INTRODUCTION

Adverse childhood experiences (ACE’s) can be defined as harmful or unfavorable conditions or events that act in contrast to what’s best and needed for a child’s healthy development. Common forms of adverse childhood experiences include abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction. For decades it’s been argued whether childhood conditioning or the genetic characteristics and predispositions we are born with have a greater impact on the people we become in adulthood. While it might be common sense to argue that genetics play a strong role research supports both sides of this argument. Further research into this matter has expanded the scope for what childhood conditioning has the capacity to affect, showing that not only do childhood experiences impact the adults whom children become but that they also strongly impact their future physical well-being, even many decades into their adulthoods. Two main pieces of evidence support this argument. By first exploring the physically damaging neurobiological changes that have been consistently found among adults who’ve had significant exposure to adverse childhood experiences it will be illustrated that “just getting over” childhood wounds may have less to do with will power and more to do with physical dynamics that lay beyond one’s immediate control. Secondly, by examining the data collected from on very important study the connection between a child’s level of exposure to adverse experiences and their increased likelihood for nicotine addiction, alcoholism, and drug use in adulthood is exhibited. It will be shown that these public health problems may be symptoms of a deeper problem that could be better solved through the prevention of child abuse and neglect, in turn decreasing the numerous health problems and diseases that are associated with smoking, excessive drinking, and drug use. In the end one thing is clear. As a society we cannot afford not to protect our nation’s children.

NEUROBIOLOGICAL CHANGES

Brain Structure
Through changes in brain structure and hormonal abnormalities found in adult survivors of childhood abuse and neglect exhibit consistent alterations in their neurobiological responses to stress. In reference to the changes found in brain structure Bruce McEwen PhD, Professor and Head of the Laboratory of Neuroendocrinology at Rockefeller University states, “The brain pays a very important price as a result of trauma.” (Bremner, 1997). McEwen, along with scores of other researchers around the world have published research all pointing to the negative impact that trauma has on the developing brain. For example, in one study performed by J. Douglas Bremner M.D. of the Yale University School of Medicine and colleagues adult survivors of abuse showed a 12 % reduction in the size of the left hippocampus in comparison to the volume of adults who had experienced no abuse in childhood(Bremner).

Hormone Output
The hippocampus is a portion of our brains responsible for the production of cortisol, otherwise known as the stress hormone, which we produce to regulate our body’s response to perceived threats. It’s important to note that high levels of cortisol are also often associated with decreased hippocampal volume such as that found in Bremner’s study. Taking this association into consideration, it’s not surprising then that early and sustained adverse experiences lead to hormonal abnormalities, especially in cortisol levels. One example of such cortisol level abnormalities was found by Frank W. Putnam, chief of developmental traumotology at the National Institute of Health. After following the stress responses of 77 sexually abused girls for more than a decade he found that that they released significantly higher levels of cortisol when a stress response was induced when compared to a control group of non-abused girls. Dr. Putnam explains, “As we followed all of the abused girls over time, they went from being hypercortisolemic – putting out to much cortisol – to being hypocortisolemic – putting out too little cortisol”(Center for Advancement of Health).

Both the resulting increased and decreased stress cortisol output found in adult survivors of childhood abuse and neglect strongly impacts their physical wellbeing. Unfortunately for the girls in Putnam’s study and for many exposed to high levels of stress during childhood, both too much and too little cortisol negatively affects the body’s health over time. Higher and more prolonged levels of cortisol such as those noted thus far have been shown to have negative effects such as lowered immunity and inflammatory responses in the body, slowed healing, and other health consequences(Ebrecht, Hextall and Kirtley). In the case of having too much cortisol Dr. Esther M. Sternberg at NIH’s National Institute of Mental Health explains, “If you’re pumping out too much cortisol and your immune cells are bathed in high levels of stress hormones, they’re going to be tuned down”(National Institute of Health). In the reverse situation it’s been found that a lack of cortisol is likewise associated with an increased vulnerability for auto-immune disorders, inflammation, chronic pain syndromes, allergies, and Asthma(Helm, Ehlert and Hanker). Therefore the physical health of an individual can be greatly impacted if their childhoods were marked by excessive stress, evident cases of abuse and neglect. In reference to these numerous health problems Dr. Robert Anda at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention points out, “Adverse childhood experiences substantially increase the number of prescriptions and classes of drugs used for as long as 7 to 8 decades after their occurrence. The increases in prescription drug use were largely mediated by documented Adverse childhood experience-related health and social problems” (Anda, 2008).

