law Enforcement is trained to help you. There is HELP. I know that I know, if it hadn't been for the Grace of God, I would be dead now and no one would have EVER found me.
So, the first time you bet hit, punched, kicked, verbally abused, bitten, beaten, slapped, or shoved should be the last time. If you are afraid join the crowd. DO IT AFRAID! Do it for others, do it for YOURSELF! Act as if your life depends on it, because it does!
My prayers are for all of the survivors present, for the loved ones who have lost people to this crime, and to all the Law Enforcement Officers who deal with this day in & day out - consistently putting their lives in danger. Thank you!
By the way, once the fear has subsided and you are not looking over your shoulder as much anymore, there IS a feeling of NO FEAR. Not having to rush home and make sure everything is perfect. Its a great feeling and, to all you Future Survivors, I pray for your Safety & Courage each and every day.
Thank You,
Ashley
I am currently in the Address Confidentiality Program. Nineteen states have statutes authorizing address confidentiality programs. These programs are solely for survivors of domestic violence or sexual assault. The state entity running the program assigns a "dummy" address or an address at the state office. The entity then forwards my mail to the location of my choice. Most states with address confidentiality programs have created procedures to address court summonses, service of process, and other official mail. They also have provisions for confidentiality of the information, including voter registration. In most states, you can even vote by absentee ballot. Addresses are exempt from publication with state voter registry records.
I want everyone to know there is help available out there. The programs that helped me can help you. The local shelters have trained people there. Law Enforcement is trained to help you. There is HELP. I know that I know, if it hadn't been for the Grace of God, I would be dead now and no one would have EVER found me.
So, the first time you bet hit, punched, kicked, verbally abused, bitten, beaten, slapped, or shoved should be the last time. If you are afraid join the crowd. DO IT AFRAID! Do it for others, do it for YOURSELF! Act as if your life depends on it, because it does!
My prayers are for all of the survivors present, for the loved ones who have lost people to this crime, and to all the Law Enforcement Officers who deal with this day in & day out - consistently putting their lives in danger. Thank you!
By the way, once the fear has subsided and you are not looking over your shoulder as much anymore, there IS a feeling of NO FEAR. Not having to rush home and make sure everything is perfect. Its a great feeling and, to all you Future Survivors, I pray for your Safety & Courage each and every day.
Thank You,
Ashley
Resources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 (TDD)
- National Address Confidentiality Program States & Info: http://www.ncsl.org/programs/cyf/dvsurvive.htm (For more information on domestic violence issues, please contact Stephanie Walton in the Denver office at 303.364.7700 or cyf-info@ncsl.org or either Sheri Steisel or Lee Posey in the D.C. office at 202.624.5400 or fedhumserv-info@ncsl.org)
- The Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (Will automatically transfer you to the rape crisis center nearest you, anywhere in the nation. It can be used as a last resort if people cannot find a domestic violence shelter.)
- U.S. Department of Justice Violence Against Women Office: http://www.usdoj.gov/ovw/
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: Phone: 202-745-1211, TTY - (202) 745-2042, http://www.ncadv.org/
- Safe Horizon: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673), http://www.safehorizon.org/
- Faith Trust Institute: 206-634-1903, http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/
- National Network to End Domestic Violence: Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY), http://www.nnedv.org/
- Domestic Violence Resources: http://www.dvresources.org/
Reader Comments