ADDICTION
Aside from these changes in brain structure and hormone output there is a second important finding to take into account. The connection between increased exposure to childhood adverse experiences and increased likelihood for nicotine addiction, alcoholism, and drug use in adulthood illustrates plausibility that childhood exposure, in itself, is the source of origin for substance abuse and addiction. The bulk of the research supporting this position has been gathered from a study that took place from 1995 to 1997. Seventeen thousand members of a U.S. Health Maintenance Organization (HMO) participated and the findings systematically disproved the common notion that time heals all wounds. Prior to examining the data from the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, also known as the ACE study, it is first necessary to understand the scoring method used in measuring each participant’s exposure to childhood adverse experiences.

Nine categories of ACE’s were divided into two main areas of experience which were then used to access each patient’s level of exposure. The first area examined was the history of personal abuse which included recurrent physical abuse, emotional abuse, contact sexual abuse, and neglect. The second area, household dysfunction, was divided into five categories: where an alcoholic or drug user was present in the home; where a household member was in prison; where someone was chronically depressed, mentally ill, or suicidal; where the mother was treated violently; and where the parents were separated, divorced, or in some way lost to the patient during childhood (Felitti, 2002). For every category of exposure patients had a point added to their ACE score resulting in a maximum score of 9 if exposed to all categories of adverse childhood experience and a minimum score of 0 for those that were exposed to none.

Nicotine Addiction

The prevalence of cigarette smoking found among participants with high ACE scores is astounding. Though, as will be shown, the likelihood for alcoholism and drug abuse is even more greatly impacted by exposure to adverse childhood experiences. For a participant who was exposed to 6 categories of childhood adverse experiences, in comparison with participates exposed to none, there was a 250% increase in the likelihood of their being a current smoker(Anda, Croft and Felitti). To illustrate the significance of smoking Vincent Felitti, founder of the ACE Study notes, “A participant exposed to 4 categories of adverse childhood experience was 390% more likely to have chronic obstructive pulmonary disease compared to those with no exposure”(Felitti).

Alcoholism
Secondly, the level of alcoholism commonly found among participants with high ACE scores was even more pervasive than that of cigarette addiction. Through regression analysis, using participant questionnaires, it was determined that each of the eight individual ACEs are associated with an increase in the risk for alcohol abuse in adulthood. For a participant who was exposed to 6 categories of childhood adverse experience, in comparison with a participant exposed to none, there is a 500% increase in adult alcoholism. Furthermore, compared to persons with no ACEs, the risk of heavy drinking, self-reported alcoholism, and marrying an alcoholic were increased two-fold to four-fold by the presence of multiple ACEs(Dube, Anda and Felitti). It’s important to note that this two-fold to four-fold increase was found regardless of parental alcoholism, indicating that this increase has more to do with childhood trauma than any genetic predisposition.

Drug Use

Thirdly, even more so than addiction to cigarettes and alcoholism, the initiation of drug use, drug use problems and drug addiction was greatly increased through exposure to childhood adverse experiences. As a result of ACE’s the attributable risk for each of these three illicit drug use problems was increased by 67% for an adult over 19 years of age(Dube, Felitti and Dong). Compared to participants with 0 ACEs, participants with 5 or more ACEs were 7- to 10-fold more likely to report illicit drug use problems and addiction to illicit drugs. For a male participant exposed to 6 categories in comparison to those exposed to none there was a 46-fold increase (4600%) in the likelihood of them becoming an injection drug user sometime later in life (Felitti, 2003). In reference to this increase in injection drug use Dr. Vincent J. Felitti asks:

Because no one shoots heroin to get endocarditis or AIDS, might heroin then be used for relief of profound anguish dating back to childhood experiences? Is drug abuse self-destructive, or is it a desperate attempt at self-healing, albeit at a significant future risk? This point is important because primary prevention is far more difficult than anticipated--possibly because incomplete understanding of the benefits of so-called health risk behaviors causes these behaviors to be viewed as irrational acts that have only negative consequences. (Felitti, 2003)

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, the effects of adverse childhood experiences transcend the more commonly perceived causes for the physical illnesses and diseases that we as a society fight to cure. Through combined research illustrating the bio-neurological alternations caused by early and prolonged adverse experiences and the epidemic of alcoholism, drug abuse, and addiction found in adults with high ACE scores, it’s clear that we cannot afford to continue to sweep child abuse and neglect under the rug. Recognition of the reduction in the quality of life associated with child maltreatment is paramount in order to evaluate the programs that have been put in place to prevent child abuse and neglect from an economic standpoint. Programs are needed that better address the underlying motivations of patients who continue to smoke despite health problems caused by smoking. Reducing society’s problems with drug and alcohol problems means bringing serious attention to these common types of damaging childhood experiences. Heightened awareness will not only reduce the occurrence of adult substance abuse problems but it will also reduce the higher health care costs they so often predict. Lastly, intervention is essential for children who’ve been victims of abuse and neglect. Not only in order to treat their symptoms but also to help them in building coping skills that will offset the problems with drug abuse and poor physical health that may otherwise await them.

Works Cited

Anda, Robert F. "Adverse Childhood Experiences and Prescription Drug Use in Cohort

Study of Adult HMO Patients." BMC Public Health (2008): 198.

Anda, Robert F., et al. "Adverse Childhood Experiences and Smoking During Adolescence

and Adulthood." JAMA (1999): 1646-1651.

Bremner, John Douglas. "Magnetic Resonance Imaging Based Measurement of

Hippocampal Value in Postraumatic Stress Disorder Related to Childhood Physical

and Sexual Abuse - A Preliminary Report." Biological Psychiatry (1997): 23-32.

Center for Advancement of Health. "Abused Stress Response." March 1999. Facts of Life:

Issue Briefings for Health Reporters. 3 March 2009

http://www.cfah.org/factsoflife/vol4no2.cfm.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. 1

April 2009 <http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/ACE/>.

Dube, Shanta R., et al. "Adverse childhood experiences and personal alcohol abuse as an

adult." Addictive Behaviors (2002): 713-725.

Ebrecht, Marcel, et al. "Perceived stress and cortisol levels predict speed of wound

healing in healthy male adults." Psychoneuroendocrinology (2004): 798-809.

Felitti, Vincent J. "Childhood Abuse, Neglect, and Household Dysfunction and the Risk of

Illicit Drug Use: The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study." Pediatrics (2003): 564-572.

Felitti, Vincent J. "Drug Use: The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study." Pediatrics

(2003): 547-559.

Felitti, Vincent J. "The Relation Between Adverse Chilhood Experiences and Adult Health:

Turning Gold Into Lead." 2002. The Permanente Journal. 3 March 2009

<http://xnet.kp.org/permanentejournal/winter02/goldtolead.html>.

Fink, George. Encyclopedia of Stress: A-D. San Diego, CA: Academic Press, 2000.

Helm, Christine, et al. "Abuse-Related Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and Alternations of

the Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal Axis in Women With Chronic Pelvic Pain."

Journal of Biobehavioral Medicine (1998): 309-318.

National Institute of Health.  "Stressed Out?: Stress Affects Both the Body and Mind."

January 2007. NIH News on Health. 4th March 2009

http://www.newsinhealth.nih.gov/2007/January/docs/01features_01.htm.

Where do I begin?

I grew up in an environment of alcoholism. This environment was filled with physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, anxiety and most importantly....denial. We weren't allowed to discuss what went on in our home. It was to be swept under the rug, like the dirty little secret it was. I can't count how many times we had to silently put the house back together while my dad slept it off on the couch. I guess it was simply easier to pretend it didn't happen. I guess not acknowledging it, meant we didn't have to deal with it. But we did have to deal with it and not discussing it didn't make it go away...it allowed it to continue.

I could start with the emotional issues domestic violence causes. Or the anxiety and panic attacks. The issues of trust and constantly being guarded. Always looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next bomb to drop. The effort to accept and forgive...at least enough to move on and live a normal daily life. I could start with the importance of breaking the cycle, so this doesn't move on to the next generation. Or the importance of releasing the anger and becoming a productive human being. These are all important topics that need to be addressed and I will try to include them all.

Or I could start with some of my own personal experiences. The constant physical fights. The yelling and screaming. The broken "things." Being picked up by the throat, while my mom stood by and did nothing. Watching my mom get shoved through a kitchen window by the hair, pulled back through, and pushed out the door onto the porch. Then being told by my dad that if we tried to let her in, he'd shoot us. I could talk about the small travel trailer that was pulled from place to place, sometimes with no running water and illegally wired electricity. Relocating was a constant. There was no need to feel secure, because in no time at all, we'd be on the move again. I could discuss the countless times my parents left us with people we didn't even know; sneaking out when they thought we weren't aware. And there were times those people made it very clear that we were not wanted there. I could never understand how I could be placed somewhere I wasn't truly wanted. But it happened time and time again. I remember my brother and I spending some time on the porch because we weren't allowed to enter the house while the other kids got to have their bowl of ice cream. I remember wearing the same clothes everyday and let me tell you...other kids aren't afraid to remind you of it. I could also talk about the sexual abuse I endured from one of my dad's drunk friends when I was five years old. I could dwell on my mom's attitude of, "If I can't beat him, I'll join him." And how she spent her share of time on the bar stool beside him, while we were left at home alone, probably because no one would take us for the night. And of course, there's my mom's denial and how, "Her kids always came first." I get physically ill every time I hear her say it.

I started taking care of my sister when she was a baby. I was ten years old, and had no idea how to care for an infant. I recall the first time I was left alone with her. I stood out at the end of the driveway, looking up the street, begging them to come back. That was the day something shifted in me. I became hard as survival issues kicked in. When my parents would conveniently find a different sitter for the night, I always seemed to run them off. I literally had babysitters walk out on me, because I made their experience with us a living hell. Who did they think they were, coming into my home and telling me what to do? Thinking they could take care of my baby sister better than I could. I've been handling things just fine, thank you very much. I certainly didn't need them. Over time, my mom told me since I kept running them off, I would just do it on my own. Like I hadn't been doing that already. My sister wouldn't respond to anyone but me anyway....so what good were they? Bye-bye...see yah later!

I was never shown how to change a diaper or make a bottle. I guess it was assumed I would figure it out. After all, they would only be gone "a couple of hours." What could possibly go wrong? But those couple hours always turned into a day long event, usually extending into the early morning hours, which would end with them coming home in a fight. Do you realize how scary it is to a ten year old child to be left at home alone, with an infant, especially when it gets dark? We rarely had a phone, so I never had any way of checking in to see when they'd be home. I was forced to learn to deal with it.

These few examples I've shared are only the tip of the iceberg.

The emotional issues from domestic abuse could fill a book and there is no way I can cover them all in this article. The programming that comes from living in an abusive household is devastating to the human mind. In order to survive, the mind has to adapt and it becomes programmed to work in a certain way. It remembers everything and protects against danger in ways we still don't understand. The human mind literally has the ability to protect itself and it does this by altering what we think, which effects the way we see things. When our programming changes the way we think, it also effects the way we feel because the mind and body are tightly connected. What effects one, effects the other. Emotional abuse is one of the hardest to overcome because of the programming done to the mind. You can reprogram the mind to think and operate in a different manner, but it takes time and a lot of hard, heavy and deep soul searching, which is hardly a walk in the park.

Anxiety and panic attacks are also experiences that come from abuse. In most cases, the attacks are chronic because the mind/body are used to working in fight or flight mode. When the mind is trained to live this way, it will continue to do so, even when there is no reason for it. It simply doesn't know any different. I've been experiencing anxiety since I was five years old and it wasn't until a few years ago, I finally figured it out. I still get anxious from time to time, but I've learned to deal with attacks.

Growing up in an abusive environment made me hard, guarded and non-trusting. You'll never see me cry. It doesn't mean I don't...it just means you won't see it. I view life differently and I respond to it differently. I don't drink. How could I? Drinking is what caused my childhood to be the way it was. The thought of putting alcohol in my system makes me physically ill and brings on anxiety instantly.

I've had to overcome serious trust issues. How could I possible believe what you tell me? You're not really going to be there for me, so I simply won't count on it. I've learned to survive and I can take care of myself. I've learned to accept certain things and I've learned to forgive. I've done this for ME. Not for my parents, not for the bullies I encountered, not for the other adults who treated me less than the trash in their garbage...but for ME. For my own sanity and well-being. For my own piece of mind. I'm happy with the person I've become and I've become that person on my own.

I decided a long time ago, I would not remain a victim and I would not become a product of my environment. I decided I would forgive as much as I could. Does that mean the circumstances I encountered were justified? Not for a second! Does that mean that to this day, I think it's alright that my parents have to make a nightly stop in the bar on their way home? Not a chance! Where do I place blame? With my father, who didn't know how to stop? With my mother, who allowed it to happen? I feel they both should be held responsible. But I'm no longer a victim of their circumstance. Their life is their's to live as they choose. I simply choose to move in a difference direction. I decided the cycle stops with me. It will not be passed on to the next generation that I brought into this world. Which means my kids won't pass it on to their's and nothing makes me happier! At least I can sleep at night knowing that.

Angel Shadow's Contact Info:
URL:  http://www.myspace.com/angelshadow7

I have always been there
But you chose not to see
The pain and bitter heartache
That you enforced on me.

I could not escape you
Trapped inside your hell
A child of your making
Bars upon the cell.

You taught me oh so much
Not to trust and not to care
My world became so shattered
My eyes a cold, blank stare.

I soon became so silent
And found a place to hide
To young to understand
I was only along for the ride.

Overtime, as I grew
These issues that you dealt
Became so overwhelming
The bitterness was felt.

It took me a long time
To emerge from the dark
To learn to heal and forgive
Was not a walk in the park.

I did learn how to heal
And I did this just for me
A new world was created
For my eyes to see.

I will not pass this on
The heartache and the tears
The children of tomorrow
Shall enjoy their wonder years.

I will learn to be stronger
And stand up on my own
For the next generation
Will not be my clone.

My life is in your hands
Even if you think unfair
Be careful what you teach
And treat me with more care.

For I will never forget
The weary ways of past
Overcoming this takes time
A large stone for me to cast.

My mind is like a thirsty sponge
Absorbing and so free
So please don't damage and harm it
For you're creating me.

© Copyright 2006 Angel Shadow,
All rights reserved.

I have always been there
But you chose not to see
The pain and bitter heartache
That you enforced on me.

I could not escape you
Trapped inside your hell
A child of your making
Bars upon the cell.

You taught me oh so much
Not to trust and not to care
My world became so shattered
My eyes a cold, blank stare.

I soon became so silent
And found a place to hide
To young to understand
I was only along for the ride.

Overtime, as I grew
These issues that you dealt
Became so overwhelming
The bitterness was felt.

It took me a long time
To emerge from the dark
To learn to heal and forgive
Was not a walk in the park.

I did learn how to heal
And I did this just for me
A new world was created
For my eyes to see.

I will not pass this on
The heartache and the tears
The children of tomorrow
Shall enjoy their wonder years.

I will learn to be stronger
And stand up on my own
For the next generation
Will not be my clone.

My life is in your hands
Even if you think unfair
Be careful what you teach
And treat me with more care.

For I will never forget
The weary ways of past
Overcoming this takes time
A large stone for me to cast.

My mind is like a thirsty sponge
Absorbing and so free
So please don't damage and harm it
For you're creating me.

© Copyright 2006 Angel Shadow,
All rights reserved.

State Dept. Report: Vegas Human, Sex Trafficking Highest In U.S.

• Video: New Group Fights Sex Trafficking

LAS VEGAS -- Results from a two-year investigation by the U.S. State Department show Las Vegas as the epicenter of North American prostitution and human trafficking. As one victim of these crimes comes forward, police intend to use the information to combat the sale of women and children for sex.

"My blood was spilled on a damp, cold floor," Chong Kim, a former prostitute, said. "They bruised my body and made me their whore.

"Kim said she was forced into prostitution during the mid-'90s.

"It was a one room cell," Kim said, "and each of the woman and children were categorized where they were going to be shipped."

She is currently a criminology major at University of Nevada, Las, Vegas. She said that when she was 19, her then-boyfriend tricked her into prostitution.

"He said he wanted me to visit his family in a different state," she said. "That's how I got sent to a different state.

"Kim said her imprisonment and forced prostitution lasted for three years. She is now an advocate to help other victims of prostitution and human trafficking in the Valley. She is now joining efforts with a local panel to help stop these crimes against women and children.

"This ain't no Richard Gere running out there," said Brenda Powell, another advocate against forced prostitution. "(They are not) trying to pick up nobody and take them all away.

"Panel members hope the formation of an organization to combat these crimes -- called the Nevada Coalition Against Sex Trafficking -- will help target these type of criminals and get them put behind bars.

According to the research, the sex industry generates between $1 billion and $6 billion a year in Las Vegas.

Copyright 2006 by KVVU.com

Abuse Survivor's Series: 

 
Using Overreactions to Begin Healing
Our Childhood Wounds

By: Stephanie Gagos

As an abused child I frequently detached as a way of coping with what was happening to me and even though most of my memories were devoid of emotion, it did not mean I was not experiencing emotion. My mother’s unpredictable violence forced me to suppress whatever internal turmoil I was feeling in order to survive.  This pattern of suppression and detachment became natural reactions to crisis and anything that caused me any emotional pain throughout my adult life.

After years of habitual suppression, any emotions related to the physical and sexual abuse in my childhood were very difficult to access or control.  They were either elusive, hiding when they were appropriate to express or screeching out when I least wanted them to.  For example, at my father’s funeral, I stood stoically over his grave and suppressed my emotions over the loss of the only real parent I’d ever had.  When faced with betrayal in my marriage, I carried on in life as if nothing happened; suppressing the deep hurt and heartbreak that threatened to consume me. In therapy when I described the abuse in my childhood there was not a tear shed in the telling.  It was if an internal separation automatically occurred whenever anything in my life was too painful. I was conditioned to NOT feel.

While I didn’t seem to have access to these feelings, I often reacted quite strongly to what may seem minor or insignificant to others.  Feelings of betrayal, distrust, an impending sense of doom, fear, anger and an overwhelming sadness were triggered by often benign situations.  It was not uncommon for me to sob while watching a scene in a movie which seemed to have little or no effect on anyone else around me (I did this during a scene in The Other Sister when Diane Keaton’s character watches her heartbroken daughter kick tennis balls in the rain and goes to her) or to become outraged over someone not saying thank you after holding a door open for them.  Things like my stepdaughter not giving us her rent check on time; someone cutting me off in line, an ill perceived close call in the car could trigger a reaction that was often disproportionate to the situation.  And while I kept my outrage rather private by never really publicly going off the handle, even in my private moments of venting to a loved one or quietly sobbing in a movie theater, I always felt slightly less sane and out of control as if my sanity was somehow slipping.

My husband and daughter endured years of these “venting merry go rounds” and met my rising vehemence with stares that implied I had morphed into an alien right before their very eyes.  I, on the other hand, looked at everyone else as if they were the alien beings who just didn’t understand how things should work around here.  I figured anyone would get upset in any of these circumstances and yet there was a part of me that said, “Hmmm, just not this upset, Stephanie”. I must admit that no matter how perplexed they were at my intensity, I couldn’t stop.  In fact I didn’t want to stop.  I was experiencing what I couldn’t experience as a child and in that moment it felt good to feel bad because for once it was my choice.  The power in that was at first liberating.  I could rant and rave, fume, yell and get myself all worked up in ways I was never allowed to as a child.  Even a hint of anger was met with intimidation and violence while growing up.  This was my time, my chance to exert some power and control over my life.  

The problem was that I often felt crappy, embarrassed and guilty afterward, especially when I would attribute qualities such as maliciousness to the offending party.  Something as simple as one of my girls repeatedly not doing the dishes was often perceived by me as an act that was done purposely to me.  Each slight or perceived disregard was like a dagger into an already existing wound, stirring up the fear and distrust that were already there.  Understanding this connection between my past and present is what inspired me to use these times to heal. I already had access to the emotions I thought were buried and I didn’t know it. They were there in my conflicts with loved ones, in my interactions with acquaintances or friends, even in my difficulties as a teacher.  All there to show me what I needed to heal.

Once I became aware of what was going on, I started to pay more attention during these times of strong emotional reactions.  I became more aware of myself even in the midst of anger, watching as if I was on the outside looking in.  This brief dissociation was useful in giving me the step back I needed to really see myself in a state of heightened emotional intensity and then evaluate how much of it was “justified” and how much of it was coming from a wounded place. I discovered that most of my reactions were coming from this place and I started to dig deeper by taking the time out to ask and record answers to some key questions. 

What is really bothering me about this? 

How does this make me feel right now? (Disregarded and insignificant were very common)

How does this relate to my past?  When did I feel like this as a child? What happened?  What did I need as a child and did not receive?

What is different about today? How can I give myself what I needed then and what I still need today?

I did this either in midst of a strong emotional reaction or directly afterward when I was still upset so that I could catch the emotion and not run from it.  Once you are no longer upset it is easy to get in your head, intellectualize, minimize or rationalize which moves you away from the emotion. Usually the answers to these questions would pour out on the page in the form of ramblings and eventually led me to a childhood memory in which I was made to feel the same way I was feeling now.  I allowed the emotion to surface, to extend from that which I was already feeling.  I allowed myself to feel it and grieve for whatever it was I deserved as a child and did not receive.  Depending on where you are at in your healing process, this can either be just an extension of what you are already working on in therapy or it can be overwhelming if this is the first time you are dealing with these emotions. Either way you should have a support system in place to help you with whatever comes up.

Asking the last few questions allows me to reclaim my power and bring me into a new reality, one in which I am no longer a victim and can have control over the path of my life.  By putting me back in driver’s seat I can focus on giving myself the gifts of love, encouragement, validation and respect I was not given as a child.  This I believe is a big part of the journey in this life, learning how to fill ourselves up on our own and letting the love we deserve in and knowing we can.  Today I am getting more comfortable with feeling my emotions, knowing that there is wisdom in the heartache and an opportunity to know myself and understand where I’ve been and where I am going.  I am grateful that I no longer feel powerless when I am triggered and that I can use those times to heal my life.  This allows me to grow beyond what my childhood told me was possible and grow into who I truly am.

Copyright © 2007,  Stephanie Gagos

Self Esteem:

A Necessary Component of Survival

By: Stephanie Gagos

From the moment we are born we learn to see ourselves through the eyes of our caregivers. If they look at us with unloving eyes, we will most likely grow to see ourselves as unlovable; if they see us as bad, rotten no good children, we will believe this is so. If their actions toward us are violations through - verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse - we will believe that we are at fault and deserving of such treatment. We will believe, at first, that there is something wrong with us -some flaw or damage on our part that makes them angry and provokes them to treat us in these ways. As children, we cannot comprehend that it could possibly be their fault, because we love them and depend on them for survival. We are also taught that adults know best and in our eyes they become omnipotent, leaving us with feelings of shame and inadequacy.

This distorted sense of self becomes all that we know. As we grow older we continue to reinforce these beliefs formed in childhood. We continue the abuse by abusing ourselves and/or allowing others to abuse us. Often, it does not matter if, intellectually, we understand that our abusers were wrong and that we were the victims; the damage is often so deep, the beliefs of unworthiness so engrained, that a massive effort is required to actively create and reinforce new beliefs. Aligning ourselves with people who love us and see us for who we really are will help, but without changing how we SEE and FEEL about ourselves, we will continue to feel empty and find that no matter what we have, something is always missing.

WE are what is missing.

What makes it so difficult, is that we have spent years brainwashed into believing that we are bad, unworthy, undeserving, and not good enough. As adults we spend even more years, living from that wounded place, actively affirming these false beliefs through negative self-talk and behaviors. We interpret everything around us as an affirmation of what we feel about ourselves, not realizing that the world is merely reflecting back to us how we FEEL and what we BELIEVE. It will be extremely difficult for us to have wonderful, loving, and amazing experiences if inside we feel rotten, damaged and inadequate. We have to BE what we want on the outside. For example if we want love, we have to feel love for ourselves or the match love we seek will never come. We may find someone who cares about us but it will never be enough, there will always be that empty pit that our partner will eventually get tired of trying to fill. We are the only ones who can do it. What a challenge when we’ve never been filled up before and are not aware of what it even feels like!

This is part of what makes childhood abuse so devastating. It occurs during that time when our self esteem is supposed to be nurtured and encouraged. Instead, it never has a chance to even begin to develop. In a way, the early messages we receive from abuse are even worse than being brainwashed as an adult because we have no memory of who we were before. It feels as if we are starting from scratch, creating a sense of self that we were not aware existed before because we have no memory of the power of our inner being.

This true self still exists inside each of us even though our trauma has virtually buried its existence. It has many names from Inner Being to Higher Self. It is important that you not only believe in its existence, but become adept at distinguishing between the voice of your abused self vs. the voice of your true self. This part of you remained untainted by the abuse and knows your worth. It knows how precious and valuable you are. It is acutely aware of your strength and abilities and it does not need validation from the world. This part of us emerges at times but we need to peel back the layers of false belief, misconception, self hatred, ignorance and pain to become more fully aware of this self – to truly become him/her.

This transformation takes time and effort but worth it because on the other side we can reach our fullest potential. Here are some of the changes we will need to make in order to create a new pair of eyes, a new perspective and put an end to old and destructive ways of thinking and being.

Become aware of beliefs we have about ourselves. (I’m no good, I’m not good enough, I’m not deserving, something is wrong with me etc.)

Create new beliefs and repeat them to ourselves, even if at first they fit us like a scratchy sweater or a too tight pair of jeans. Eventually they will fit and feel good. Ask yourself, what do I need to believe about myself to feel good?

End the familiar negative ways we berate ourselves daily. It will be like training ourselves for a marathon, getting our minds in tip-top shape, preparing ourselves for this marathon of life so that we can attract the success (happiness) we desire and deserve. We would never fill ourselves up with junk on the night before a big run, would we? And so it is with the marathon of life.

Ignore our discomfort at tooting our own horn, reveling in the beauty of our very existence. Practice saying something nice about yourself to people you love. Be aware that people may feel uncomfortable by it as well, since they are not used to it. Ignore their reaction. If this is too difficult, try writing compliments to yourself.

Act as if we do love ourselves so that eventually we will. What does a person who loves themselves look like? How do they behave? Walk? Dress? Speak? Act as if.

Push ourselves into situations and experiences that are frightening but good for us. I went up against my boss on principle, even though I was terrified. I grew in so many ways from standing up for myself.

Stop and look at all we have done in our lives, all the wonderful qualities that exist within us and begin to celebrate and strengthen them. List your accomplishments daily or weekly or by the first of the month. What are you good at? What are often complimented on? What do you see in others that you wish you had? Look for times you have possessed these qualities. Debbie Ford, author of Secret of the Shadow, says, that when we admire others we are “giving our light away” What you admire in others, you also possess.

Begin to understand the divine value and purpose we hold on this earth. A sense of purpose in the world is so important to your self esteem. Also it does not have to be one purpose. You are here for many reasons. You can discover your passions by paying attention to what brings you joy, what makes your face light up when you talk about it. Follow that.

Work through our childhood wounds. Therapy, support groups, writing, art, mind-body work. Whatever it takes. You may not like it, but your healing is part of why you are here.

Fill our heads with inspiring messages that speak to the truth of who we are. Spend time daily filling yourself up with positive messages from audios, inspirational radio shows (Hay House Radio on the internet) and read books that inspire you.

Avoid people who trigger you and cause you to revert back to negative self-talk. Surround yourself with people you feel good around. If you don’t have any, start visualizing yourself surrounded by wonderful, loving, trustworthy people. Visualize them daily and how it would FEEL to have that. They will appear in time.

Learn to laugh at yourself. We are all funny in our own way. Laugh at your idiosyncrasies, don’t take everything to heart.

Practice appreciation for all that we have and all that we are in this moment so that we may attract more of it unto us. Appreciate your body and how well it works (focus on what works well), appreciate your strength, resilience, your empathy and compassion, appreciate all the good in your life (food to eat, your pet, clothes, your home, money for basic needs, friends, good influences in your life).

Accept even the parts we don’t like, our shadow parts, knowing that even they have served us well in some way. Stop resisting part you don’t like about yourself. What you resist persists. The more critical you are of yourself, the more these unwanted qualities will come up. Remember you are not only human, but a human who has suffered trauma. Be gentle and forgiving.

Find a balance between accepting yourself as you are and striving to become your highest self. Without balance you will always feel inadequate, like you are reaching for the unattainable.

Forgive ourselves for the choices we’ve made, for how crazy and out of control we feel at times, for the times we hurt others, for the deceptions we believed and for all that we hold on to as weapons against ourselves. Learn how to love the person you are today, flaws and all, as well as love who we are underneath our self destructive patterns.

In time, and with greater awareness, we can grow to love ourselves and find compassion for how we chose to respond even in our lowest of times. In time, treating ourselves badly or allowing others to hurt or disrespect us will feel wrong to us. It will feel so uncomfortable that we will know we can never go back. We will arrive at a point in which our self esteem cannot be swayed by outside factors. The way we look at ourselves in the mirror will change. The way we walk, the way we speak, the way we think, the way we interact with others and most of all the way we FEEL will change. We will understand how valuable and powerful we truly are and we will begin to use that knowledge to change our world.

Copyright © 2007,  Stephanie Gagos

Putting her life back together

Eshanya Walls is concerned about the accuracy of the state sex and violent offenders registry. Her son was the victim of sexual abuse several years ago. Tribune Photo/JIM RIDER

Ever since the man who molested her child was released from prison last year, Eshanya Walls has had concerns about the accuracy of the Indiana sex and violent offenders registry.

The South Bend resident and mother of three said she searched for his name in the registry three months after he was freed and didn't find it.

The registry, maintained by the Indiana Sheriffs' Association, is accessible online and contains files with the names, addresses and other personal information, charges and photos of convicted sex and violent offenders in the state.

Walls, who then lived in Howard County, knew the man's whereabouts. He was the son of a baby-sitter she once hired.

But the missing file raised an important question.

"If his name is not on there," she asked, "how many are missing?"

Two months later, Walls again did not find his name in the state registry. She said other names she found in county registries also were missing from the state registry.

So she called the Indiana Sheriffs' Association for some answers.

Mike Eslinger, the ISA's executive director, explained in a phone interview recently that the state registry is regularly updated with files from Indiana sheriffs and said inaccuracies in the registry may result from "a computer glitch somewhere along the line."

He added he did not know of any such inaccuracies.

Eslinger said a new state registry approved last month will be compiled differently. Rather than have sheriffs send the files, he explained, the new registry will be updated directly on the Web.

The new Indiana sex and violent offenders registry will be launched in January, he said.

Walls said she thinks the new registry is a step in the right direction, although more needs to be done.

"I think it's an excellent idea, but I don't think it'll bring the stats down," she said.

Based on data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics of the U.S. Department of Justice, Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, a nonprofit organization, estimates that every two-and-a-half minutes, somewhere in the United States, someone is sexually assaulted.

Walls' son, whose identity she asked not be released because of the sensitive nature of the subject, was sexually molested when he was 6.

"He was scared to tell me for four years," she said.

When he told his mother two years ago, at age 11, she was overwhelmed.

"It set me over the limit," said Walls, who was already suffering from depression. "I got really sick from it."

His molester was the teenage son of a woman Walls had paid to watch over her children.

Walls said her son now suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, a consequence of his abuse, she was told by a psychologist. The seventh-grader sees a school counselor every day and meets for group counseling two hours a week.

"It's unbelievable," Walls said of the harm "just that one person" caused to her family.

Walls said an accurate state registry is a necessary tool.

Eslinger said the new registry will help keep the public better informed of the whereabouts of sex offenders.

"There'll be a mapping part of it," he explained, "where you can click on the area where you live." A map of your neighborhood will show where sex and violent offenders live.

Also, offenders will be required to register before they leave prison, Eslinger said, rather than seven days later.

But Walls said more drastic measures are required. She is trying to form a nonprofit organization to raise money for Global Positioning System tracking devices, which she hopes sex offenders will someday be required to wear.

The GPS system is a satellite navigating system that uses miniaturized receivers to find the position of an object. Today they are used in cars, boats and planes, among other things.

Walls also said she is trying to form a support group for families who are in a similar situation.

"I want to take a negative thing that happened and turn it into a positive thing so I can reach out to other parents," she said.

Staff writer Pablo Ros:

pros@sbtinfo.com

(574) 235-6555